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  #1  
April 28th, 2011, 09:00 PM
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Writing my thoughts is my thing, much more so than talking them out (talking doesnt last, a written record does))...This story is LONG...the first part is nice, but the second part is sad...this journal isn't about having someone read it, it is mainly just my way of remembering this baby...you dont need to read it, it isnt written to be "read"...it its been only a week at this point, and I want to have a written record before memory fades...

Fair warning that there is also some TMI in here...

My husband was the first person I met in college, I was 17, he was 18....we became the best of friends, and would have classes together and go out to lunch/dinner all the time..he was very shy, and it took him 3.5 years to ask me out, however, since then, we've been inseparable...however, we are the definition of taking things slow:
1997 - started dating
2000 - got engaged
2002 - got married

and...

We had been NTNP for a few years, this just involved not much birth control and and ever lengthening cycles...but nothing too serious...

Finally, after realizing that I wasnt getting any younger, at the age of 32 (right after we completed an Ironman triathlon to scratch off our bucket lists), I decided that it was time to get really serious about this having a kid thing (and when I get serious about something, I get serious!)...

I did EVERYTHING - temping, charting, cervical mucous, cervical position...and stupidly long 45-90 day cycles...after a few months, I found a great doctor and brought a folder full of charts and information...because the cycles were so long, and we were getting older, she helped me out sooner than most...I got an HSG (tubes clear), Matt got a sperm analysis (all good), and after 3 more months (she had me get progesterone draws at 7DPO and I had consistently low progesterone), she got me on Clomid...the Clomid was the key to start regulating my cycles to a normal person time period...two Clomid cycles later and still no pregnancy and I was ready to move on to something more...

We had a consult with an RE (who said that I had very weak ovulation) and were going to do an IUI with Clomid cycle in July, but decided to have a break month in June (the RE suggested to try because he said that the Clomid would still be in my system enough to give me a boost to ovulation), and we tried...good thing! Cause, that June cycle resulted in our son Kaiden!

It was the most wonderful, uneventful pregnancy...and though I was worried, I always knew that everything would be ok...

Fast forward to his one year birthday...I had been breastfeeding, but at this point, he had self-weaned down to one night session per day...I still hadnt gotten AF however...about 2 weeks before his birthday, I started getting EWCM for the first time since getting pregnant with him, 4 days before his birthday, I got a + OPK and decided to give it the old college try...but only once, since we had a constant swarm of people in town for Kaidens birthday party...

Imagine my shock and delight when I got a very light + HPT at 10DPO...I was excited, I couldnt believe our luck, that it had happened so easily, our family was almost complete (we only wanted 2 kids)...but there was ALWAYS a voice in the back of my head that told me to be afraid...

But, betas went up perfectly...

6 week U/S (at the RE) was perfect, H/B was perfect, measuring perfectly...

Got one at 7 weeks (at the OB since I hadnt had a PPAF yet), and might be measuring a few days behind, they werent worried - but at this point, I KNEW that this baby wasn't going to make it, I dont know why, I dont know how, but I knew...

I was scared, so I found a free viability clinic and got another U/S there at 7.3 weeks...and baby was once again measuring perfectly, H/B was perfect at 154...this was the last time I got to see my baby alive...

At 8.4 weeks, my nausea - which had been steadily increasing over the last few weeks, seemed a lot less...at 8.5 days, even less...I kept picturing in my mind seeing the U/S with no heartbeat and simultaneously trying to push the thought out of my mind, but I couldnt do it...

At 8.6 weeks, I had a followup U/S with the OB (she is wonderful and when I was so concerned that the baby was measuring a few days behind at the last U/S with her, she suggested that I come in for another in 2 weeks - just to ease my mind)...my hubby is a bit flaky and accidentally went to the wrong hospital...I just wanted to see my baby's heartbeat, so I didnt even wait for him, I held my son tightly, jumped onto the table and...

There was the baby - measuring perfectly (at exactly 9 weeks)...but, it looked so different than Kaiden did when I saw him at that gestation...there was no movement...the baby was curled into a C-shape, and devastatingly, there was absolutely no heartbeat...I practically willed the U/S tech to find the heartbeat, but my will was no match for reality...she looked for a long time, and she tried to get it to register on the doppler...but we were both aware that it wasnt there...

I was hysterically, as Kaiden (who was still on my chest) stroked my cheek and kept smiling at me trying to make me happy (I will never forget his precious face doing his best to comfort me at that time)...the OB came in and explained my options...though I wasnt really following much at that point...

All I knew was that I wanted it out...I couldnt deal with a dead baby inside of me...a D&C couldnt be done until next week, and waiting it out was not an option, so I chose the misoprostol pills...

Matt finally got there, he was just in shock (cause he had probably told me a million times that everything was fine) and didnt know what to do for me, so he did what he does best and was just there for me, and took over with Kaiden...

He drove me home, and I was just in a daze...I was crying, practically hysterical the entire time...but not because I was feeling the pain - I was completely numb, it was more so because I knew that I should be crying...

I got home, Matt took Kaiden, and I tried to rest while waiting for the prescription to be filled...
My body would not rest...

At around 3pm, I inserted the first pill - probably he hardest thing I've ever done...I KNEW that they baby was dead, but externally, everything still seemed so perfect - except for the decreasing symptoms...

I also took a percocet...

Nothing happened...so, I inserted another dose at around 7pm, took another percocet and just hoped that it would be over soon...

The percocet helped me get out of my body, but when the pain hit around 8pm, the percocet did practically nothing...back cramps, front cramps, shaking, nausea...bad...15 minutes of this, and something gushed out...at the time, I wasnt thinking clear enough to even contemplate what it was, but looking back, I think that the gush was probably my baby...I didn't sleep that night, bleeding and cramps, and crying and thinking, but not thinking clearly, as I took a few more percocet to numb the pain...trying to erase what was happening from my mind by watcing mindless musicals on Netflix...

The next day, it did seem real, and I tried to hold off on the percocet so that I could digest what had happened...digest I did, that was a tough day!

Saturday and Sunday were a bit better, and I was lucky enough to be able to have alone time (Matt took amazing care of Kaiden to let me have my space)...

MOnday, I was alone with Kaiden (Matt had gone back to work) when I started have pretty bad cramps...I locked Kaiden in the bathroom with me and passed the gestational sac - but some was stuck, Kaiden was getting scared, and I couldnt calm him, pull it out, and deal with my feelings at the same time...I flipped out, and Matt came rushing home to our rescue...getting through that day was really when I started to feel a bit stronger...

Tuesday, I saw my mommy group again, and we just had a big group hug (they later brought us dinner so that we wouldnt have to cook)...and I got a good news U/S that said that all the "fetal matter" was out...I felt like I cold finally start the process of moving on...

Since then, I've felt stronger...time heals - slowly...

I've also been motivated to try to make as many positive changes (thanks Lisa!) in my health and diet so that the next baby would be healthy, and would be conceived a lot easier than my first one - I've practically memorized this article:
How Diet Affects Fertility - Newsweek

Am trying to feel positive that I will be having a healthy baby soon...
Will update as the journey continues...
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  #2  
April 30th, 2011, 09:14 AM
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Wish I could stop bleeding...more big clots...
it is like a stab in the gut every time I go to the bathroom...please, just let this end...
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Last edited by fromustobaby; April 30th, 2011 at 04:23 PM.
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  #3  
May 2nd, 2011, 05:31 PM
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Good news of the day: almost NO bleeding today - even after running a few miles!!!

The only thing I have control over right now is myself, so I am going a bit to an extreme...my hubby is a bit freaked out by this, but I explained to him that this is all that I can do to honor our baby - I can get my body as "perfect" as possible so that a bean will have the best chance possible...I ate so horribly with the baby that died, and I will probably regret that for the rest of my life...not saying that something would have been different if I hadnt eaten an extreme amount of cake during the first days after conception...but, in the back of my head, I will always wonder if it may have made a difference...

After reading, re-reading, memorizing that article I linked to on fertility...I've come up with a plan, and so help me, I will follow this until I am pregnant...if I dont, it really says something about me, and the importance of my child to me...so...

The Plan is to clean my body out and get it as ready as possible for pregnancy:
-no sugar
-no sugar-forming products (bread/pasta/etc)
-no wheat
-all dairy is high fat
-as many things as possible are organic
-supplements
-acupuncture 1x/week
-exercise 3days/week

Monday:
Breakfast: 3 egg omlette with spinach and goat cheese
Lunch: Salmon with almonds/blueberries/asparagus
Dinner: grilled veggies, tempeh, and quinoa (nutritional yeast sauce)
Supplements: 15 drops milk thistle/vitex, 1 Geritol Complete, 1 n-acetyl-cysteine
Drink: water, and 1 cup of water/half a lemon
Exercise: 20 minutes cardio

Tuesday:
Breakfast: 3 egg omlette with spinach and goat cheese
Lunch: Spinach/lettuce salad with strawberries/blueberries/avocado/garbanzo beans/almonds (nutritional yeast dressing)
Dinner: Black beans and spinach w/quinoa/goat cheese/guacamole/tomato
Supplements: 15 drops milk thistle/vitex, 1 Geritol Complete, 1 Chlorella
Drink: water, and 1 cup of water/half a lemon

Wednesday:
Breakfast: 3 egg omlette with spinach and goat cheese
Lunch: Oatmeal with blueberries/handful of almonds
Dinner: Zucchini pasta grilled in coconut oil with fresh made tomato marinara
Supplements: 15 drops milk thistle/vitex, 1 Geritol Complete, 1 n-acetyl-cysteine
Drink: water, and 1 cup of water/half a lemon
Exercise: 20 minutes cardio

Thursday:
Breakfast: 3 egg omlette with spinach and goat cheese
Lunch: Spinach/lettuce salad with strawberries/blueberries/avocado/almonds
Dinner: Lentils w/quinoa, yogurt, raisins
Supplements: 15 drops milk thistle/vitex, 1 Geritol Complete, 1 Chlorella
Drink: water, and 1 cup of water/half a lemon

Friday:
Breakfast: 3 egg omlette with spinach and goat cheese
Lunch: Salmon with almonds/blueberries/asparagus/quinoa
Dinner: grilled veggies with quinoa (nutritional yeast sauce)
Supplements: 15 drops milk thistle/vitex, 1 Geritol Complete, 1 n-acetyl-cysteine
Drink: water, and 1 cup of water/half a lemon
Exercise: 20 minutes cardio

Saturday:
Breakfast: Almond meal pancakes with strawberries/blueberries
Lunch: vegetarian chili
Dinner: Black beans and spinach w/quinoa/goat cheese/guacamole/tomato
Supplements: 15 drops milk thistle/vitex, 1 Geritol Complete
Drink: water, and 1 cup of water/half a lemon

Sunday:
Breakfast: 3 egg omlette with spinach and goat cheese
Lunch: Spinach/lettuce salad with strawberries/blueberries/avocado/garbanzo beans/almonds (nutritional yeast sauce)
Dinner: grilled eggplant in coconut oil w/tomato marinara/goat cheese
Supplements: 15 drops milk thistle/vitex, 1 Geritol Complete
Drink: water, and 1 cup of water/half a lemon

Acupuncture starts May 14...am really hoping that I am close to Oing by then - I will be at CD 24 at that point...

I will stop the supplements as soon as I get AF, and only continue the Vitex and Geritol (with lemon water)...
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Last edited by fromustobaby; May 2nd, 2011 at 05:35 PM.
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  #4  
May 3rd, 2011, 09:08 PM
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Talked to the RE, and they want me to wait a few months before coming in...am hoping that with the changes I am making that I will not need to come in at all...but, the nurse was very kind, so kind is always good...

Doing great with no sugar, was starving last night, but made 2 almond flour pancakes tonight (just almond meal, eggs, water, pinch of salt, bit of coconut oil - with no sugar added at all) w/berries on top, and it was perfect, I feel full but "good" physically (as in I got enough food unlike last night)...I need to gain 5 pounds to get to my optimum body weight for pregnancy, so I'm monitoring it as closely as possible...

Random thought - wish the random sales people would stop asking me how I am doing...I usually just answer yea...the poor bag boy at Publix today was trying so hard to cheer me up, and I felt bad that I was feeling bad...but I'm just not ready to answer "great" when they ask - cause I dont feel great

Am modifying the meal plan...
Gonna do 2 egg instead of 3 in the morning...
Gonna do salmon on Wednesday afternoon (same as Monday/Friday)...
Gonna do big salad on Wednesday dinner...
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Last edited by fromustobaby; May 3rd, 2011 at 09:11 PM.
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  #5  
May 4th, 2011, 06:06 PM
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Did the salmon this afternoon and it was just what I needed...then did a 2.5 mile run with the jogging stroller, and then ate 1/4 cup quinoa with garlic/parsley - just perfect nutrition for my body, am very happy about that...

Tonight was huge salad, and if I'm hungry later tonight, I can have oatmeal w/strawberries on top...

So, eating is going well...

Bleeding came back this afternoon - only "light" and maybe it was because I was constantly moving around/jogging, but I am so sick of it...I just really hope that it stops soon...mentally, I need to stop being stabbed in the heart every time I go to the bathroom...

If the "light bleeding" keeps up, I'm gonna call my OB, and try to get in for some HCG blood tests...I've read that 20-30 days is normal to have the HCG come down, I just really want to know where I'm at...limbo land sucks

One funny thing is that I wont be temping for a little bit cause Kaiden took my thermometer yesterday, and I cant find it...silly boy
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  #6  
May 5th, 2011, 08:58 AM
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Barely spotting right now, very excited about this - please oh please let it stop soon!!
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  #7  
May 5th, 2011, 04:42 PM
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Many more pieces of good news:

1. Finally got my internet cheapie HPTs in the mail (I had been using OPKs to test out the HCG which are definitely not as accurate - but it was all I had)...took an HPT and the test line is not even half as dark as the control line...this is very good...I'd estimate that it is as dark as 13-14DPO would be...so maybe around 150-250 HCG? That would be a really good drop in only two weeks...am going to try to hold out for at least a few days until I take another so that I can see the line (hopefully) get lighter...could it be possible that the HCG is going to be gone in a week...I can only hope, but I'm really happy and surprised that the line is so light - hooray!

2. Food was great today, had curried lentils and quinoa with blueberries and yogurt for dinner and Kaiden liked it so much that he wanted more once we had finished (he's NEVER eaten this well in his life - ever!)...anyway, I've found that I eat the menu that I selected, but need a few extra things to get by so that I am not starving...those extras are quinoa (1/4 cup) in the afternoon (it is less than 200 calories) - about 3 hours after I eat lunch...and then either oatmeal or almond flour pancakes w/a few strawberries after dinner to make it through the night...

3. Today I was "better" than I have been in weeks...mentally, I wasn't as sad...I was a bit surprised by this, but grateful to have an easier time making it through the day...

4. I found my BBT, so I can temp again

5. I think I might stop bleeding tomorrow, could it be possible that I wont have to wear a pad by the weekend...oohh!!

6. I have been busy every night getting dolls ready for a doll show I have this weekend (I only do 2 doll shows a year, so its pretty important to my pocketbook), and I've actually been doing it, I only have 3 dolls left to prepare (I've gotten 18 ready so far!), and then they are all ready to go! I'm a big procrastinator, so the fact that I've been actually doing what I say I am going to do - both in the food thing and getting the dolls done, makes me happy!
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  #8  
May 6th, 2011, 08:38 PM
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Made the mistake of taking another HPT and kinda bummed that it was the same darkness as yesterday...I need to space them out more...cause it really made me sad...

But, my doll show is tomorrow, so I get a really good distraction, which is desperately needed...I got everything done which is good also...

Food is still going great, having my menu really prepares me for what I'm going to eat during the day so there are no surprises...making veggie chili right now, gonna just bring it with me and eat it cold, will have to do...it has been 2 weeks with absolutely no refined sugar! I can do this!
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  #9  
May 7th, 2011, 06:55 PM
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My temp was super low this morning - I woke up at 6:15 instead of 6:30, but I dont think that would make that big of a difference...also, for the first time since my nightmare day, I am not spotting or bleeding at all...I really hope that continues, it is nice to not see blood on the toilet paper...took another HPT tonight, and it seemed a bit lighter...also took an OPK, and that one is definitely lighter also...I am positive that there is not much HCG in my system any more and I'm even having some CM...hoping that I can O within the next two weeks, just so I can get this cycle over with...am going to keep temping just to confirm ovulation...

Eating was difficult today, I went to a doll show (by myself - Matt stayed with Kaiden) and was there from (left the house at 6:30am) 9am-4pm (got home at 6pm)...LONG day...had my egg omlette for breakfast, then had veggie chili and an avocado for lunch, but was starving by the time the doll show was over...had almonds in the car and was just scarfing them down...then quinoa and a huge salad when I got home, still hungry, and finally had some veggie chili also which I think filled me...

Doll show was good...now I have some spending money, sold 2 "big dolls", lots of junk dolls that were just taking up space, and I sold out of my books - I had 15 of them with me...which is the best I've ever done with those

The ride down was rough though cause they had about 50 of those..."Did you know that your baby's heart starts beating 18 days after conception?" signs...yea, I did...and I got to see it three times, beating away perfectly, and then it stopped, and it sucks, and I wish it hadnt stopped beating...I know those are meant to deter abortion, and I'm all for that, but it was a stab in the gut to be constantly reminded that my baby's heart isnt beating any more...so, I was a crying mess the entire way down...but, I got it out of my system and was better on the way back...and avoided looking at the signs...

The ladies around me were super nice and they noticed how I was eating (and that I refused a donut, coffee, a cookie, and chocolate that they offered me)...when they asked why I was eating like that, I told them about my loss...they were very sweet, and I dont know if I was inappropriate saying anything, but I'd been talking so much about Kaiden that I felt "good" in acknowledging my other baby as well...

Anyway, it was a long day, Kaiden gave me a huge hug when I came home, and I savored every second of it...I love him so much...
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  #10  
May 8th, 2011, 05:39 PM
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Today was a bad day...

I knew it would be when I felt a bit wet down there and went to the bathroom to discover blood - again...seriously, I NEED to stop bleeding...it just makes everything flood back every single time I go to the bathroom...

Then what really did it was that I called my mom (for Mothers day), who never knew about the pregnancy (we are not the closest, but she is a very good person and very kind) and she was going on and on about their neighbor who is due in December, but since she always delivers early, she will probably deliver around Thanksgiving - MY DUE DATE!! And then spent the next few minutes telling me how there must be something in the water cause everyone is pregnant and due around then...I finally changed the subject but by the time I hung up, I absolutely melted in tears...this should have been ME and my baby

Food is still good, had eggplant parmesan with almond flour instead of bread crumbs - baked not fried...and everybody - even Kaiden - liked it, so that was good...but, just a bit bummed today...
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  #11  
May 9th, 2011, 07:03 PM
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Today was better...

Kaiden was really sweet today, but the boy doesnt let me work out...I got only 15 minutes in, and then they called me back to get him cause he was screaming his head off...after the day I had yesterday, is it selfish to snuggle him a bit extra and just enjoy being needed...

Met up with the wife of a guy that I did physical therapy with (for a broken knee cap)...just happened to see her at the mall play area...I loved the therapy so much, that I ended up doing it for 7 years - training for Ironman/etc, so I knew them well...he and his wife were trying to get pregnant at the time (they are 5 years older than me) and quickly got pregnant with 2 boys (the oldest is 5 the youngest is almost 3)...when we were trying for Kaiden, he was constantly grilling into me that I had to work on my diet in order to get pregnant...I did start doing less sugar in the two months before I got Kaiden, though I'd forgotten about a lot of that...

anyway, turns out that the acupuncture lady that I'm going to works at the same practice, and she had nothing but rave reviews about the acupuncture lady...

That combined with barely any spotting at all today, and some EWCM...AND an HPT with a line that is barely visible (I'm gonna say that it is definitely under 100 at this point)...and an OPK that is barely positive (I took OPKs when I was first pregnant, and would estimate that my OPK was as dark as 12DPO - or when my blood HCG was 69)...and a low BBT (come on estrogen, do your thing!)...makes me feel hopeful today - and I like feeling hopeful

Food was great as always...
Am going to do a bit less dairy - just one serving a day instead of as many servings as I could eat (one is all that is needed to help fertility)...I read that it can make CM thick if you have a lot, and I dont want that...and I had really bad nasal congestion this morning and am wondering if that may have been caused by the ton of dairy I had yesterday...man, I need a life!
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  #12  
May 9th, 2011, 07:29 PM
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I'm glad the bleeding has stopped. (((HUGS)))
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  #13  
May 10th, 2011, 06:01 PM
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thanks Judy...me too...

Food still doing well, I'm loving knowing what I'm going to eat every day, and we are saving our receipts to see how much we are spending...its pretty crazy, even though we are eating almost completely organic and tons of fruit and veggies, its only costing $150/week (for all three meals every day and snacks for all 3 of us)...we are saving a TON of money, we had been eating out at restaurants 3times/week (like $30/meal), and eating out fast food (like $15 each time) every other meal (except for breakfast which we did usually eat at home) - otherwise, we never ate in...

anyway, tiniest bit of spotting, almost nothing...
some EWCM, which was weird...but hopeful...
temp is still super low - hooray for estrogen!
Today for the first time, my OPK was negative, a great sign that my HCG is getting lower...AND, it means that when I do O, I will know that I am Oing...

Its been almost 3 weeks...my acupuncture is only 4 days away and I'm really excited about it...so, a good day...

ANd, I finally emailed my mom...and told her what was going on...she wrote back and I could tell that she was sad, but at least she knows and words wont hurt accidently from now on...it might also mean that she will be excited next time we get pregnant - when we got pregnant with Kaiden, she was just like, oh yea, everyone is pregnant, let me talk about my neighbor...yea, so its good to have that out in the open...
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  #14  
May 11th, 2011, 05:16 PM
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I'm kind of confused right now...
My HPT is very close to negative...I think it is around 50 HCG or so just based on line darkness?

However, yesterday my OPK was negative - but barely negative (test line was almost as dark as control, but it was close)...today, it seems positive, but not blaringly positive...usually my OPKs are very clear, but because I still have HCG is in my system, it isnt clear at all (luckily we are preventing or I would really be going crazy)...guess I'll just see what happens from here...

UPDATED TO ADD: I think the ones I took today just had more dye in them then the ones from the last few days...I dont think they are positive cause my CM is EW, but not excessive like it usually is right before O...my guess is that O is at least a week away

Today was a really nice day...
Had a great time at playgroup (I love my playgroup girls!)...
Kaiden had an almost 3 hour nap, so I got lots of me time, got laundry done, packed all Matts boxes and even did the dishes!
When we woke up, he was in a good mood (we were going to go blueberry picking but it was 100 degrees so that will have to wait till tomorrow)...
Picked up daddy, great dinner, and he went to bed perfectly

Oh, and blueberry picking tomorrow at 9am with my playgroup peeps!!

Oh thing I'm nervous about is that hubbys mom is coming over tomorrow, I'm not really in the mood, when she comes over, I have to act very happy cause she is always depressed and thinks the worst about things, and though I'm better than I was, I'm not my normal self yet...but it is what it is...sigh...

I cant believe how easy all the food restrictions have been for me, just to give you an idea, I dont think I had gone one day (literally - not one day) without SOMETHING sugary in the last 3 years...seriously! And, I havent had any sugar whatsoever in 3 weeks...and I dont even miss it, isnt that weird, I've craved it for so long...just shows that sometimes things are more important than sugar...I'm glad that baby is more important!

Oh, and my acupuncture is rescheduled for 2pm instead of 4pm - and we had a nice talk today also, and I think she is going to spend a ton of time with me, so excited about it!
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Last edited by fromustobaby; May 11th, 2011 at 05:51 PM.
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  #15  
May 12th, 2011, 06:19 PM
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I think those OPKs from a few days ago just didnt have much dye in them, I dont have enough EWCM to be Oing soon...I admit, I'm getting impatient...I just so desperately want to put this cycle behind me, this cycle is all about the past, and I want to look to the future...

Today was busy, went to the blueberry farm ($1/pound organic blueberries, cant beat that!), then my MIL came over (and wanted me to share a whole lot more than what I wanted to share about my loss - I know you are curious, but seriously, I just dont want to talk about it with her!)...I do like that this week has absolutely flown by, though I cant get out of my mind that I would have been 12 weeks along, almost out of the first trimester, and I would have been able to hear a beating heart on my doppler - and thinking about how wonderful that would have been...

But, only 2 days till acupuncture, so that is exciting...

And food is still going great, so that is positive also...just hope that it helps making my cycles shorter...I'm gonna have a really hard time dealing with it if my cycles going back to the 45-70 day length that they had been before Kaiden...
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  #16  
May 13th, 2011, 05:26 PM
fromustobaby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I have had EWCM the last few days...but not a lot...I'm still having close to + OPKs, but my HPTs are almost negative (like what they would be at 10-11DPO - super light, I'd guess that my HCG is between 25-50)...my temps are very low like they are right before O...

I really just dont know what is going on...I hate not knowing what is going on...
I'd love if my temps went up tomorrow, but I just have no idea...
My guess is that I havent Oed yet (or should I say, myguess is that I'm not in the process of Oing yet) - but I'm glad that the HPT has gotten significantly lighter than it was 2 days ago, it is SO close to being gone...

Food was great today...but Kaiden didnt have a good nap, and then decided that he didnt want dinner - at all - so that was frustrating...anyway...

Tomorrow should be a good day, didnt exercise today cause we have a 5K tomorrow morning, then I have acupuncture at 2pm, which I am SO excited about!! and the weekend always goes by fast...on Thursday, it will be 4 weeks

I am at least grateful that the time is passing quickly...
hoping that this cycle is over soon...
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  #17  
May 14th, 2011, 05:27 PM
fromustobaby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Got groceries for this coming week (cause I needed 2 more eggs than we had for dinner tonight), and we were trying to go under $100...Matt decided to get these Wheat Thin crackers cause they were on sale...so, it ended up costing $101.20...SO CLOSE! Maybe next week...

Anyway, today was nice cause it went by super fast...
Had a 5K run for lung cancer that my neighbor organized - she got diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer last year (even though she never smoked)...and this year, she ran the race - isnt she amazing! Anyway, Kaiden fell asleep during the race, and we had a good time (and I got my workout in)...

Hung around for a while cause Matt won the race (he always wins) and he got a $50 gift certificate to a sports store in town, so he was in a good mood...

Then, it started POURING down rainwhen we got home - so crazy that it was raining through our patio screen...and Kaiden ran arond in it (he was in the patio just splashing around in the puddles) - he had so much fun!

My acupuncture was at 2pm, so, we put Kaiden down at 1:30...and Matt started working on his toy stuff...and I went to acupuncture...

I LOVED the lady, the only thing weird was that she said that it would take 6 months to work? and wondered if I could wait that long - I think she was saying waiting that long to try?...I refuse to wait that long to try...refuse, and told her that...didnt like that (she realized that I'd never go for that once she started talking to me I think)...but she was very kind, asked a million questions, and took a ton of notes - I wish doctors spent that much time with a patient...I was there for almost 2 hours...I hope it works faster than 6 months - that doesnt make any sense since eggs regenerate in 3 months...anyway, I didnt do any treatment today, but will start it next Saturday at noon (hooray, another week to look forward to!)...but, at the end she said that she doesnt think my body is too messed up and that we should work well together...good good!

Came back and Kaiden was still asleep - till 4:30...that boy must have been tired! Had to get groceries, and then we played for a while, and then he went to sleep - it really was a nice day!

Food was great - today was omlette, then veggie chili w/1/2 avocado for lunch, and then almond meal pancakes (no sweetener at all) with blueberries and strawberries...Kaiden was weird about the chili (he would only eat it if we stuck it on his tray, he wouldnt eat it off the spoon, but he loved the pancakes/berries - ate a whole pancake

I got another + OPK today (negative yesterday), but it wasnt super positive, so maybe it would have been 1/2 positive but since I still have a bit of HCG, it was actually positive??and had a decent amount of CM, it is creamy but stretchy...like EW, but a bit too creamy to be really good...IDK what is going on with my cycle...I'm still going with I am gearing up to O, but not there yet, cause I'd expect more CM...temping will make it clear, I'm guessing in about a week...just giving my body a bit more time to be healthy and get that healthy egg growing for next cycle!
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  #18  
May 15th, 2011, 06:38 PM
fromustobaby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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It's gone...my HCG line, that is...I'm surprised at how emotional I am about it - it took a long time to go down, and I'm thankful that my body has returned to "normal", but I miss that last remaining reminder of my baby...I miss it so much...

Other than that, today was a nice day...
We went blueberry picking in the morning - and got 6 more pounds (oh my goodness, that is a LOT of blueberries!)...

Then, Kaiden's nap, and I stuffed myself to the gills on quinoa and salad because we were heading off to a birthday party with tons of cake...

The birthday party was fun - it was a "dino dig" theme...lots of dirt which made Kaiden happy...and I did not eat one thing - not one! To give you an idea of how dirty he was:


Made eggplant parmesan with tons of veggies, and very little cheese when I got home, and I thought it was terrific, but Kaiden wouldn't eat - again...I dont know what is going on with him, maybe he is teething? maybe he just had a tummy ache cause he had some cake? I dont know...I even made him his favorite, beans and rice, just to try to get him to eat something, but again, he barely ate anything...boo!

Fertility wise, I'm just so impatient right now...I have not Oed yet, even though my OPKs have gotten really close to positive the last two days (dont know why that is since the HCG is gone?)...maybe I am soon, but if so, it is not a strong ovulation, cause I've had some CM, but not much and it has been creamy/EW, not just EW...blah...I'm overthinking that...

trying to be positive, hooray for no spotting and a negative HPT...
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  #19  
May 16th, 2011, 08:54 AM
fromustobaby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Posts: 8,575
i think i OEd ayesterday ...i am happy about this...thias is the earliest i Oed unmedicated in years...i am thankful for that...

one thing that stinks, my stupidcomputer broke yesterday...and typing on the ipad is hard, so updates will be short until i get my computer back...

i thinkthis O was weak based on opks and cm...am hoping next month when we are trying is much stronger, but one thing that is really exciting...if i have a 10 day lp...i should start af on may 26...the same day that i started on my wonderful kaiden cycle...thinkinggood thoughts...
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  #20  
May 16th, 2011, 04:43 PM
KaiyaRae'sMomma's Avatar Forever missing Kaiya Rae
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,840
Oh Tanya,
I was so sad to see your name here when I joined this group. I'm sad for all the ladies of course, but especially for those who I recognize. I don't know if you remember me, but I remember stalking your journal when you conceived Kaiden and had just recently seen a post somewhere about you being pregnant with a second. I am so very sorry for your loss, and so very sorry we must meet again here! Thoughts and prayers are with you.
Andrea
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