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sarahs ttcal journal


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  #1  
April 27th, 2008, 11:57 AM
madmum_sarah's Avatar formally sarah_the_sane_1
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: scotland uk
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well i "officially" lost my baby "jamie" on 11th feb 2008.
now we are "not" ttc to take the strain off it although not stopping it either.
this cycle (april) my O pains were so severe we couldnt dtd so im praying the little swimmers from 2 and 3 days before were strong ones. i also woke up cuddling one of jamies baby grows so must have been sleep walking.
it hurts to think about being pregnant again. its such a scarey thought to think about "replacing" my baby (what people say im doing) and even worse to think about losing another one. im not sure i could cope or mark.
still, i pray i will get my bfp soon and it will be a sticky bean
im now 3-4 dpo and strangly i havent felt much of the endo pain that i usually get. i know now is when it starts to get pretty bad but so far im still able to walk and do things that last cycle i couldnt do. fingers crosed thats a good sign!

comments welcome
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  #2  
April 28th, 2008, 01:56 AM
madmum_sarah's Avatar formally sarah_the_sane_1
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well im apparently 5dpo today. i have had a strange popping feeling all around my pelvic area (almost like gas but not ) still no pain as such just twinges. where is my endo pain? sometimes i just wish i knew what my body was playing at!
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  #3  
April 29th, 2008, 04:29 AM
madmum_sarah's Avatar formally sarah_the_sane_1
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oh me oh my i can see this is going to be a long journal.
yesterday i felt great. still a little tearful but felt i was starting to get through it after my dream of jamie. boy was i wrong!
last night i was lucky if i got an hours sleep. i woke up sweating and crying but cant remember why. i just feel so low today but i know tiredness isnt helping.
im 6dpo and my endo pains still arent causing me too much of a problem and it actually scares me. had some funny twinges down below last night and some very slight blood stained cm. instantly thought omg implantation. when we were ttc i would have been so excited but when i saw it i got such a scare. what if i have caught this egg again? what happens if i have a healthy pregnancy/ what happens if i lose it? starting to think im not ready yet but then again will i ever be?
i tried looking up on endometriosis to see if there is anything that could have caused this change. ive not changed diet or anything so i just dont understand it.
oh well, nearly time for the school run so i better get moving and stay strong. then i have 2 hours so i can either cry/scream/shout or do something to occupy my mind with something other than babies. cant even visit my friends cos they are either pregnant or got new babies i just want to die today
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  #4  
May 1st, 2008, 12:43 AM
madmum_sarah's Avatar formally sarah_the_sane_1
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today im 8dpo. started to have pain in my boobs last night and endo pain still not here severe enough to need codiene. im not complaining but im so used to the pain being bad i wonder why its not this cycle. i hope it doesnt mean im going to suffer even more when af shows this time.
mark has asked me whats wrong as im really emotional again. i told him im just thinking about the m/c more and he says its more than that (im not sure what it is but i am defo more emotional) i just cant tell him ive started having symptoms again. after his reaction when i told him i was pg last time and the fact he is depressed there seems no point in getting out hopes up. plus im scared silly incase it is pg symptoms!
my sex drive has gone through the roof and this morning i woke up at 6am feeling very sick, went to loo but got really dizzy and fell over. thought maybe a bug but temps arent really high like when i get ill.
its all so confusing and i wish i knew what was going on with my mind and body. i was sure i was ready to try again but now im having symptoms im scared. it took 5 months to finally get that bfp so i didnt think i wouldbe getting any symptoms yet!
please god make all this be happening for the reason you believe wether that be to give me a healthy bean or to make me realise im not ready to try again yet
x
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  #5  
May 1st, 2008, 03:03 PM
Eleysia's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I dont want this to sound creepy but i read whenever you update, and i dont want to scare you but your symptoms sound like you might need to test in a couple days. If it is or is not what you want/need right now it is better to know.

It will get easier i promise. For me each day got heavier and harder to handle, finally i snapped. i hit rock bottom, and it seems like even tho there are still very hard days, the better days are easier to appreciate
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  #6  
May 2nd, 2008, 01:19 AM
madmum_sarah's Avatar formally sarah_the_sane_1
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thanks hun. not creepy at all, at least i have a nice friendly stalker
im actually really tearful today (reading your reply made me cry!)
still getting all the same symptoms and an old one has returned, im having to wear my maternity sleep bra cos the bra i was wearing last week now gives me "4 boob syndrome"
im so scared but keep thinking its too early for any of this, i have a 17day lp and im only 9dpo today. i may test on monday (i have a couple of tests so can waste one) and its marks birthday.
thanks hun
xx

i had even more of the "popping" sensation in ovaries and pelvic area last night. it actually got pretty painful at one point but seems to have eased again today although the popping still there! hormones are all over the place, no longer sure of what i want and its driving everyone crazy. still, ive offered to do some volunteer work tomorrow and im shopping today so il be kept busy for a few days. sunday im getting 3 hours with no kids so im goingt to help mark paint and monday is his birthday so we going for a meal which will pass more time.
edited to add tingling in boobs to that list just sitting here relaxing and typing and getting tingling in my boobs and slight lower backache. oh and the gas, we wont even go there
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  #7  
May 3rd, 2008, 01:55 AM
madmum_sarah's Avatar formally sarah_the_sane_1
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now 10dpo and im getting really scared. started having some cramps last night and a little spotting (i only normally spot a day before af but im not due for another week )
the gas is still here as are the tingling boobs. this morning the sickness has really kicked in. there are a lot of bugs going about so it could be one of them but that wouldnt explain the "breast milk" smell that woke me up twice last night! when i checked i was leaking a bit. i have done this before but not recently and i certainly dont smell it normally.
got to go to work after lunch so hopefully will take my mind off it. was so tempted to poas this morning but went to the loo fast to stop me being able to. would have been a waste this early anyway so il just hold off a while!
ive gone off tea and coffee again too. not really been a coffee person since i got my bfp in feb but now i cant drink tea either without it making me feel sick.
also mark came in smelling of fags yesterday and that set my tummy off. strange cos i still smoke and it doesnt bother me, maybe its cos i smoke menthol and he doesnt
eta.... OK WHERE THE F IS MY ENDO PAIN?????
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  #8  
May 4th, 2008, 01:49 AM
madmum_sarah's Avatar formally sarah_the_sane_1
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oh i feel awful this morning! ive had heartburn for days but now its that bad im being sick with it!
boobs are still sore and my temp went up this morning even though i felt pretty cold.
wondering if its all the stress from getting dna tests done and then the results? there has to be some reason why all this is happening to me but its far too early to be real pregnancy signs or for me to test
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  #9  
May 4th, 2008, 09:34 AM
Eleysia's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Sarah,

TEST ALREADY!!! I mean that with the utmost ammount of love by the way. If you are not pg then im nuts, but i know you have to be!!! If you have this many symptoms then you should be able to POAS and have a !!! Ive tested twice and bfn, but i also have no more symptoms. girl i know that yours will show!!! Go go go!!!

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  #10  
May 4th, 2008, 10:09 AM
madmum_sarah's Avatar formally sarah_the_sane_1
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i did poas this afternoon but it was bfn. i couldnt hold for long though. (i also normally get late bfps, 7 weeks with dd before i got one! )
went for a meal with mark at lunchtime so we could chat n i have been feeling very sick and heartburn since. he erm... "got in the mood" cos we were child free and i about bit his head off for even trying to come near me!
maybe af is just gonna show early and ive got pms!
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  #11  
May 4th, 2008, 10:57 AM
Eleysia's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Well im sorry for the BFN, but i hope like you said it is just too early. I dont think it is pms, i refuse to believe that it is the witch!!!! Ill put out some cookies and milk and have her head this way so that you can test. She should be here by the 10th lol.
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  #12  
May 5th, 2008, 12:15 AM
madmum_sarah's Avatar formally sarah_the_sane_1
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shes due here 11th/12th (not fair having THAT long an lp!) maybe we should be testing round same time

still feeling sick this morning, infact its all still here! getting more pain today though cos im constipated and another bfn this morning. (pretty sure i see a hadow there but not reading anything into it)
going to buy some more tests today because the ones ive just used were the last of the ones i bought in feb after i got my bfp but they were giving me bfns. ok there was something wrong and i lost my baby but i should still have had at least one bfp from that batch cos i started using them 4 hours after my bfp on another test.
oh well. its marks birthday today so busy all day. hopefully i wont think about it too much and wont feel sick after our meal!
eta.. i got some more cheap tests today so i can test everyday till im due if i want

eta... its now almost 11pm here and i cant sleep. one min im crying the next im full of energy. heartburn is crazy and i dont know whats going on. i just feel .... BLAH!
i have so much i want to say here right now cos my heart is breaking but i cant think of anything. my mind is a blank and i just cant find the words
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  #13  
May 6th, 2008, 08:54 AM
madmum_sarah's Avatar formally sarah_the_sane_1
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i give up! i tested this morning with my new tests and not even a shadow this time. my edno pain has come full force from nowhere and im crying non stop for no apparent reason!
poor mark has gone home because i made his life hell for the whole hour he was here today. i just hate everything and everyone (ok we know i dont really but it feels that way)
i sat and wrote some poetry earlier to let it all out but it just seems to have made it harder. i dont want to see or talk to anyone!
my "sypmtoms" have all gone. well actually they havent but the endo pain is taking my mind off them till i lay on my tummy to cry and then notice boobs still hurt.
im really cracking up today.
af just hurry up and show your face and stop teasing me
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  #14  
May 6th, 2008, 10:04 AM
Eleysia's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Sarah BIG Im so sorry todays crappy for you. I wish i could give you a hug in real life. I know you dont hate everyone, trust me i feel that way alot lol. I know how you feel with the BFN's im not gonna test again until my period is due. im tired of the guessing game. i hope that it is still too early. you told me that you have gotten late BFP's so you still have a good chance hunny.

Im sorry about the endo pain. i was hoping it would just skip out this month for you. Can you take some meds and sleep for a bit?
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  #15  
May 7th, 2008, 12:35 AM
madmum_sarah's Avatar formally sarah_the_sane_1
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hey hun
im so glad i can come on here and vent cos i hate upsetting people and i did that a lot yesterday. doc has prescribed me codiene and co codamol to take together but its not safe even taking one of them when preg really and i often wonder if that contributed to me losing my angel so i wont take them in the 2ww if i can help it!
if i knew 100% i wasnt then i would take them but i just cant bring myself to take that risk even though it would be minimal cos im pretty sure shes on her way anyway.
my skin and hair has become really greasy now so im guessing shes not far off. im on 14dpo now and she normally appears overnight on 16dpo
sometimes life sucks, i so wasnt sure i wanted a bfp when all thise symptoms started but now im so close to knowing i didnt get it this month im heartbroken. bloomin hormones!
on the plus side, it does mean when the pains get worse (always really bad when af starts) i will know im not preg so can take as many pain killers as i need!
see, still trying to think positive!
xxx
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  #16  
May 7th, 2008, 08:03 AM
Eleysia's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Big hugs hun. Im sorry she is on her way. I guess it is onto next cycle huh? Im right there with you. Im 10dpo but just dont think it is this month, which makes me sad, but i know i cant change it so... well... onto next month.


How are things going with you and Mark? Are you slowly working things out or do you just not think it will heal? Sorry if thats too personal. I was just wondering.

Again big hugs. If you need anything ill be checking back in alot (as often as possible cuz we have company this week lol) or my email is Berbie_plur@hotmail.com I can check that from my phone in case im not at the computer.
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  #17  
May 7th, 2008, 09:47 AM
madmum_sarah's Avatar formally sarah_the_sane_1
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aww thanks hun.
im not sure about next cycle right now. although im sure when O time is nearing il be taking any chance i can to get my stud into bed!

me and mark are still together but not living together. his depression is really bad and well, you only need to look at this to see what im like right now! lol hes seeing a shrink tomorrow and im seeing a doc about myself too.
we had a chat about the whole ttc thing because i thought maybe i should go back on bcp (saying that i would prob actually get preg then ) he says hes still sure he wants another one but unsure when but as he says, the timing is never right, you just learn to deal with it when it happens and hes sure it will when its meant to. he still wont talk about the m/c but at least i have you girls i can talk to about it now so i dont feel quite so bad.
still got sore boobs but that could be the pms and im eating like a horse! grrr hormones suck.
hopefully we will be at similar points in our cycle again too so we can obsess again
xxx
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  #18  
May 9th, 2008, 09:16 AM
madmum_sarah's Avatar formally sarah_the_sane_1
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well here i am 16dpo. still feel like crap and even more so cos i know af is going to be here tonight or tomorrow.
sadie is ill now so that should hopefully take my mind off things for a while.
checked cp today and it seems higher than yesterday but then i found something else too, a lump, inside me going to see if it goes when af leaves but if not i suppose i have to go and get that checked out too
why is life never simple? my hormones are still all over the place and i feel like crying for no reason! arghhhh
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  #19  
May 9th, 2008, 03:18 PM
Eleysia's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Ive been waiting on your journal update. Im sorry that af is toying with you, and i hope the lump is nothing

I tested again with a BFN as expected. af will be here prolly tomorrow or sunday for me. Looks like we get to be cycle buddies again


Keep your chin up hunny.
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  #20  
May 10th, 2008, 01:32 AM
madmum_sarah's Avatar formally sarah_the_sane_1
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thanks hun.
sadie still really ill and had to get doc out again last night so dont have time to do much. was going to test this morning just for the hell of it but sadie screamed and i just rushed to loo and forgot saves me wasting a test to see yet more disappoinment though.
still not ruling out your bfp hun. be great to be cycle buddies but would be even better to be bump buddies!
af STILL isnt here. really expected her last night but i guess she will show later today instead. shes such a tease!
xx

well its now 8.15pm here and af still hasnt showed. pretty sure she will be here by mornng though as i just felt my cysts burst thankfully they are not too painful this time, just uncomfortable. didnt think i would be this upset at the thought of af showing as i was so scared of getting a bfp but now i just want to cry because i dont have one
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