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OK, I've started to make this Journal like 3 other times, but I ended-up writing so much, that I made myself dizzy! I just couldn't post them. I feel like I have so much that I want to get out, and I'm not very good at editing.
I'm Sam and my DH is Travis. We have been married for just about 4 years (our anniversary is coming up on Sept 4 ) We started dating in January of 2000, and moved in with each other March of 2001. It took us 3 more years to decide to tie the knot. We have no living children, and we started TTC again in May/June of 2008.
We first started TTC in early 2007. I can't say an exact date because we were determined to just things happen "naturally". Well, that didn't work for us so, early summer of 07, we began to time things, but didn't use OPK's or charts. In December of 07, we finally conceived our first little beans!!!
I saw the first ever positive Preg test on January 14th!! I was 4 days late and when I tested I fully expected to see a BFN, but there it was a blaring BFP!!!!! I was soo happy that I started bawling, and couldn't even tell Travis. I just walked into our computer room test in hand with tears running down my cheeks. He knew as soon as he saw me!! We were ecstatic!!!
Everything with the pg was going smoothly until we hit 9 wks. I was cooking lunch and I started having VERY BAD pains all the way across my stomach. I called the ER, but they would not see me because I was not bleeding. I waited 2 days in pain until I could see my reg Dr. He took me to get an U/S, and it turned out that I had 3 large cysts on my ovaries. One was the size of a baseball, and the other two were the size of a golf ball. They think another cyst popped which accounted for the pain. The only good thing out of all of this was that I got to see my little bean. We only saw one little baby at this point, and he was beautiful!!!
At 14 weeks we had a follow-up U/S for the cysts, and low and behold, they cysts had shrunken, but the # of babies I was caring had double. I was having TWINS!!! I was ecstatic for about a minute, until they couldn't find baby B's heartbeat. Baby A was just fine, but they said that baby B had passed away at about 12 or 13 weeks (they were very wrong about that, but more on that later) I was sooo confused. On one hand I had a healthy baby, and on the other hand, I had lost a baby. People just kept telling to be happy I had one, well, they were both my babies, and I never even to celebrate his life!!!
Since we had a late twin loss, we were referred to a specialist, and had another follow-up level II ultrasound at 18 weeks. This appointment was terrifying. Everything was going great with the U/S (baby A looked amazing, and I felt him kicking, and saw him kick at the same time during the U/S - I will always remember that) then we had the consultation after the U/S where the specialist told us that our babies had TRAP sequence. If you are reading this and want to know what that is - here's the link for info there's also a video: http://fetus.ucsfmedicalcenter.org/t..._more_trap.asp
Basically we were told that our deceased baby was continuing to grow because the umbilical cords of the two babies were somehow connected and the healthy babies heart was pumping for both babies. We were told that our deceased baby was at least 50% of the size of the healthy baby, and that we would need fetal surgery right away if we wanted the healthy baby to have a chance. It was a devastating blow to learn that the healthy and active baby we had just seen was so close to dying. We had 1 week to research all the info about trap sequence, and find a hospital that would do the surgery. It is so rare that there are only 3 hospitals that could perform the surgery to disconnect baby B's umbilical cord from baby A's.
We had decided to go to UCSF Children's Hospital in California, but we never made it there. a few days after we got our diagnosis, I woke up one morning at 4 am and had very bad anxiety attack. I settled down, and went back to bed, but when I woke-up at 6:30 am, I had stated bleeding. It wasn't very much, but I knew as soon as I saw it that we had now lost both our babies. It was the worst day of my life. seeing no heartbeat on my little angle was the saddest thing I have ever felt in my life. I had so much hope for my little one, so many plans.......
I was induced a few days later, when I was exactly 20wks. I got to hold my two angles that we named Isaac William and Avery Richard. I was afraid to see them at first, but when I held them, I felt such a surge of love that I have never felt before. Their lives have changed mine, and I will ALWAYS love my sweet angles.
Because of that surge of love I felt for my Angles, I am so ready to TTC again. I keep thinking that If I can love my angles this much now, The love must be even 100 X better when you can see your little one look back at you, and feel them move in your arms. I am terrified that things will go wrong again, but I am really ready to tackle those fears and give my angle babies a sibling.
So I just go back from an in-law family gathering. It went WAY better than I expected. I'm a rather nervous person, and I have a lot of insecurities that kind of get in the way of getting to know people better. BUT this get together was different, and I felt different. I socialized a lot more, and I realized that I do like these people!! How silly is that!!!
the only thing that bothered me a little was that almost all of the cousins are with-in about 10 yrs of each other, which means that they are all getting started on making their families. Besides us, only the youngest cousin does not have any children. It seems like at every family event, everything is centered around the kids. It used to not bother me, but It stings a little now.
I really hope it is our turn soon to have and care for a baby. I am sooo ready. I think I am going to go out and buy some OPK test today because I am at CD7, and I want to make sure that i don't miss the big O this month.
OK - I finally got crosshairs on FF today!!! Looks like I o'd on CD18! )(Fingers Crossed)( for a BFP this month!!! I would really love to have a June baby! If I do conceive I would be due on June 4th!! YEAH!!!!!
My EDD was today, and I was doing really good about it until yesterday afternoon. then I just felt this wash of depression fall over me. I have been crying today, feeling pretty down. All I want to do it hold Isaac and Avery again. I want to kiss them and hold them, and take care of them.
Why wasn't I good enough for them, why did this happen to me. There is no one in my family with identical twins, so, why was I give a HUGE blessing of twins (which was my dream from childhood) only to have it yanked from me in such a devastating way!!!!!!!!
I have all these what-ifs running through my brain. What if I would have pushed my Dr. to see a specialist sooner, what if I had taken prenatals BEFORE I got PG, what if I would have DEMANDED that I be sent to California for surgery right away instead of waiting a whole week!!! I know that I would still have not been able to raise Avery, but I had a chance at Isaac. His poor little heart, I feel so guilty for not being more aggressive. I just didn't know, I thought everything was going to be OK! How naive!!!