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(my post from my other journal) : DH ORDERED US 24 CONDOMS THEY ARE DUE TO COME 7-9 DAYS WHICH IS OCT 31ST,NOV 1ST OR 2ND.
AND I AM DUE TO O ANYTIME BETWEEN OCT 29-NOV 2ND
SO THE ?S ARE
WILL I O BEFORE WE START PREVENTING?
IF WE O BEFORE PREVENTING WILL WE CATCH OR MISS THE EGGY?
THIS IS A LEAVE UP TO FATE CYCLE....EVEN THOUGH WE ARE NOT TRYING. DH AND I DECIDED AFTER WE USE THE 24 CONDOMS WE WILL Ttc THE VERY NEXT FRESH CYCLE (MAYBE DECEMBER???) BUT NO MATTER WHAT I WILL KEEP MY JOURNAL POSTED....
WE HAD A NICE SHORT DATE EARLIER... ITS TIME FOR ME TO CLEAN THE BATHROOMS IN OUR BEDROOM EVERYONE HAVE A LOVELY FRIDAY.
WELL NOW THAT WE ARE NOT STRESSING ABOUT TTC...MY DH HAS PUT SOMETHING NEW IN MY LAP...THE FINANCES HE WANTS ME TO BE IN CHARGE OF THEM NOW...AND HE JUST GO AND MAKE THE MONEY.....THIS WILL 100% GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO AND TO IMPROVE AND BRING DH AND I TOGETHER A LOT CLOSER. WHAT A MONTH!!!
Finally I have J.M. all figured out...it took me one whole week(since making a new account) so I am very happy about that accomplishment...now i need to seriously get the rest of my work done (small bathroom& straighten up the bedroom) then im a relax after that...I have decided that i am going to go ahead and start reading journals again...it just feels like something is missing with not reading journals for a whole week...I like being everyone's cheer leader....life is good no matter what tomorrow is going to be so fun when i go to chill with my friend amie.....and just to get away from the everyday thing...I can not wait til my dh comes home in just 4 hours....later everyone
Its 11:36a.m. preety soon I will be getting ready for my whole day..I look forward to when Amie gets here in about 1 hour 1/20-2 hours.(1pm/1:30pm eastern time) I still need to do very last min. straighten up my room in case she decides to take a rest...cause she lives about 30 mins driving time i think...it feels like a long ride to me... especially since she likes to do a lot of shopping&window shopping....I am so polar opposite of that....but its pro bally why we get along so well...i cant wait to see her puppy lab dog... the last time i saw him was in aug. so i am sure that he is huge now....I made the mistake last time of making a dog bark...and he barked loud back at me...pro bally thinking I was a dog or there was a dog in the house...i will never do that again lol...i hope he will be nice to me when and if i see him next. I am actually scared of big dogs.....but i know i have to put that fear behind me...cause animals can sense that fear...I dont know if i mentioned this in any of my blogs...but i had this dream last week that lasted a very long time...that i ended up getting pregnant in this house....while the inlaws were still living here...i got to raise my son here he was in his months....and my sister in law throws a lavish baby shower for her friend....(she actually does have a friend that is Ttc her third) so I just found this dream interesting...although i do not want to be here much longer...but usually when i have a strong feeling like this...i do not get my way....
last but not least...
Today is 7 years and 5 months that I have been married to my dh.
Its 11:02p.m. I had so much fun with my friend amie earlier...its been about an hour since she dropped me off back at my house...we went to the pet shop...and i got to be near and pet a great dane puppy....it had two different colors in her coat...she started nibbling on my shoe strings, my sweater...i was not mean enough to say no...i just ended up standing up...she started off being calm and then got spazzy acting...because it was so cold i was not in the mood to walk around much like we usually do when we hang out......we went back to her house and i got to be around her baby great dane..in my earlier post(s) i think i said that she had a lab. i was wrong about that. I am amazed that she knows so much about dogs...she wants to eventually be a breeder. we ended up going to see Astro Boy....it was better than I thought it would be...i did fall asleep sometime during the first 20 mins...because i had three layers of clothing on a short sleeve shirt,long sleeve shirt and sweater...i didnt take them off...and when i woke up from accidently falling asleep...i was wondering why i was so hot when i took the sweater off i was just fine it was good to take a mini vacation away from home....neway now i am back to being home....ne how i can not wait to start reading some more stories....and check to see if one of my J.M. girl friend is still preggo...with all my heart I hope she still is...ne how i hope everyone had a great weekend. Monday will be here before we all know it.
p.s. i am so amazed by how my friend can say that she will be ok if she never has kids......if it happens someday when she is in a steady relationship great(but she does not have the baby bug) oh i wish i had her strong will.
Its 2 52am waiting for dh to walk through the door of this bedroom any min. I have missed him all day(yesterday) but will spend all day with him today...I want to get some offline things done...and in the mail monday morning....monday i should get a lot of time to myself...because my nephew charlie is going to his maternal grandma's house to get watched...while his mom(my sis in law) goes to her job interview& take her dh(my b.i.l.) to get his 4 wisdom teeth pulled....I will then count down to when my dh goes to work...get a lot of me time..then count down to when the inlaws come back home...so monday will be fun. In 1 month and 1 day is going to be Thanksgiving....wow
In 15& 16 days I will be remembering my twins that I miscarried.....those dates will be 1 year since that......i can not believe that this date is coming around so soon.
well dh is here so im a wrap this up til sometime monday.
(p.s.) waiting on those free 10 preg tests to come in the mail..kind of ironic when we will be preventing as soon as the condoms get here...so waiting on two opposite things...depending on which one comes first...I will take it as a sign of some sort.
10/25/09 cd 10 n.t.n.p. my plans/events 2009/2010:
oct-n.t.n.p. til our condoms arrive here.
22nd&29th my nephews Charlie&Lorenzo 13 months.
nov-preventing for 24 days. then trying.
9&10 1 year since m/c of my twins.
18-8 months that my mom in law has been in Heaven.
22&29my nephews charlie&Lorenzo 14 months
23&25thbro& sisters bdays.
dec-Ttc( if possible buy pre seed)
4-my 29th birthday
5-my bros bday, day after mine.
dec18th-9 months that my mom in law has been in Heaven.
dec 22-remembering my mom in law on her was birthday.
22&29my nephews charlie and Lorenzo 15 months.
dec25th-Happy Bday Jesus!
30-bro&bro in law's bday.
Happy New Year 1-1-2010(my dad is getting married to Stella.(his 2nd marriage to be)
5th-my sister's 17th bday
sisterinlaw's bday. she turns 15.
18-10 months that my mom in law has been in Heaven.
25th-sis in law's bday
22&29my nephews Charlie& Lorenzo turn 16 months.
8th-dh turns 27
18-my dad's bday
18-mom in law been in Heaven for 11 months.
22&29my nephews charlie&Lorenzo turn 17 month.
18-1 year that mom inlaw has been in Heaven.
my nephews charlie&Lorenzo turn 18 months.
29-my sister's bday.
9th-2 years that dh and I have been living with b.i.l. his wife and their son.
12-bro&his wife been married 8 years.(we want them to get back together if they want)
13th-I have been baptized 6 years.
22&29th my nephews charlie&Lorenzo turn 19 months.
22-my mom's bday.
24-dh& I's 8 year wedding anniversary(this is how long dh's parents were married before they divorced) so this is/will be a huge mile stone for us. looking at his parent's history.
22&29th my nephews Charlie& Lorenzo turn 20 months.
7th my bro's bday.
11-my twins would of been 1 years old.
22&29th my nephew's Charlie&Lorenzo turn 21 months.
29-my inlaws celebrate their 7 years wedding anniversary.
4th-my sis in law's bday
my nephews turn 22 months.
29-1 year with the gym.
22&29 my nephews turn 23 months.
1-2 years that dh& I wanted to try to get preggo
7-bro&his wife married 2 years.
4th-baby sister's 16th bday
22nd-my nephew charlie turns 2 years old.
25th-sis inlaw turns 30.
29-my nephew Lorenzo turns 2 years old.
brother& sister's bdays
4 I turn 30.
22-remembering my mom in law on her was bday.
30bro&bro inlaws bday.
hey everyone we finally hit the gym today after not going for like 19 days....bad I know...but we are going to get back into the swing of things...oddly enough i only gained 3 pounds...i was expecting the scale to say something way higher so I am at lost 15 pounds since july 29,09. I thought i would have to end up the whole day by myself but the inlaws came home as my dh was leaving for work.... i absolutely loved church yesterday... about me telling my mom that dh would start using condoms( i forget the reason i told her) but I did not like her response....i might something else to her to let her know there is more to it then whatever I told her....there is just no way that she can know how im feeling...when she popped out 9 kids....1 year after the other...the most break she ever had was like 2 years...with baby 7 to baby 8. oh i think i had told my mom that i was not trying not preventing...i dont even think i got a chance to tell her that we would be using condoms from time to time...I remember in some previous posts/journals that i said im going through this phase because its just too painful trying and not seeming to get any where in the baby department.....oh also i was telling my mom this news...so that she might ease up on talking to me about what dh and I should do if we want to get preggo...its just more painful hearing about this stuff with family then friends(online too) well ne way this whole week is my fertile week...leading up to ovulation...the condoms did not come today...and I am still waiting on those free ten pregnancy tests that I signed up for about a couple weeks ago...i think it was.... time is flying by and it is hard to keep track...i like being involved in the finances and I have high hopes that things will start looking look up soon....we actually have a 1-3 year plan now.......ever since dh has stepped down from supervisor to agent...now he has this supervisor trying to make it hell on my dh.....that supervisor said some really mean stuff....and had the nerve to say that he was behind in getting my dh's brother fired...that is just so un professional...my prayers is with my dh today as he goes to that supervisor's boss....to let him know what is going on...i hope dh gets a different supervisor and maybe even a shift change...why cant drama just leave me and my family alone anyway i hope everyone has a great week!
hey everyone! waitn on dh to come home from work...i can not wait to hear how his work day went...i hope better than saturday. I told him frankly yesterday that I am really tired of hearing bad news...we need good news only. By the way my sis in law that we room mate with...got the job yesterday that should help alleviate some of the stress around here. Im the only one left out of 4 people that needs to get a job...so if anyone wants to do a special prayer for me today...thanks....any how I have about one last hour to myself so im a go ahead and wrap up this entry.
Its 1 11am here...waiting on dh to come home from work...well i got a nice lovely letter from my mom in the mail yesterday...this is the 2nd letter that she has written that does not support my current attitude of n.t.n.p. (& soon preventing) and then trying...and then probally back to n.t.n.p, then preventing method....for religious reasons...I understand where she is coming from....Ive been dealing with infertility for 7 years......and I will have to learn on my own...how to go about all of this....I will have to ask for more faith....for more hope...and what to do.....but if right now is not my time to be preggo and a mom 9 months later...and its meant to be my time later down the road...then my trying/not trying is not going to matter right now....but no matter what its my emotions that I have to deal with and bear.....when i go to sleep and when I wake up...I will read my bible more...I do know and believe that God saids to his creation---Be fruitful multiply. That is his Will... I will be patient..... I think it is time that i write my mom and tell her the only reason why we want to use condoms sometime is to give my body time to heal.....i think its trying to get pregnant over and over...which means if the body is not ready...then that can mean miscarriages over and over....I can only take so much right now...also i found out that someone in the family "might" be pregnant...and I have no clue if that family member would keep her baby,abort or adoption......my mom wants to be grandma for the 2nd time...i guess my 1 year nephew/her grandson does not keep her busy enough I thank her for all her words of truth.....but at the end of the day its up to dh and I.....why I told her.....now I do not know
Its 6:02pm waiting on dh to get back from the gym,store and not sure what else...but today has been my super emotional day..........I told dh we have to get our own place by april 2010 if i do not get pregnant by then...because I just can not take our living situation any more....april 2010 will be 2 years with the inlaws....I sent a message to my sis in law via facebook asking her if we could post pone girl movie time to the first week of Jan. I want to spend my last month of being 28 to myself and not have to deal with seeing the mom and baby thing as much.....I hope and pray 2010 is a better year. Thanks to those that have been following my journey....Its an emotional painful one. ((( so far))) btw I did some calculations on pregnology.com it said today and the next three days are my most fertile days.......still waiting on our 24 condoms & 10 preg tests...what an unlikely match I will be ok tomorrow when dh is off to work....
i am so happy that it is a new day...after i spend a little time with dh...get some good sleep...i will be like new again yes! lol....oh i finally read through the 2nd letter of my mom's she has a lot of good points...she is 100% against condoms...and even more against condoms with spermicide...i let her know in my letter response...that we will be doing this for medical reasons...im trying to give my body a break...just a month(Nov) i wonder what her reply is going to be??? I have learned that I will never have this conversation with my mom...ever...ever...ever...ever again...its like worse than my whole ttc journey.....seriously...pro bally why i was such a wreck emotionally yesterday...sometimes bringing a family member into your troubles...can make it worse... I feel so bad but I will not be hanging out with my sister inlaw or friend amie til jan 7th& 9th....i just need a break from a lot right now.
what is said to my step big sister in law...just now via facebook:
I had to make a hard decision last night...in fact all of yesterday I was emotionally miserable.....I felt it was ok if Paul and I use condoms time to time so my body can rest...and not keep having miscarriages after miscarriages...Ive gotten to the point that I do not count any more....well we had already ordered the condoms...but still waiting for them to come in the mail...well some part of my heart decided to write my mom and let her know that paul and I are not trying to get pregnant any more( the not trying not preventing method...and sometimes we will prevent too...well my mom saids that I need to write down every scripture in the bible that I like...and that (this is in my words by the way) Paul and I do not have to do or not do anything...because babies come from God. DO NOT USE CONDOMS,Do Not , Do not use spermicide.... If I love God show him...If I want a baby....show him........she gave me the scripture of 1 Corinthians 13 (saying what Love is) that I need to trust God.....that he will give me children in his time....this list goes on sis....I admit that in the Love department that I struggle with Patience the most....
because I do not want to hurt God
and all the words that my mom said...I am going to just keep it Not Trying Not Preventing....
one day I will be much stronger emotionally than I am right now.....