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  #1  
November 8th, 2008, 08:58 PM
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I don't have any girlfriends. I guess I'm just not a "girlfriend" type of girl. I'm always in awe of the time and commitment it takes to maintain a friendship....oh, and that part where you have to share with each other and lean on each other. I'm horrible at that part.

So, I'm writing here to try and learn to share, to let people in, to let others share their experiences with me and, finally, to learn to be OK with being emotional. I've been raised my whole life to not show emotion and not let people get too close. I'm a military brat...we moved almost every year. I always had plenty of "superficial" friends at school...I looked like a popular girl on the outside...but when we were ready to move, I just left and never looked back. I never said goodbye and I never cried. I never kept in touch with anyone. I joined the military myself after college...and continued to show the tough outer shell.

My first pregnancy was a complete surprise. It was the week of the Montana state fair, and we (DH and I and friends) were partying up a storm. I believe it was on my 4th night of drinking/grilling out that I began to feel sick. We were at my friends house and I could barely stand I was so sick to my stomach. Of course, everyone made fun of me and chalked it up to too much booze and food that week. My DH took me home and put me to bed and went to the Big and Rich concert without me. I continued to be ill the next few days and DH convinced me to take a HPT. We were using the pill RELIGIOUSLY so I laughed him off. He wasn't so sure though and made me POAS. It was a digital test and that word "PREGNANT" just burned in my brain.

DH and I are not religious. We both are in the military and rapidly moving up the officer chain...very much involved with our careers. We talked frankly about the test results and decided it would be best to end the pregnancy. But...we were going to think on it for about a week. We talked and talked over the week. I looked my husband straight in the eye and said what we both were thinking.....we were married, we had a great house, we had plenty of money, we had lots of family support and friends, we had jobs that supported starting a family.....how could we end the pregnancy?? We independently decided that even though the pregnancy wasn't planned, it was meant to be and we were strangely ready for the next step in life. Once we committed, I was in....all in. If I was going to be a Mom, i was going to do it with 150% commitment.

We never made it to the doctor. I started bleeding a cramping a few weeks later. I was devastated...mostly because of the emotional commitment I had made to have the baby. The miscarriage itself was uneventful....heavy bleeding and cramping for a few days.

After my first loss, I went back on the pill and we planned to wait a few more years to TTC.


To be continued in the next post (maybe tomorrow)......
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  #2  
November 15th, 2008, 11:40 AM
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Liz,

I just read your journal and I can totally relate to the girlfriend part. I've never been good at making/keeping many friends and too am in awe w/ people who do so easily.

Thanks for beginning to open up- it should inspire others to do so. Good luck w/ TTC.

~Sarah
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  #3  
November 15th, 2008, 12:29 PM
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Journal entry 2 - 2nd loss

I put off writing this entry a while because it still makes me sad sometimes. But, I'm feeling ready today. So, I am active duty military. Last winter, I got interested in an elite training school. The application process started last April/May. I put in my application and then got sent across the country for another school that was a few months long. That was the first time I had ever been away from my husband of 3 years (long term anyway). The school was intense and for some reason inspired me to do a lot of soul searching and think about where I was going in life. The school was so fun, but for some reason it made me question if I wanted the military as a career.

So I got back from that school in July. I promptly bombarded my husband with tons of soul searching questions. I was feeling so unsure of everything. I was feeling really unsure about the application to the training school. I felt so mixed up.

We had been talking about having kids since my first loss a year ago. We weren't trying, mind you, just talking about when the right time would be. I told my husband that if he ever felt ready, he should just cut up my birth control pills. July was a great month, DH and I laughed and talked and enjoyed being with each other again after I had been away. One day, after my DH had left early for work, I stumbled into the bathroom and found my birth control pills all cut up. How fun!

We laughed and joked some more about the birth control pills when DH got home. We decided that I would not take them for exactly 1 month to see what would happen. if I didn't get pregnant, I would start them again in Sept. After that discussion, we really didn't think much about it. August was a whirlwind with lots of boating and end of summer partying.

I started to feel strange the first week of September. I was sitting around one day and thought, clear as day "I'm pregnant". Wierd stuff....maybe I just felt something I recongized from being pregnant once before. I took a test...a digital and got a "PREGNANT". My husband was working on our basement that day. I took the test in the middle of the day and called him upstairs. He must have been a little surprised but he gave me a huge hug and told me he was ready.

I love being pregnant...I loved it before I lost my first and I loved it before I lost this one. I gained weight right away and I looked different right away. I was so nervous about every step because of my first loss. Everyone told me I was being silly for my fears. When we got through the first ultrasound at 8 weeks, I figured we were out of the woods. The heartbeat was perfect, my tests were perfect, I felt great....just pregnant but no morning sickness.

I was posted out to the field the day before my 2nd ultrasound. I'm in charge of a 2 person crew and we take turns sleeping while the other person mans the console. Anyway, it had been a joke because the last time I was out with this particular crew partner, I got up about every 2 hours to pee. On this time to the field, though, I slept my entire sleep shift. I figured it was just cause I was only 1 week from being into my 2nd trimester.

I came back from the field and took a quick shower. I tried to stuff myself in some regular jeans...my DH laughed at me. I had gained 5 lbs! DH almost didn't come with me to the appointment because some stuff had come up at work. At the last minute, he was able to get away.

We had to wait 15 mins in the lobby to see my midwife. We spent the time talking about carseats and baby cribs. The nurse called me and weighed me...told me I was right on track. My midwife said everything was looking good and that we should be able to hear the heartbeat on the doppler. I was so excited.

The midwife started moving the doppler all over my stomach. Nothing heard but we were all laughing and making jokes. We knew that my uterus was tipped so it was probably going to be hard until the baby was bigger. Also, it had only been 2 weeks since my last ultrasound.

The midwife laughed and said we would just forget the doppler and do an ultrasound. She led me down the hall and got the machine set up. The baby popped up right away on the ultrasound. But, the magnification was messed up and the baby was really small and far away. The midwife confessed she didn't use the machine very often so had to play with it to bring the baby in closer. While she was fiddling, the doc came in and started talking to us about some genetic testing and early gestational diabetes check that were were going to do. The midwife said she would going to grab the normal ultrasound tech. When the tech came in, she hit a button and the baby got bigger on the screen. I knew something was wrong. I could just see as obvious as day there was no heartbeat.

The doc and the midwife and the tech were still playing it cool. They said that machine wasn't very powerful and it didn't have color. So, they would just take me next door and use the nice machine. I knew, i knew, i knew that was it. The baby was not alive. I held my DH's hand as we walked to the next room. I didn't say a word but everyone else just kept trying to fill the silence.

They got the nice ultrasound fired up and I started to cry. I just couldn't help it. They put the thing on my stomach and I didn't even look....just cried and cried. Someone said "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat". My DH started to cry so hard. He almost broke my hand he was squeezing it so hard. He buried his head on my stomach and cried so hard. I will never forget that moment.
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  #4  
November 17th, 2008, 06:03 PM
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Liz,

What a heartwrenching event you shared! I had tears in my eyes as I read it. I can't imagine making it that far into a pregnancy, finally relaxing a little, and finding out like you did that it was over. I love how you and your DH made the second time TTC fun w/ the cutting of the pills. I'm guessing this time around you are having a tough time making it fun like that. I know after 2 early losses I am having trouble w/ the fun part. Good luck w/ the soul searching for your job- that can be tough! Thank you for opening up again- I hope it helps you heal.

~Sarah
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  #5  
November 24th, 2008, 09:43 PM
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Liz, I am so sorry. I can't imagine how hard that was on the both of you. Just losing one at 6wks without seeing a heartbeat was traumatizing enough for us. I hope that you can go on to have a healthy baby VERY soon.
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  #6  
July 4th, 2009, 12:24 PM
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Wow, I have a TTC journal!! I was sitting here thinking to myself today that I should have a journal and then I went to look at the journals and there is mine! Apparently, I wrote one sometime during my grief induced haze of my second loss.

Quick catch up: About a month after my second loss, I landed a pretty intense, highly coveted job that was a step "up the ladder" in my career. DH and I decided that I should take the job and we would put off TTC for a year. Though the idea seemed good at the time, I found myself oddly sad about the whole decision. It ended up being a tough few months for DH and I...probably because I was trying to fill a void and fill it with something I couldn't have. As fate would have it, through a series of unfortunate and mixed up events, I lost the job. I was devestated to lose the job...I had worked so hard and put so much of myself into my career only to feel like the rug was pulled out from under me. In the midst of the sadness/frustration of losing the job, DH and I had some heartfelt talks and he finally understood that what I really wanted was to try and have a child. And, he realized that he wanted it too. We both finally saw that we were putting too much into work and not enough into our family. So, we started to TTC again and I went back off the pill in mid May.

Cycle 1: So after my last 2 experiences getting pregnant, I figured cycle 1 would be it for me! However, I realized that there was a lot of guesswork I had to do to figure out my cycle length and O day. Also, I was out of town just before I thought I would O which prevented us from DTD "early". Cycle 1 = bust

Cycle 2: I bought some digital OPKs. DH made a funny face and comment when he saw them. He does NOT like the idea of "trying so hard". I realized there are basic differences between guys and girls and this is one of them. I resolved to be more "secretive" about my OPK use. Only you all will really understand anyway. DH did agree that it was fine to let him know "the week" when we should DTD like crazy.
day 15 - DH went out for a run...I was bored....so I busted open the pack of OPKs and tried one out. BIG FREAKING SMILEY FACE! (Almost as exciting as BFP). My very first one!!! And on day 15!!!! I can't believe it caught it as I was sure I actually wasn't ovulating until day 19. Mmmm...now to try and entice DH to bed in the middle of the day. Ug, he's a difficult one...it may have to wait until tonight. He's due back any minute. I may have to bust out all the stops. I'll keep you ladies posted...
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  #7  
July 5th, 2009, 02:27 PM
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Tried my first opk yesterday. I went with the digital kind because I thought they would be easier to read. Well, I got a positive test yesterday (CD 15, July 4). Unfortunately, I was unable to entice DH to the bedroom. In fact, we ended up having a fight and I slept in the guest room last night. The truth is that we had a fight about DTD! Who does that? I told him that I was mad because I felt like I could never "initiate" intimacy...I always had to wait for him. Anyway, we talked it out this morning and he has agreed to be more open to my advances (isn't this backwards?). We DTD this morning. I used another OPK this afternoon and got another positive. Now, I'm worried I have high LH levels and will always get a positive test. Here's to hoping that tomorrow is a NEGATIVE.
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  #8  
July 8th, 2009, 09:01 AM
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sending you lots of hope you get that in two weeks and i wanna thank you for opening up i moved around lot too that dad was a miner and moved every 6 months to another country never got used to being good friends with girls and trusting them your story was really touching keep writting pls
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  #9  
August 23rd, 2009, 04:08 PM
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Cycle 2 was a bust.

Now, I am 4 days late on cycle 3. I have taken 3 pregnancy tests and they were all negative. I can't remember the last time I missed a period. My cycles are long but I'm never this late. I have had some killer cramps...I was almost doubled over yesterday. And I felt sick at work a few days ago. No other wierd symptoms. I spent the morning reading stories about how people were pregnant without testing positive. The thing is, I feel like I can't actually be pregnant this cycle. I was gone at school from CD12 - CD 20. So there is really no earthly way I could be pregnant.

Where is AF? This is stressing me out??!!! Also, I drank last night and I'm having a guilt trip because I really should wait for my period to drink when we are TTC.
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  #10  
August 29th, 2009, 12:02 AM
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Cycle 3 = 40 day cycle and a bust! Whoa. Yeah, AF finally showed on day 40. I'm glad she showed as getting BFN after BFN started to get really old. But a 40 day cycle means that I probably did not O. Also, I have PCOS and I'm wondering if my cycles are going to start creeping out of control again (before I was diagnosed and treated, I never had AF). I got pregnant the first two times the cycle after I got off birth control. I'm worried that may be the trick for me as my cycles start to slide off the deep end when I'm off birth control.

I can't believe we just finished cycle 3 of TTCAL. I guess it's a wierd business counting these cycles. I wish my cycles weren't so dang long. I feel like time moves in slow motion when your cycles are long and you are TTC. Also, I always feel wierd when I type "cycle 3". Really, we have been TTC for a lot longer than that, but how do you really count these things? We started and stopped and started and stopped TTC. My last loss was going on 11 months ago. I can't believe it's been that long. I would give a lot to be pregnant again before my loss date (Halloween ish). I guess I say this is cycle 3 because it's been 3 cycles since our last "starting TTC"....whatever. Really, we have been working through TTC and miscarriages for more than 2 years!

I'm feeling really down today. DH and I had a huge blowup this evening. My job is down the tubes, I'm a mess and pretty depressed. I just feel like I can't do anything right...neither work nor personal (TTC stuff). I want to quit my job more than anything but I can't. I want to get pg but i can't. More and more of our friends/acquaintances are pregnant and it just rips my heart up. It just breaks me when person after person announce their pregnancy at 4 weeks or so. We will never have that luxury. I will count every single day and worry every single day if I get pregnant again. DH and I will probably try to wait until at least 16 weeks before even saying anything to our coworkers.

I realized today that I cry almost every single day driving into work and then i cry almost every day driving home from work. DH just doesn't understand and he gets angry about it.

In less than 2 weeks, I have a string of doctor's appointments. First, I'm checking in with my ob/gyn and plan to talk about my long cycles, lack of ovulation and my diagnosis of MTHFR mutation. Then, I have an appt with a high risk pregnancy ob/gyn in town. I'm not exactly sure what that appt is supposed to be. My ob referred me and said that the high risk doctor likes to see people before they are pregnant. I have heard his standard protocol is to put people on injections (blood thinners) when they get pregnant. I'm not 100% sure about the protocol but I go back and forth because I'm not sure I can take another loss. Finally, I will check in with my endocrinologist...that visit should be a routine medication check but maybe he'll have some ideas too. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let me get some answers or direction. I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel right now.

Cycle #4 - started 27 August. Taking my "normal" drugs: 2000mg Metformin, 80mg aspirin, 800mg folic acid and a multi vitamin.

I haven't decided if I'm going to use OPKs or not. I think I will order a bunch of internet cheapies so I can use OPKs and HPTs at will...haha.

I think this will be the last cycle without temping. I sleep with my mouth open since I can't ever breath through my nose. I feel like it throws the temping thing off and I have been less than enthusiastic to temp anywhere else.
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  #11  
August 29th, 2009, 03:50 AM
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hey Liz just dropping by to check up on you and lend a little extra support HUGS

I totally relate to the frustration/depression when you start TTC and it doesn't happen right away - esp if you had an "easy" time conceiving previously. After my loss we waited almost 3 months to start again....and i just kinda figured it would happen immediately since our first pregnancy had been first week trying (ahhh honeymoons ) so while i was temping - and i was pretty bad at it - i wasn't doing anything extra. When i hit cycle 2 though i thought "well heck, let's try OPKs - what can it hurt?)...so we did OPKs and when i didn't get pregnant that cycle and now i'm temping religiously like a maniac, i absolutely had that moment of panic and doubt of whether there's just something wrong with me. I was also going through a really challenging time at work with my then boss (thankfully not mine anymore ) and it just felt like everything was falling apart.

I do think using OPKs helped me b/c i also had weird cycles...varying greatly in length, so don't give up completely on them yet if you don't find temping useful/feasible. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that you'll be in our next batch of BFPs really soon....glad you went to preconsult with your OB & peri...it can't hurt and if they put you on other medication hopefully that will give you your successful pregnancy!

If you ever need a shoulder i'm just a PM away...i'm still stalking several of you here in TTCAL to see how you're doing and cheer you on!
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  #12  
August 29th, 2009, 06:57 AM
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Liz, I am glad your strange and long cycle has ended. I hope your doctors visits an give you some answers and help you out. I can relate to the feelings you are having that nothing is going right. I think it is all part of the TTCAL journey. Take a deep breath and look at things individually. What is it about your job that you hate? Can it be changed without quitting (maybe transfer to a different area)? If you did quit what would you do that did make you happy? TTCAL is a hard journey and I think it is important to make other parts of our lives as easy as possible while we are in such a tough phase of our lives.

Take care of yourself!! We are all here for you to lean on (and lend a shoulder to cry on).
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  #13  
August 29th, 2009, 09:46 PM
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After my long rant in this journal last night, I ordered a bunch of OPKs, HPTs and Pre-Seed for this cycle....yes, at 2am. I also told my DH to his face that I would be using these things this cycle (previously, he didn't really want to know because it kinda ruined the magic for him). So, here's to being proactive on cycle #4.

Thanks for all the kind words, Ladies! It's good to have JM friends when you get really down. I love that everyone here understands exactly what a bad day feels like.
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  #14  
August 29th, 2009, 10:38 PM
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OH LIZ! I can totally relate with the crying to and from work... And I also cry in the shower. DH get mad at me when I cry also. I am so sorry that your cycles have been so wacky, I hope your get all the answers you are looking for. The unknowing is the worst... I used preseed this last cycle.. it was the first time cycle I used it. Was it that did the job? I won't know but, I can't say it hurted!!! GOOD LUCK! I hope you get that BFP soon!!!!
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  #15  
September 7th, 2009, 09:34 PM
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The Baby Making package has arrived! It contains a total of 20 OPKS, 15 HPTs and 1 bottle of PreSeed. My DH asked what the package was when it arrived and I looked him straight in the eye and told him (previously, he seemed to want the "magic/fantasy" of easy baby making). Now he knows we have to fight and these are the tools...haha.

Today is CD 12. I will start the OPKs tomorrow even thought its a bit early. Also, I have an appt with my ob/gyn. To be continued...
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  #16  
September 9th, 2009, 09:24 PM
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i hope you get your
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  #17  
September 10th, 2009, 04:52 PM
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CD 15...positive OPK! I always think it's slightly miraculous when that happens.

I took some Mucinex, I have the Pre-Seed on the nightstand....although I did notice a little EWCM of my own (just a little). Plan for tonight is to walk the dogs and then tackle DH...haha.

I was worried about this cycle as it's Thursday and I'm supposed to go out of town (again) on Sunday. I was soooo worried we were going to miss the window. But, it seems like we'll just make it as long as we BD one last time before I get on the plane Sunday morning.
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  #18  
September 10th, 2009, 07:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by starrsgirl View Post
cd 15...positive opk! I always think it's slightly miraculous when that happens.
hooray for positive opk!!!
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  #19  
September 15th, 2009, 04:36 PM
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I'm chilling in Washington DC trying to eat up some of the this 2WW! I am 3 DPO. That's it. I can't believe how long I still have to go! I have at least another week before I can test.

Symptom check: none...haha...duh.
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  #20  
September 17th, 2009, 03:18 PM
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I'm calling today 5-6 DPO as I hopefully ovulated last Saturday. I have felt some minor twinges in my abdomen today. Hopefully a good sign?
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