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I don't mind lurkers, stalkers or comments, but I'm afraid that I am not a very good writer. I have decided to start a journal in hopes that it will lead to healing in my heart. I will start at the beginning.
BTW- This is SUPER long! Do not feel obligated to read this as I am just hoping to clear my head a little bit and figure out where my life is headed (wish me luck!)
My childhood- and my desire to never have children
I have many fond memories of my childhood, but they get clouded by my brother. My brother, 5 years older than I, who should have protected me, but instead he physically and sexually abused me many years. I won't go into detail here, because, one, it is too painful, and two, I won't let this horrible person ruin my life anymore. If it had not been for my brother, I would have thought my parents were good parents. The problem was that I told them what my brother was doing to me and they didn't believe me. My brother beat me up so badly after that I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. He told my parents that I fell down our stairs (which was partially true, except I didn't fall, he pushed me). I never told on him again. My parents told me that it was normal for siblings to fight. With this information, I decided that I never wanted children because I could never put a child through what I went through.
When high school came, my brother moved out and began to abuse his wife instead of me. I learned through my friends that what I went through was definitely not normal. I became active in our church youth group and gained a little self-esteem. I decided to go away for college to get out of the house. That was one of the best decisions I've made. I never got the help that I needed, but I wanted to help others. Over the next 6 years, I got a degree in psychology, sociology, and biochemistry and started med-school on my path to become a psychiatrist. During my college years, my brother and his wife had a baby. She stopped breathing at 4 months and my brother gave her CPR. He refused to take her to the hospital, so my SIL and my parents took her. There, they discovered that she had over 50 fractures (including a skull fracture) in her body. She was taken away from my brother and his wife and placed in a very nice foster home. My brother was arrested and over the next three years, he went to trial and was found guilty of 3 accounts of child abuse/neglect and senenced to 21 years in prison. My parents adopted my niece just after she turned 1 and so now she is my "sister." Unfortunately, they still maintain that he is innocent because he didn't know he was hurting her. He admited to me that had shaken her and throw her against a wall (another long story about the only time I ever visited him in prison).
My husband- a wonderful man who made me want a family of our own
I met Aaron in college. I had a couple of friends that set me up with him becuase they "knew" we were perfect for each other. It turned out that they were right. We dated for four years and then got married. He was with me through the whole trial and very supportive of me when my family turned against me for believing my brother was guilty. We had talked about kids before we were married and we were on the "five year plan." Aaron started dropping hints about having a baby just after I started med school (after 2 yrs). We agreed that it wasn't the best time, but if it happened, it happened. We found out that we were pregnant the next month. It was a blessing in disguise. When I found out, I was so relieved because it gave me a good excuse to stop med school. I hadn't realized how unhappy I was and that it wasn't the right path for me.
I was so scared that I was going to have a boy and that I wouldn't love him. I know that it sounds crazy, but I would stay up crying at night because I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to take care of him. All I could think of was that if he looked like my brother, I wouldn't be able to handle it. Fortunatly, we found out we were having a girl and I was so excited the rest of my pregnancy. Alice came 4 weeks early (from her original DD and 6 weeks earlier than her dd I was given at 8 weeks). 7lb 12 ounces 20 inches long and beautiful. I loved being a mom, but it brought up new emotions that I wasn't prepared for. I could no longer stand to be near my parents because I started hating them for what they put me through as a child. I loved my little girl so much that I couldn't understand how they could let that happen to me or how they could ignore my pleas for help. My husband got a chance to move to Canada and we thought it would be a good break for us. We moved to Ottawa when my daughter was 3 months and lived there for about 2 years. We loved it there and became a normal happy family. We decided that we wanted to have our children between 2 and 3 years apart. We got pregnant the first month we started TTC. My husband was hoping for a boy, but I was scared again. He was so good about reassuring me and I was so happy that he understood and lucky that he was so supportive. We thought we lost the baby at 14 weeks because I had heavy bleeding. We went in to the u/s fearing the worst, but discovered that we were having a boy. I wasn't near as sacared as I thought I would be, but I still had doubts. Those doubts were erased the first moment I held him in my arms and they have never returned. My son, Hayden, is a big mama's boy and looks just like his daddy. I wouldn't change it for the world. He was born 2 years and one month after my daughter.
We moved back to KC just before Hayden was born. My husband's career was taking off and we moved to a big house so that we could have a large family. We started trying for number 3 about 6 months after we had Hayden (although we weren't preventing before). It took us a year and 10 months, so when we finally got that BFP, we were so excited. This pregnancy felt different, but everything seemed fine. I was so sick and tired all the time, but all the u/s looked great. The h/b at 13 weeks was 177. a day before we hit 17 weeks we were headed in for and appointment and an u/s to find out the gender. I woke up with cramps and spotting. I had 4 hours until my appt, so I called and they told me to go to the ER. They didn't find a hb and told me that I was having a m/c. We were devestated. I couldn't stop screaming and crying. My husband just held me. I delivered my baby in the ER the next morning and then started hemmoraging, so I had an emergency D&C. They couldn't tell us what went wrong and said we could beging trying after one cycle. That was April 2008. The hardest part was telling my little girl. She sat on my lap for weeks and cried with me. No four year old should ask why God takes babies away, but there I was, trying to convince my daughter that God was still watching over us, when I didn't know if I believed it.
My doctor ran a bunch of test on me to check for fertility issues. All my test came back normal. They checked my husband's sperm and we got really grim news. Nothing was good about it. I won't put in the numbers, but my doctor gave us less than a 5% chance of conceiving. We decided not to give up, but we also didn't get our hopes up that we would get pregnant again. We were surprised that after only 4 months, we got another positive pregnancy test. I carried this baby for 9 weeks and 2 days. I miscarried on Saturday a week after finding out that the pregnancy was not viable (blighted ovum). I go into my doctor tomorrow to follow up and check to make sure the miscarriage was complete. We didn't tell anyone this time that we were pregnant. Only our parents know now that we had a miscarriage.
Well, I am not sure that this is theraputic yet, but it is my story. Maybe next time, I can start to write about my grief or hopes and fears or whatever...for now, I am still numb and wondering why all of this happened.
Oh Krista, hunny, I dont even know where to start. Its so sad that youve had so many battles in life and that youre still having to fight them. I know journaling has helped me so much with my losses, and I hope it continues to get better for you. I will be stalking you from here on out though. Thought you should know
If you ever want to talk please feel free to PM me. It sounds like you and I had some pretty similar things happen in our lives. It wasnt my brother, but a neighbor, and man does it hurt. Im so sorry your daughter had to go through this as well. Its so sad to watch a child hurt I hope that when you heal emotionally youll be back to TTC and have a healthy happy sticky baby first cycle sweetheart!