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My life changed on November 1st when I lost my sweet Angel at 11weeks 2days. Besides the physical pain, emotionally I felt as if my world was spiraling out of control.
I fought to not blame myself for my loss... I did everything right, I took my vitamins, I didn't drink caffine, I ate my veggies and "took" it easy like my doctor suggested. My first two pregnancies, although years ago, were fairly easy, and I guess I took them for granted. I believed I was out of the woods this time. I got to see my sweet babies heart beating away at 177bpm at 9weeks. Baby was measuring right on and growing ever so perfectly. Little did I know, two weeks later, on my wedding night, I would be saying goodbye.
DH and I were "surprised" with the pregnancy. I did not think it was possible for me to really concieve on my own... My ex husband and I tried for a year with no success, our relationship ended in divorce not long after due to him being unfaithful... his new girlfriend was pregnant with in a year. I however had joined the forces of single mothers and for 3 years I had accepted that maybe I wasn't meant to have any more children... that was until I met my now DH... I fell madly in love with him, we decided to get married and bought a house, and just a few short weeks after we put the offer in on the house and set our wedding date, I foudn out I was pregnant. My dreams were all coming to light, and everything felt to good to be true. Dh has ALWAYS wanted children, and though I had two from a previous marriage he still wanted to be able to have more. He loves my children with all his heart and is an amazing father.
My passion to make him a father was in heavy mode and now so more than ever. When we lost our angel, he cried and cried, all the while trying to be strong for me. We both want a sweet baby to hold and love.. We want to experience the blessing of a sweet child into our relationship.
After we lost Ashton, we both quickly decided that we would try again, and that brings us to where we are today. I have purchased my themometer and some OPKs and have been using Fertility Friend.
I am so nervous to go on this journey... the aniexity of trying to get pregnant, and then once finally pregnant, the aniexity of carrying the baby to term with no major issues.
The only people that know i am TTC are my online friends and other posters on this website. Maybe 2 IRL friends. Everyone knows we want a baby though.
This month has proven to be a busy month for us!... we just returned from a short weekend trip to the mountains.. the week before the we celebrated my daughters 6th birthday party and next week is Christmas!
We had quite the scare this month as well... Dh's company announced that they were going to lay off 12,000 people... not something we wanted to hear after purchasing our new home and starting our lives together. However after some promising news today it seems as though DH's job is safe and secure for a while at least!
I am trying to relax and increase the chances of Concieving by not getting stressed... I so was this baby. I am NOT a patient person, and this is really teaching me a valuable lesson.
Wow I am obsessed with it... my new OPK's I am really hoping to get a positive soon!
My mind has been constantly wandering to baby dreaming land.. I actually had a dream last night about having a baby... I remember his eyes being so big and blue and his face so round and perfect.. I have tears welling up in my eyes just thinking about it!
I have been day dreaming a lot though... dreaming about having a sweet baby in my arms.. Maybe, just maybe this time next year I will have a sweet infant in my arms.
Christmas has been partly depressing, and partly exciting. I am excited about Christmas this year, its going to be a very nice Christmas... Dh and I's first christmas together!!! I hope its a special one for him, gosh I love him so much! I am also busying planning my son's 8th birthday party which we are having on Jan 10th! We are going to do a Spy Theme party.. I have all kinds of crazy stuff planned I want to do! We are going to "steal" all the presents and hide them and leave clues for the kids to find them and of course each child is going to get a really cool invitation labeled "TOP SECRET". I can't wait!
DH has had to cover for other techs at the office last night and tonight so he hasn't been getting home until midnight, my poor sweety.. we went and had dinner with him last night by his work and we are going to do that tonight again too.. I love him so much and he is so sad he is not home with his family.
I did use last night to pick up some more christmas presents for him...
So far he is getting:
~New gas grill
~Apron and Grill utensils
~Bluray DVD of Indiana Jonse
~LED light for the garage
~2 affliction t-shirts (those freaking shirts are WAY to expensive.. its a TSHIRT for heavens sake)
~GPS navigation system
The kids are getting:
FurReal Dog (the big one that does all the crazy stuff)
Child Bow and Arrow (real one)
Air Soft Gun
Large target to shoot arrows at
Lazer tag game
a few games for the Wii
Backugons (sp?) and Backugon court thingy
Digital Piggy Bank
Build your own Jedi light saber kit
City lego Set
Hannah Montana items
FurReal roll over beagle puppy thing
Little Pet Shop play ground
Air Soft Gun (to shot with her brother)
A few games for the Wii
Digital Piggy Bank
Backugons (same as brother)
Still have a few more things to pick up.. but we will see... we are finishing up our shopping this weekend. Dh also got the kids a few things but I can't remember them all.
Work is so slow today and my mind keeps wandering to having a baby. I got two lines on my OPKs last night and this morning, they weren't quite dark enough to be positives though, so I am praying that means I will ovulate sooner than later.
I would love to be pregnant in 2009.
I am going to try my best to just enjoy christmas and not think TO much about TTC... although it seems to be ALL I think about anymore.
It's Christmas Eve... I am running on maybe 4 hours of sleep from the last two days, the holiday rush, trying to get everything together.
Today my heart is a little heavy, I miss my angel, yesterday I had a very vivid flashback of the day the U/S tech confirmed my worst nightmare. Today I would have been 19 weeks.
According to my chart, I think I Ovulated, I hope if I did that I we caught the eggy... It's so nerve racking as much as I want a baby, but I am fearing a pregnancy so much, pregnancy scares me, so many things can go wrong and as a mother there is little you can do once things start to go wrong.. you can do everything right, and in an instant everything does downhill. I really fear the first trimester, I am going to be a nervous wreck and really until I feel movement, I will not be able to calm down much.
Hopefully I will be bringin in the new year with a new start, a new pregnancy.
This month feels "good". I feel like maybe my body is back on track, I feel like I will have a strong LH surge.. I already saw a line on my OPKs this month and last month I didn't even see a line until 14dpo and I never got a strong line... I am only 7dpo.
I go back to get my blood work done again on the 28th. I hope my progestrone is back to normal! I am so ready for this pregnancy.. for this baby... for this new little future! I am trying to be a lot more relaxed this month and see if that helps!