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Becky's TTCAL Journal (PG and Loss Mentioned)


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  #1  
September 16th, 2011, 12:52 PM
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So the 2WW to O thread was starting to turn into my journal anyway, so I figured I'd just make it official...

So my story:

In July of 2010 I moved from Salt Lake City, UT, to Bozeman, MT, to get away from a really bad situation. I had been in an abusive relationship with a person that I was also running a company with and things got very bad. I was in the worst place I'd ever been...

In Bozeman I found a great job, made wonderful new friends and basically started my life over again. In December I met a wonderful man and we moved in together in March. We started talking about the future and we knew that we would eventually get married and have kids. In late April of 2011 we took a lovely vacation in Hawaii.

May 16 and AF was due but there was no sign of her. Instead I was feeling tired and nauseated and had sore boobs. I didn't think too much of it - we'd been preventing and had thought we'd give ourselves a year before we really thought about a baby. May 20 and still no AF so I decided to break down and take a test. That second line just about popped off the stick at me! I freaked out a bit - I didn't know how Adam would react to this happening so soon, our relationship, while great, was still very new, and I cried for a bit because I was instantly terrified.

But he was reassuring and calm about it and we talked and made plans and very, very soon we were both incredibly excited about the idea of this baby. We bought all the baby books and found a midwife that we loved. Our little bean was due at the end of January 2012 and we couldn't wait!

I was nauseated pretty constantly from week 3. I was so tired and my body quickly started making room for our bean, even though I gained very little weight. At almost 7 weeks we had an ultrasound and heard a heartbeat of 139 bpm and saw our little blob!

The morning that I was 8 weeks I woke up feeling much better, almost like my symptoms had gone away. I didn't worry about it too much, I'd read that symptoms could come and go and that everyone is different. But it did increase the somewhat uneasy feeling that I'd had almost from the beginning. And I felt that I wasn't as emotionally attached as I expected to be. But for all I knew everything was fine. My midwife said not to worry and reminded me that we'd heard the heartbeat and that it was natural to feel a little uneasy.

Just before I was 11 weeks I started bleeding. At first it was only a little brown blood. But after a day of that I knew that I needed to make sure that everything was alright. So we decided to go in for a quick u/s. The morning before the u/s my bleeding got much worse. And I knew something was not right. At the clinic the NP searched around and showed us what she was seeing - a sac that measured more like 8 weeks than 11 weeks, with an embryo that hadn't grown and no heartbeat. She left us alone for a bit after giving us the news and we held each other and cried.

I talked to my midwife and decided to try and let things happen naturally over the next few days I stayed in bed while the bleeding and cramping got worse and worse. Then, on the day that I would have been 11 weeks and 2 days, I woke up to what I knew instantly were contractions. I'd never felt them before but there was no mistaking them. For about five hours I had contractions that got stronger and stronger and came about every three minutes. At the end I was kneeling at the couch, rocking my hips and moaning while Adam rubbed my lower back. I cried and cursed a little, knowing that I was going through labor but without the healthy little bean to look forward to.

At some point I asked Adam to get me a glass of wine. Then suddenly the contractions stopped. I had about 45 minutes that I later recognized as the transition, but at the time it was just relief to be able to lie still and rest. Then they started up again, but much stronger. I asked Adam to draw me a bath and we moved in there for about another hour of contractions. Then I felt kind of a pop and I passed my little bean. For the zillionth time that week we held each other and cried.

I hated losing that baby and losing everything that we had been looking forward to and hoping for. I know that I'll always wonder what might have been. But I got a lot from the experience as well... I know without a doubt that I can count on Adam and that he's going to be there taking care of me. I know that I'll be able to have the birth that I want and that I can trust my body. I know without question that I want a baby and that I'll do whatever I have to to get him/her. I know that I have an amazing support system of friends and family that will be there for me no matter what.

So now we move on.... Adam proposed to me on September 3 and we're planning to get married on February 19. We're also now actively trying to conceive. I'm on my third cycle since the m/c and have been trying to do everything that I can to improve our chances. I'm hoping that it won't be long before we get our sticky little bean.
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  #2  
September 16th, 2011, 12:58 PM
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So today is CD 8....

Last night we ended up staying up talking and sharing a bottle of wine. It was a really nice night, but I think the alcohol was a little too close to bedtime and it affected my sleep. Yet another night of waking up every hour or two and not really getting rested. So new thing is no alcohol for me after 10 pm. I really enjoy my wine or beer so I'm letting myself have a little while I'm in the 2WW to O. I also allow myself one cup of coffee at work each morning. Then after I O I cut off both of those things until AF shows again.

So right now I'm taking a daily prenatal vitamin (half in the morning and half at night), a B-Complex supplement with extra folic acid and calcium (again, half in the morning and half at night) and a baby aspirin every night. The aspirin is because I wanted to... I've been checked for clotting disorders and they haven't found any, but I had a clot in my leg about five years ago that they never found the cause of, so I'm just being proactive. I've also been temping each morning and using OPKs. The temping is hard because I'm kind of all over the place. I think that my weird sleep is affecting my temps so I'm trying to figure that out too. I also am going to start doing some more strenuous exercise. I think that our nightly walks just aren't quite enough activity and I need to tire myself out some more. So to the gym I go!
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  #3  
September 17th, 2011, 05:37 PM
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CD 9...

I'm feeling pretty good about things this cycle. My temps seem to be a little less erratic and I just am feeling healthier overall. It also helps that I have so much else going on that I don't have time to obsess too much!

Adam's sister had been living with us and she moved out over Labor Day. Yay! I was so excited to have the house to ourselves and to start on some of the redecorating that I've been waiting to do. We had a week before Adam's friend called and asked if he could crash with us for a while because he was splitting from his long time, live in girlfriend. So we had a week! I'm okay with it for now though because I really like the guy and I know he won't take advantage. Very temporary...

Of course now I also have to deal with the fact that my Mom has decided to move here. She'll be here in two weeks and I kind of have to make sure I have a place for her to stay and get it furnished, etc. I think I've got one that will work great but that's going to be a lot of work in the next month.

Not forgetting of course that I have a wedding to plan by February!

So life is crazy! But good crazy... I can't wait to add the craziness of a newborn to the mix! CM is starting to be more watery and stretchy so I'm really hoping that I O sooner this cycle. CD 14 or 15 would be great!
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  #4  
September 18th, 2011, 04:59 PM
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CD 10.....

So mad at myself today! Last night we had people over, and we have this indefinite houseguest (who, likeable or not is getting tiresome! I was soooo looking forward to having our own space for a while and now he's started rearranging things in my kitchen and I just want to scream!!) so I went to bed late. Which of course translated to temping at a weird time. And then - I get up to use the bathroom in the morning. For three months now I've been using FMU for OPKs and the first thing I do is pull out my little pee cup and tube of sticks. But this morning, no. I just peed! What was I thinking?!!??! So no OPK for today. And of course not only am I seeing EWCM, but Adam has been all over me the last 24 hours! It's not really a big deal... it's awfully early for me to O and even if I did I think we've got the BDing covered! It just was so weird to me that I didn't even think of it...
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  #5  
September 19th, 2011, 11:41 AM
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CD 11...

Not feeling great today. Kind of gripey and crampy. Neg OPK this morning (I remembered), but had another late night and didn't temp before I got out of bed... I don't know if I'm having some kind of block to all the TTC stuff or if I'm just extra spacey the last few days or what!

Nothing really new to report today... just waiting to O! Hoping it happens in the next few days... Funny how I'm also checking pretty often to see when the June DDC goes up!
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  #6  
September 20th, 2011, 10:28 AM
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CD 12...

So this morning's OPK was really dark. Not quite as dark as the control line but really close. I'm not sure if I should consider it a pos or just wait and see what happens tomorrow. I think that for now I'll leave it as neg...

So last cycle I O'd on CD 19 and it looks like this cycle it will be CD 14. Which is great, as long as my LP is a little longer too. Fortunately I don't have to work too hard to make sure we get enough BDing in. We're still like rabbits! LOL I'm lucky I suppose because DF thinks that "baby making sex" is really hot...

If this cycle works my EDD will be smack dab in the center of June. And the end of my first trimester would be my birthday. What a gift that would be...

PM Update:

So feeling a little crampy again today. Lots of CM... Got a call from my little sister this morning saying that they might be coming through town in a couple weeks and they'd stay with us. So love that idea.... she and her husband haven't met Adam yet and I haven't seen my niece since right after she was born. I hate not being a bigger part of her life.

Oh and the June DDC is up! Here's hoping that I get to join in a couple of weeks!!!
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Last edited by BeckyBozeman; September 20th, 2011 at 01:49 PM.
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  #7  
September 21st, 2011, 08:11 PM
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CD 13...

So I'm pretty sure that I O'd today... I think that my OPKs from yesterday and today were positive. I'm anxious to see what my temp does and if the OPK is still positive tomorrow. I've been having this weird pulling sensation in my lower abdomen that I don't remember ever having before... It started about half an hour ago.

Still feeling good about this cycle. Or at least like I've done everything that I can and it's out of my hands. BDing is never a problem, but I made sure to get some this morning and I will tomorrow morning too. I'm Oing earlier this cycle, and I don't know if that's attributable to more normalization after my m/c or the B vitamins I've been taking or what. But as long as I have a nice long LP I'll be pretty happy about it.

Would so love to catch this eggie... I'm going to be 37 in December and that number is starting to freak me out a little. Plus I'd love to not be preggers in the summer! Who am I kidding... I'll be happy whenever I get it but I soooo want it very, very soon!!
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  #8  
September 22nd, 2011, 02:07 PM
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CD 14....

So I lied... my OPKs from yesterday and the day before weren't positive because today's was glaringly so and I can completely see the difference! Last cycle was the first time I ever got a pos OPK and they went right from obviously neg to obviously pos. The last two days were so close but today's cannot be argued with.

So I'm guessing that means I'll O tonight or tomorrow. I'm going to totally jump Adam when I get home from work!

Still having that weird pulling/full sensation in my lower abdomen. And I've been really emotional the last couple of days. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that all of this, plus the obviously more LH means more hormones and that will equal all kinds of goodness. If I O tomorrow I'm going to try to hold out until 12 DPO before I test... that will be October 5.
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  #9  
September 23rd, 2011, 10:25 AM
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CD 15....

So negative OPK this morning and my temp spiked. I'm pretty sure that I O'd yesterday! That puts 12 DPO at October 4... I wonder if I'll be able to hold out? lol

This is the nice calm part of the cycle. Until about 8 DPO there's nothing I can even think about doing so I can try to relax. I'm sure that I'll obsess over any little symptom, but life is too busy to spend too much time on it right now.

The 2WW begins...
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  #10  
September 24th, 2011, 11:00 AM
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CD 16...

Still no crosshairs on FF but my temp is climbing. I'm still having a ton of CM, which is weird. I've been drying up pretty quick after I O... a good sign maybe?

Adam was so funny last night... he asked if we needed to DTD. I said that we could but that I was pretty sure the fertile window had come and gone and we were covered. He acted all disappointed and I said that we could still have some fun and he said that it wasn't going to be as hot, that I shouldn't have told him!
I so love that he's as in to this as I am... and I feel so lucky that I've finally gotten to the place in my life, and with the person, that I can make having a family a priority. Last year I was starting to think that it was never going to happen!

Having a really bad headache today.... usually when I have one there's a reason. I just have no clue why I have this one. Popped a couple tylenol and I'm thinking about having a small cup of coffee. The caffeine usually really helps me. I'd sworn off for the 2WW though... maybe a cola?
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Last edited by BeckyBozeman; September 24th, 2011 at 01:41 PM.
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  #11  
September 25th, 2011, 11:12 AM
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So CD 17...

And 3 DPO! FF and I agree yet again... lol... and I got cross hairs! So I just keep waiting. I think we have a pretty good shot this cycle. I feel like we did everything we could so if there's no BFP it was probably just not meant to be.

I know that the next week is gonna go by no matter how anxious I am, the trick is just to keep otherwise occupied so that I don't obsess and so it doesn't seem like so much is hanging on the outcome of one dumb little pee stick!

PM Update: Or AM I guess... it's 2:00 am and I haven't been able to go to sleep yet. I feel tired, but my brain is whirring. Adam went to bed about an hour ago and I'll be following him shortly. Just wanted to record a few things. Number one being that I am ridiculously gassy and bloated! I had a little bit of soda in the early part of the day, but nothing I've eaten or drunk would justify how my stomach has felt all evening! And I ate not much all day and felt so full! Blech! It's way too early for me to be having symptoms, but I'm already working myself up. One thing I learned from my last pregnancy is that I'm generally really in tune with my body and I need to trust that. Other things I've noticed in the last couple of days - I've had headaches that I can't pinpoint a cause for. I've been tired, had a nap this afternoon, which I rarely do. The gassiness and bloatiness. I noticed this afternoon (TMI) when we were fooling around that my nipples were a little tender. There are a few others but I think those could easily be my imagination.

So all in all feeling pretty hopeful and trying to remember that I've done all I can and now it will happen when it's supposed to. It's just so hard to be patient...
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Last edited by BeckyBozeman; September 26th, 2011 at 02:14 AM.
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  #12  
September 27th, 2011, 03:53 PM
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CD 19....

5 DPO. I'm trying really hard to not get my hopes up right now. Today I've been feeling crampy and a little, nauseated, plus the gassiness and bloatiness just won't go away! I wanted to do something for it last night because it was seriously hurting me, but all I had was Pepto and there's aspirin in that so I didn't want to take it. It does feel better in the morning and gradually gets worse as the day progresses. And I've been having that "full" feeling that I remember from being pregnant. I was just getting rid of that part when I lost the baby. But that's how I feel right now... so full! And it doesn't seem to matter what I've eaten or had to drink. Addition: I also seem to be peeing about every hour!

I'm being extra good... I cut out the coffee and alcohol when I O'd. I've been taking my vitamins and baby aspirin religiously. I've been trying really hard to eat only good stuff and drink lots of water. It's hard though because I feel almost PMS-y - I want to eat french fries!! They're always a weakness of mine but I want some so bad that I'm considering walking across the street to Wendy's just to get some. The salad I had for lunch just isn't doing it for the munchies!

It's funny, but thinking that it might be a real possibility this time has brought up some feelings. I'm a lot more scared than I want to admit to myself or to anyone else. Losing that first baby was so stinking hard. And getting to know all of these ladies has been great in so many ways, but I feel like I know of so many more ways for things to go wrong now. There are so many different kinds of pain on a board like this and I've only experienced one of them. How do I go into a pregnancy knowing that? I want the innocence that I had the first time back! I want to be able to just be excited and happy and make plans. I don't want to constantly be wondering when the other shoe is going to drop, what's going to go wrong this time, maybe I just don't ever get to be a mom...

I'm sure that everyone that's ever had a loss and kept trying to get pregnant has had these thoughts and these fears. And that's what I'm counting on. I love the idea of being able to go the PAL board and completely freak out and know that they'll understand and talk me through it. And hopefully, someday soon, I'll be able to be the one posting about my Rainbow baby and giving others hope.
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Last edited by BeckyBozeman; September 27th, 2011 at 04:26 PM.
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  #13  
September 28th, 2011, 03:05 PM
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CD 20... 6 DPO...

So not much happening today. I woke up up feeling really hungry and a little nauseated again. No other real symptoms today, aside from that full feeling. I didn't eat breakfast and when I finally got a chance to have lunch I scarfed a big BLT with pesto, chips, a pickle and some milk. Now I'm afraid I'll be suffering the rest of the day. The pain has started already.

My temp kept going up this morning, which I didn't really expect because I had another night of waking up a lot. I only have one test at home, so I'm dying wanting to pee on it! So far I've left it alone but I don't know how much longer that will last.

My family is all coming to town this weekend and Adam's folks are coming on Sunday and we're having a big family dinner. That will be 10 DPO so there's a possibility I could get a BFP by then... but we haven't decided if we should tell everyone then if we do. I'd love to be able to surprise them with it, but it would be so early. I don't know... guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it!
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  #14  
September 29th, 2011, 04:58 PM
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CD 21... 7 DPO...

Ugh... I better be pregnant or I'm going to be really pissed off about how nauseated I am... I'm sitting here trying not to gag in my office. All day today's it's been kind of like it was when I was pregnant - if I eat something about every hour or two the nausea goes away. Blech... And I've been SO irritable all week! The other night I was feeling snappish and had to bite my tongue not to be witchy with Adam over something really stupid, which is not something that's ever a problem.

My temp dipped a little this morning. Implantation dip? maybe? Hopefully...
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  #15  
September 30th, 2011, 12:05 PM
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CD 22... 8 DPO...

Soooo very hard not to test this morning! Symptoms are all the same, maybe getting a little stronger. Plus I was really weepy last night and I noticed this morning that I'm kind of sore in my armpits.

I realize that I'm already thinking that this is it and I'm probably going to be pretty upset if it turns out that I'm not really pregnant. Adam is seeing my obsessive side in full force and, while I think he understands to some extent, I also think that it's not a really attractive side of me. He did say that he knows I'm really invested in this and that's why I'm being this way. But I worry about it as a long term thing for us.

And I'm just not a very patient person when it comes to this type of thing....
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