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Neesh's Journal


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  #1  
May 15th, 2008, 03:19 PM
NeeshBoogie's Avatar Super Mommy
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Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 586
I thought I'd start this journal up since my journey in cycle one is underway.

My first AF since my m/c started around 4 in the morning yesterday. I was in too much pain with cramps to be disappointed, as I was under the influence of IPS for several days the week before. My BF was in bed disappointed enough for the both of us, but I convinced him the witch's presence was a good thing. I told him the same thing all you ladies told me, that it means my body and everything is back on track. That could only mean one thing... TIME TO PUT THE PLAN INTO ACTION!!!


More about the plan:

*DISCLAIMER* I'm a magazine junkie.
I don't even know what magazine I was reading when I found it, but I stumbled upon an article a man wrote about the New Year's resolution he and his wife made together. The two were parents to a small child, and they wanted to have another. Unfortunately, they hadn't had the most eventful sexlife recently. When they did find time and space for a romp in the hay, the timing was awkward and...off so to speak. They vowed, together, to have relations at least once every day to put them more in sync with one another's, um, pleasures and to bring them closer together. The article consisted of the husband's entries in a journal documenting the changes they experienced as a couple while maintaining this resolution. Since they were focused on building a better sexual relationship between the two of them, they completely lost sight of the fact that they were ttc. By the end of the article, they had to postpone a couple sessions of love making due to the wife's losing bouts with morning sickness. That gave me a brilliant idea.

If this can work for these magazine people, why can't it work for me? I mean, aside from the fact that I probably won't be as easily distracted from the fact that I'm ttc...I can try, can't I? I am indeed going to try.
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  #2  
May 18th, 2008, 03:12 PM
NeeshBoogie's Avatar Super Mommy
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The other day my lovely mother gave me two pieces of conflicting information, and now I'm battling with conflicted emotions. Thanks Mom!

First she sat me down and told me there's "a method to this childbearing business." As lost as I was, I tried to follow along hoping she wasn't going to tell me the textbook "count 14 days from the first day of your last period aaaaannnnnnd GO!" business. Instead, she told me to try to get my BF to eat over easy eggs at least once a week to enhance our chances of conceiving. She said she'd told that secret to one of her friends who could not get pregnant, and I remember this friend from my younger days. I remember when she came home with her brand new baby boy, so I figured there might be something to what my mother was saying. Of course, there had to be a catch. My BF HATES eggs.

When I told him the idea, he went into a rage about how he hates eggs and he won't eat them under any circumstances (even though he eats them just fine in chicken and shrimp fried rice and French toast and when I use eggs as part of the batter to coat frying chicken). He was angry because, as he said, I was asking him to change the way he eats. I took that opportunity to point out that we both want a baby pretty badly, and in order to accomplish that we're both going to have to make at least a few changes. My thought while I was making that statement was "You are such a jerk!"

Thinking the key to the egg secret was in the protein, I asked my mom if it was possible to substitute maybe protein boosts in Jamba Juice smoothies for the eggs over easy. She said yes, so it should be a go
No on to the other thing she told me...


One of my mom's friends, with whom I am also quite familiar, gave birth to twins a couple months ago. A few days ago one of the twin babies died. The doctors are trying to determine why, and this woman is stunned. She's a nurse at one of the best hospitals in Los Angeles. My heart totally went out to her, and after a while it made me think. I began to wonder if there's ever an "okay" time to lose a child, whether via m/c or after something tragic happens, and I do not think there is. While my mother and I did the best we could to comfort our friend, I started to wonder whether I possess the amount of strength required to survive another loss...at any point.

And now I'm conflicted. I'm gung ho about trying again, but a little bit I'm wondering if I have what it takes.

Sorry this entry was so long, and thanks a million times over to anyone who read it. I just needed a place to get this all out.
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  #3  
May 21st, 2008, 11:10 AM
Eleysia's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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"he went into a rage about how he hates eggs and he won't eat them under any circumstances" this reminds me of "green eggs and ham" by Dr. Seuse.

I just wanted to send you some and tell you that there is never an easy point to lose a child. Be it 4 weeks along, 4 months, years or even when the are grown. A child is a part of you and it will always be very difficult. One of the mommies on here told me something I hold close to my heart "you would be amazed at what a person is capable of overcoming" She has had 2 late pregnancy losses, and one of wich she went through alone, with her children in the next room. I believe this with everything in me. Im not super religous, but i do believe that you will never be dealt more than you can handle. With that said, If you and DH know in your hearts that you want a child, then nothing is worth more than trying again

Im wishing you the best of luck hun, and hope to see you getting your healthy BFP very soon.
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  #4  
May 23rd, 2008, 05:28 PM
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Thanks so much Eleysia. You made me feel so much better! For a while, I thought I was being selfish to want to keep on trying. Hopefully keeping the pressure off this cycle will make all the difference.
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  #5  
May 25th, 2008, 04:15 PM
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I've been taking a "no pressure" approach to ttc this cycle, so I often forget what CD I'm on, I don't have any clue when I'm going to O, or if I have already. What's new in that department though, right? I NEVER know when I O. Anyhow, last night's events intrigued me, and the events that followed today downright scared me. I'm not sure what I should do.

Last night my BF and I went bowling with some friends. All night, I had the itchiest nipples known to man (tmi). By the time I got home it was unbearable and I thought I was going to have to rake a layer of my skin off with my nails. I slept just fine, no annoyances or anything. I didn't get up until about noon, and I goofed around until it was time for me to start getting ready for work today . I got in the shower, and all was well for about 7 minutes until my nipples started burning like hellfire. That was around 1 p.m. It's 4:15 now...and the burning continues. I wonder what is wrong with me
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  #6  
June 3rd, 2008, 09:13 PM
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I haven't posted in a while because I really haven't had much to post about. I'm in the ever-dreadful 2ww and I have absolutely no pregnancy symptoms to report. I don't think this is the cycle for me, and I think I might be strangely angry about that. I can't quite pinpoint why though. What I do know is I'm taking that anger and frustration out on my BF. Today I'm approximately 7DPO, so BDing wouldn't really help even a bit, but I stepped out of my comfort zone to buy "materials" and I tried to encourage my BF to get in bed. He refused because he was hungry, so I left for the day and didn't speak to him until I came back. The funny thing is, I wasn't upset with him. I walked away from the situation because I have these weird attitudes about sex which stem from things that have happened in my past. Anyhow, I consider it a huge step emotionally for me to initiate sex, let alone to consider "materials," so being turned down always makes me withdraw. I think I was running from the situation and the extremely uncomfortable feeling more than I was getting away from him, but that's how it all came out in the wash.

Sorry I burdened the board with all that, especially since it doesn't seem like it relates at all to the object of ttc, but in my mind it does. Maybe I should seek some therapy.
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  #7  
June 4th, 2008, 02:00 PM
Eleysia's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Neesh hunny Dont feel like youre in any way being weird about this and it isnt bringing the board down AT ALL. have you seen my crazy rants?? i know you have!!!

I know somewhat how you feel about initating sex, and about past childhood issues. Im not even going to claim to know exactly what you went through, but please know i have similar issues in the bedroom and it used to drive DH nuts i wouldnt innitiate, but i just couldnt bring myself to do it. Id like to say it gets better but it might not until you do seek therapy. I know just sitting down with a psyciatrist and getting it all out sorta like a "here is why im so $&%* up" helped me so much. I couldnt even pinpoint what was eating at me but it all came flooding out once i got to talk to a professional about it. Just some food for thought.

I wouldnt discredit the lack o symptoms just yet. I didnt have any besides being overly emotional, and it sounds like youre having similar situations, so keep hope girlie here is some dust for the road
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  #8  
July 4th, 2008, 10:52 AM
NeeshBoogie's Avatar Super Mommy
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Here we go:

I thought this pregnancy would be different because my initial symptoms were totally different from the initial symptoms I had with my first pregnancy. I should have known things were going to go wrong way before the spotting began. I should have seen the doom coming when my BF made arrangements to go out of town for 4th of July weekend.

Just like with my first m/c, my BF is miles away, by choice no less, while I'm miscarrying and riding an emotional roller coaster. This time around, I thought maybe he would make a better decision. I thought he would remember how much pain I was in the last time he left me to deal with this alone and he would do what was necessary to make sure that didn't happen again.

This time is no different. I know that if I want the end results to be different, I have to do something different, but I do not know what to do. I only know that I am hurt that I am here today kinda sad that my bleeding has stopped, because to me that means there's absolutely no more remnants of my baby, and there isn't anyone here to help me through that.

I'm going to have to get it together and in a hurry. In about 2 hours I'm going to need to be on my way to work. Today is not going to be a good day.
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  #9  
July 11th, 2008, 10:38 AM
Eleysia's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Neesh Im so sorry you had to go through this not once but twice by yourself. I dont like that BF was away by choice, but it isnt my place to say anything.

I know how it feels when you finally stop bleeding in the sense that 50% of you is happy youre not bleeding anymore, but 50% is so empty. I really dont know what else to say except for im so sorry. This is a horrible thing to have to endure, and it hurts so bad. I wish I had more to offer you, but unfortunatly I'm at a loss for words. If you need anything you know where i am, and im always here. You have been a huge support to me, and i want to do the same for you. love ya girl, keep your chin up, everything gets better eventually.
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  #10  
August 7th, 2008, 06:11 PM
NeeshBoogie's Avatar Super Mommy
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I'm alive!

Okay, Saturday, we moved into the new place without too much trouble. The old roommates gave the landlord a hard time (they insisted on taking her to court instead of just moving out like the rest of us did), so my move was delayed about 3 hours...UHaul wasn't too happy about that.

Anyhow, we're all moved in now. I got excited as ever yesterday when the electricity man came over to start our new service. I kept texting everyone saying "Yay! We've got lights!" It's the little things...right?

Well, as you can see I'm very happy there. I'm still not quite 100% zoned-in to this pregnancy. In fact, every few days I insist my discharge is going to give way to spotting and full-fledged bleeding. Because of this irrationally rational fear, I have refused to see a doctor until after 7 full weeks without bleeding or spotting. I KNOW this isn't particularly wise, and it will not prevent impending doom any more than it would be able to cause it, but my crazy brain just wants to be "sure."

I know I'm in the area where I had my last m/c, and that's scaring me and making me excited all at the same time -- even though I'm afraid to be excited. Hopefully all this will pass.
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  #11  
August 11th, 2008, 12:09 PM
Eleysia's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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WOOT for the new place!!!!!!!!!!! Im so glad you like it!!!!

Dont be so hard on yourself lady, its completly understandible that youre waiting to go in. completly support that decision. Just make sure youre taking your vitamins and such before hand and taking care of yourself and baby.

Im so glad youre back I missed you tons.
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