[Shadeauxe]

This was my pregnancy journal from my pregnancy that resulted in a loss. I wanted to move it here because it belongs here and not in the DDC. I don't want to forget it and I don't want to edit the humor out of it, because that's part of who I am. Anyway, I don't know if people ever come in here, but here's my story...

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Weeks 1-3 - Ignorance & Bliss
I had no idea I was pregnant, so I was still blissfully drinking coffee and eating all of the cheeses made from un-pasteurized milk. I did have a ridiculous cold that seemed to stretch on forever though.

Week 4 - Finding out I was pregnant (no longer ignorant, different bliss)
It was 2:45 AM in Paris. Though the air was cold outside, inside the smoke filled discotheque, it was hot and muggy. The alcohol was flowing freely and everyone was dancing. You may be asking yourself why a pregnant woman was lurking around in a seedy dance club, filled with smoke and drinking. However, since you did not submit your question in writing, I am not obligated to answer you.

Meanwhile, back in New England (insert Super Friends music transition), it was 8:45 PM. Just me and my only pregnancy test in my bathroom. I debated for about a week about whether I should use the test because I didn't know if it was too early and I didn't want to have to go buy more later simply because I was impatient. Laziness FTW! Turns out my fears were un-warranted because it turned positive in about 7 seconds. I wasn't just pregnant, I was super pregnant.

I had to go in to have blood drawn for a vitamin D test the next day and convinced the lab tech to draw extra blood for a pregnancy test. After playing phone tag with Nancy the nurse all day, I finally got confirmation from them (Friday 11/5).

Week 5 - It's a Jellyfish
Right now, my baby looks like a jellyfish. I am ok with this. I like nature. Only symptom is fatigue.


Week 6 - And now it's a dinosaur chewing bubble gum
Paleontologists got nothing on this one. Of course it also looks a little bit like a manatee. Perhaps I should eat more lettuce. I know they like that. Still only fatigued.


Week 7 - Gollum, the Precious

Really nothing new to report. I did NOT go around shouting "My Precious!" thank goodness. It was Thanksgiving though, so fun time to eat way too much great food. No complaints.

Week 8 -

Ok, so now, according to this Baby Center picture, my baby looks like it has a pompadour hairdo. So it's either going to be Elvis or the lead singer of the Stray Cats. Also, it looks like it is either solving a Rubik's Cube or gazing into a crystal ball. I am not sure how I feel about this. This is only day one of Week 8, so I have no idea what the week will hold. First U/S tomorrow then I can have a real picture of what's inside me. My first child at 8 weeks looked like a penguin, according to two friends (see below comment with picture). We shall see.

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So, it turns out I am not having an Elvis baby. I think the jury is still out, but my vote goes to one of the following: a teddy bear with a giant head, an alien/Homer Simpson and and old man with giant ears. I'll let you cast your own votes (see below).

The heart beat was great, 170bpm, so that was good news. The radiologist asked me if I knew which ovary I ovulated from. I couldn't figure out how I was supposed to know that or why it mattered. She then attempted try to carve out a spot for a third fallopian tube/ovary while in search of my first one. Luckily the second one was easier to find. She also told me that this baby is from my left ovary. I don't know why this information is remotely useful. I mean, if I had an OCD OB/GYN that hated non-lefties, I'd be in luck. I can see myself shouting at the child as a teen, "You know, I knew you'd be trouble as soon as I found out you were from my left ovary. Why couldn't you be more like your brother???!?!?!"





The end of an era
There's really no great way to phrase a miscarriage. It was definitely a surprise given the good ultrasound, but I started spotting the next day and t kept increasing. Early Wednesday morning (12/8) I went to the ER because I knew something wasn't right. The ultrasound showed no heartbeat. After that, it was just a matter of waiting until my body did what it needed to do.

Now, I know this news makes everyone sad, but you shouldn't be sad for me. I am not sad. I am disappointed, but there's nothing I can do. I couldn't have done anything different to make this baby stick nor could any medicine have. Some things just aren't meant to be. I am at peace with this and I think a big part of that is that I know that when things in my life don't work out the way that I want, the next thing that comes along is even better than I could have imagined.

Also, this is not my first pregnancy. I have a wonderful son and if he's all I end up with in this lifetime, then I am still the luckiest person in the world. So, really, I have no regrets and life is good. I will include a picture of Liam (sorry it's so big) and if I happen to get pregnant again and start a new journal, I'll come back in here and let you guys know.

[CAMPMOMMYAMY]

You're just amazing. Your posts always make me laugh and how you can remain so calm and positive and sane in the midst of ttcal is awesome.

[Erin84]

I just read this. Thanks for sharing, Courtney

Edit: I guess it's sort of inferred that I read it, and didn't really need to say it... Wouldn't make much sense if I dropped in and said, "Saw your post, didn't read it! Just leaving a pointless comment!"

[.:Shortcake:.]

Courtney... wow is all I can say. You take everything so different than most others and it seems your more at peace with things. I enjoyed reading this and I'm hoping you get to join another DDC and I can stalk your journal there as well

[Shadeauxe]

Thanks guys! I am definitely out there in my own space. I don't know why I think the way I do and I wish I could pass it along sometimes to help people's pain, but I am terrible at expressing sympathies. I hate general platitudes and have trouble knowing what to say and what not to say. I usually say nothing in those cases.

I wasn't sure if it was a appropriate to put this here, but I wanted I place where I knew I could find it.

[LindseyE117]

Wow I love your writing. English was one of my favorite subjects, I can see that you are a writer too.

You are truly an amazing person. You took it so well. I love that picture of your son too.