[raeleyfan]

I miscarried on May 30th. It was the most surreal experience I have ever had. I never thought it would happen to me...I dont know why I felt this way, but it was a shock when it happened. My hubby and I were not trying to get pregnant when it happened, although we had tried for 18 months the previous couple of years to no avail. Like i said it was all surreal. I hadnt expected to ever become pregnant again, then it happens, we are blissful and cannot imagine God taking this baby away from us...

8 weeks into the most perfect pregnancy ever, I started spotting, went to the ER, did an u/s...found heartbeat, baby was growing...everything looked normal. I had a complete miscarriage the next night. I was a shell of myself. But, I quickly picked up the pieces and concentrated on my 3 year old daughter. My husband and I decided that we would not try again, it just seemed too hard.

Well, obviously we changed our minds, and now I am scared to death. Scared that I won't even be able to get pregnant again, scared that if I do it will end in the same manner, scared that I dont know if this is the right thing to be doing. I just know that I feel that I am not done having children, and I feel that I was cheated.

This entry sounds much more bitter than I actually feel...I just had to get the history out of the past so I could start this journal off...So here I am, dreaming of a little bundle of joy, missing my angel that I didnt get to meet, loving my daughter more than ever, and a nervous wreck! Luckily, my husband doesn't let his stress level outwardly show, he is my rock.

We have been trying this month, I dont really know when i ever O, i tried the opk's, never got a positive line, so I am just winging it. The plan is to let things happen naturally...not really timing it or planning it. This is how it happened both times for us. God I hope it happens again...