[bcowley]

I think this would be good therapy for me, since right now I feel so isolated from the world. These days seem to drag. Today I remembered a saying that I will try to tell myself everytime it gets to bad"This too shall pass". I find myself crying all the time. I pretty much mope around all day. I try to cheer myself up around my daughter and for the most part when I'm around her I seem to smile more. Thank God for her. Right now I'm hiding out from the rest of the world. I just don't feel like reliving what I've been thru. I know my frineds and family just want to understand what happened, but the wound is still to fresh to talk about. Even my husband and I are not in the same place. He doesn't seem as affected by all this as me. Maybe he just deals with pain differently. At least I would like to think thats what it is. I worry weather I will ever be able to get pregnant again. I've been dealing with infertility issues from the begining. Just to get to the point where I actually got pregnant was quite a ride. To think that I would have to do it all again seems almost unreal to me. Not to mention the financial side of all this. How much more money am I willing to spend to keep on trying? I've always said that my biggest problem in life is that I just don't know when to give up.

[bcowley]

Ok so just when you think the worst is probably over, it's not. I woke up last night around 2:30am and I noticed some cramping got up to use the bathroom and the gush of blood and clots was incredible. I've never seen so much blood all at once. I double padded my undies and every hour on the hour I was back in the bathroom gushing blood and changing my pads. Till this point I really had not experienced much cramping but boy did I make up for it last night. I finally called my doctor around 4:30am. I was really affraid I was hemmoraging (sp?) I'm not really sure how much blood a person can lose before they need to rush to the hospital. Anyways as of today 3pm I'm still waiting for my doctor's office to call me back. I'm so annoyed with them right now. I had a great experience with my obgyn when I was pregnant with Kylie but this time around I don't know, things have changed. I just think they have way to many patients to give any personal attention to any of them. This is the first time I'm going thru this and I have tons of questions that I still have not been able to discuss with my obgyn.
On another note, I'm leaving on vacation in 10 days and I can't wait. I just really need to get away and escape my reality right now. I hope this vacation does all of us some good.

[bcowley]

Ok, so I finally had my d&c yesterday. It all started Sunday morning with severe cramping. Again the blood was starting to pick up as well. The blood I'm pretty much use to it coming and going but the pain was something new. I finally gave in and told hubby I need to go to the er. By the time we got there my cramps had intensified and I was in so much pain. My doctor took one look at me and said we're doing the d&c. It's not really what I wanted, I was hoping I would miscarriage naturally but now I'm glad it's over with. Hopefully now I will finally stop bleeding soon and I can get back to some kind of normal life. I cried again today. Sometimes you think ok I can get thru this, everything is going to be alright and then all of a sudden you burst out crying. Hoping tommorrow will be a better day.

[bcowley]

Just wanted to say that today was a better day

[Eleysia]

Im not sure you wanted any comments in your journal, but I did want to say it sounds like slowly youre healing hun it hurts so bad to go through this, but please know that even on your bad days, there is still a silver lining. Your daughter will most likley be your saving grace, as my son was for me. Try not to be too hard on DH, he is coping a different way. Its a guy thing, and this is equally as hard for him too. If you need anything please let me know. Just continue to take it day by day, things get a little easier i promise.

[bcowley]

Thanks Eleysia, you're right my daughter is my saving grace. If anything good has come out of this whole experience is that I have learned to appreciate her even more.

[bcowley]

I must say as the days go by things get a little easier. I'm not sure if it's the passage of time or that I've been trying to keep myself busy. I'm leaving on vacation in a couple of days and just getting everything ready has kept my mind of things. I try to keep myself busy on purpose I think it really helps me not think too much. Not that I don't have my moments. I still find myself crying a couple of times a day, but somehow it's just not that unbearable pain I was feeling at the begining.
It's been almost a week since I had my d&c and I'm still bleeding with no signs of stopping anytime soon. I wonder how much longer? I've also read that once I actually stop bleeding it might be awhile before I get my period again. I'm hoping because I've always been so regular (every 28 days) it won't be long before my body gets back to normal and I start menstrating again. I just feel that it's going to take forever before we can start trying again.

[bcowley]

It accured to me last night to try a diffrent route. I'm not sure why I have not thought if this before. Instead of jumping right back into IVF. I think I will try accupuncture with holistic medicine. I've put alot of thought into this and I really think this is the way to go. I've already started hubby and I on a vitamin blend called fertility plus. I've found a holistic clinic that works with infertility. I'm calling tommorrow to see if I can schedule an appointment for as soon as we come back from vacation. They say it usually takes a couple of months to actually rid yourself of the toxins in your body and see results. I figure I would probably try this route till the end of this year and if by January nothing has changed, schedule my appt with my RE and start the process of ivf. This gives us some time to see if my body can actually get with the program and get pregnant "naturally". If not doing the accupuncture and cleansing our bodies would only help our chances of conceiving thru ivf.
It feels good to have a plan in motion. It helps to know I'm working towards something instead of just passing time. I just hope it works.

[bcowley]

I'm back! WOW I feel like I've been gone forever. We just back from our 2 week vacation. I needed to get away for awhile, it did me tons of good. I purposely did not take my laptop with me. I took a vacation from everything and everyone. Overall I had a good time. There were days that I still felt a little down. Before we left I scheuduled my first accupuncture appointment for today. I must say I feel really good about this decision. Our appointment lasted over 2 hours. We went over both dh and my medical history, we set up a plan and we had our first accupuncture session. This doctor also works with herbs and she provided us with our very own mix of herbs to take on a daily basis. Now we go on a weekly basis for follow-up treatments. God, I hope this works.

[bcowley]

I had my second accupuncture session on Wednesday. Overall I must say I'm feeling better. I've been sleeping a whole lot better since I started. I feel more relaxed and maybe even a little more upbeat. The session agian starts with questions about how I'm feeling then my doctor showed me something new. Ideally four times a week I need to incorporated abdominal messaging at home, followed by a heating pad to the abdomen for about 45 minutes. I'm also taking some new pills (since I don't take enough already). Since my cycle hasn't started yet(ugh) she mentioned that by next week if I still have not gotten af she would give me something that will help bring it on.
I really am trying to get my overall health better so I've also started exercising this week. I have to start slow since I'm completely out of shape. I've started by doing cardio for 30 minutes twice a week. Starting next I will increase by 15 minutes till eventually I can do 1 hour cardio and then some weights. We'll see how that goes. I would love to lose 20 lbs. But I think I would love to be prego even more.
On another note I went to the restroom and when I wiped I saw blood not alot but hopefully this is it and af will start soon.