[ldovey83]

Mar 1 2010..
So I decided to try one of these journal things.. I have kept alot of journal's laying around I guess the only difference is it is open to everyone reading.. That's ok though.. Maybe this will help someone one day when they are feeling the same way and want to know if it is normal.. I have asked myself that many of times..

OK well in Jan 2009 I had my Mirena IUD removed so that I could start ttc #2... I got my period like 2 days after removal and was excited to finally get this show on the road.. Well in this time frame I had one of my best friends find out she was pregnant.. I took it ok cause I had hope.. Well each cycle was a long.. Finally May 15, 2009 I got my first faint BFP.. I was so excited.. I couldn't believe it was finally happening.. I noticed some things changing like my eating habits but not to much other then that.. The day after my dad's bday I felt something wet down there and ran for the bathroom and I say the worst site ever dark red blood.. I panicked and text ed my best friend and told her what was going on she told me to go to the ER.. So after trying and trying to get ahold of DH I finally got ahold of him and I just started crying. So we got to the ER they did blood work and the ultrasound and all that other bull just to tell me I lost the baby.. MY heart just broke into pieces. That was the first time I have ever seen my DH cry. He kept telling me not to cry cause we could try again.. Not words I wanted to hear. I wanted that baby, but what could I do.. It was not in my control.. So I went on with life.. I had a rough few wks..

Well come May 31st, 2009 a couple of days before my birthday I got the best bday present ever.. Anther BFP... I tried not to get my hopes up to much, but it is hard not too.. I went with everything and just tried to relax and take it easy unlike last time, and waited till I went to get my pregnancy confirmation.. So on the morning of that I was super excited cause I was told I would be geting an ultrasound.. Well when I went to pee in the cup I noticed it was red.. So I dumped it in the toilet, and whiped and sure enough bright red blood.. I cleaned up and finished peeing and got some normal pee, and when I went back in the lady could see I was pale and asked what was wrong I told her I went to pee and I am bleeding.. So she did the test sure it was still pos.. She told me to call my OB I see and see what he said.. Once again I was told to go to the ER.. So all day I sat there to find out I lost that baby too.. I went numb and into a different kind of depression then the first time.. More anger this time.. Not understanding why I was going through this again..

So fast ward to where I am today.. I am on 6 months of ttc after my second loss. It has been getting harder and harder each month after AF shows... DH tells me that I need to stop obsessing so much... I stopped doing opk's but my body has been so unpredictable that I am not giving up my temping not after I just bought the right thermometer.. So I am still going to temp.. He said he has seen me change into a very depressed and emotional person. I said well yeah.. Look what we've been through.. I said it is very hard for me to be going through this when all of our close friends are pregnant or having second and third children.. It is very hard on me emotionally and mentally knowing I should be holding our angel bean, or I should be about to give birth to my sticky bean.. It is really hard.. Guys seem to think you have this whole month to get pregnant and don't get that you don't.. There is only this little window, and after every failed cycle I get more and more upset.. I am starting to feel like failure cause I never went through this before.. I got pregnant so easily with my son and my two losses and this is just insane..
OK my vent is over.

[Im.Nayomi]

hi & welcome. Here is some baby my name is Nayomi.

[ldovey83]

Alrighty I find myself needing to write in my journal again.. I don't always feel in the mood to write or feel it necessary, but once again I find myself upset and not having anyone to talk to about my issues with getting pregnant.. I have tried timing it better and I stayed propped up for 30 mins.. The other times I got pregnant I laid propped up and fell asleep, but now that DH works nights when O time comes around it is normally on the nights he works so we have to squeeze it in during the day, and so I find myself not getting to stay put to long. It has really started to get to me.. I am starting to get rather upset.. I resisted testing thinking I wouldn't be that upset when AF showed but I still found myself crying when she did show.. Nothing seems to help cause after over a yr of trying to have a second child and with the two losses and all my friends having babies, this journey just seems to be getting more difficult..I find it an emotional struggle for me.. Everyone notices that I am not the same happy Lindsey I have been, and I have been gaining weight because of my depression, and then I get even more upset and depressed when I can't fit in my clothes.. I know I am not the only person in the world that is struggling to get pregnant and some are struggling and havn't even had a child.. I have a son to be thankful for.. I just never thought I would be one to struggle especially after having a perfect pregnancy with my son.. It is rather upsetting to think about.. What hurts the most is I can't even see my Dr and have him help cause I don't have insurance at the moment since DH jsut started this job and hasn't hit his 90 days yet.. You see all these shows on TV and all these movies and they make it look so easy.. People's comments to me when I do try to talk to my friends are oh it will happen you just need to stop stressing and just let it happen.. Truthfully if they had been in my shoes they would see it isn't easy just sitting back and seeing if it will happen.. You have to makes some effort. Making a baby dosen't just happen, you have to time it right and you have to bd..Ok I think I am done with this entry..Thanks for letting me vent in this journal thingy.