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I started reading these journals last night and it made me feel so much better. I thought it might be cathardic for me to start my own. Here is my story:
DH and I met in 2007 and were married in late 2009. Our plan was to start trying summer of 2011 but when the time came DH still wasnt ready so we decided to take a trip out of the country at the end of the year to kick off the "start" of TTC. All throughout 2011 though we did not prevent and every month I hoped for a baby....but no dice. In January 2012 I pulled out all the stops, temping, charting, opk's, preseed....I want this baby, bad! Sure enough, at 12DPO a faint, 2nd, pink line!!! I was so excited I couldnt contain myself. DH thought it was too faint and told me not to get my hopes up. We waited a few days and after a positive on the digi, told my parents. We took them to dinner and had the waiter bring out a platter with two pacifiers and some baby food. My due date was October 4. My mom cried and my dad was so excited. This is their first grandchild. We made plans to drive down to DH's parents (a few hours a way) the following weekend to surprise them. The day before we were supposed to leave I took a digi test to show his mom, and wham, "Not pregnant". We rushed to the doctor who was a huge jerk and told me I was probably never pregnant. I started my period a few hours later. It was a chemical. I was crushed and spent the whole weekend crying in bed. I took that time to mourn, and then I grieved by not thinking about it again and telling myself it wasnt meant to be.
The doctor said it was just like a regular period and that TTC right away was totally fine. Dejected I didn't feel like doing anything. It was now february 2012 DH was traveling for work duing my "fertile" time. I really didnt feel like trying so I did nothing. No preseed, no prentals, nothing. A few days before AF was scheduled to start we had a huge family party at a mexican restaurant so I decided to test just in case I shouldnt be drinking. BFN, not a suprise to me, I knew this month was out. I got totally hammered at the party and had a blast. Fast Forward a few days, AF is now 2 days late. I normally would have tested 5 million times but I was sick of being let down. My best friend convinced me to test and there it was. That beautiful pink line staring back at me. I suprised DH with the test and he was so shocked he just kept saying "but i was gone, how did this happen". I was elated. This was it!!! I loved my new Due Date of 11-2-2012. The tests continued to get darker and a chemical was ruled out! I switched doctors because of my bad experience during the chemical. I called and they said that there was no risk of MC because of my chemical and to come in around 6 weeks. I was deathly afraid I wouldnt see a hearbeat so I pushed the appt. out to my 7W6D mark. By almost 8 weeks I knew I should see something!
It seemed like an eternity waiting for March 22. Finally the day arrived and I was more excited than I'd ever been. Of course the new doctor is running behind, but finally they get me in there. I can't see the screen because it's not facing me and nobody is saying anything. I kept waiting for them to show me the "flicker". The doctor says to me " I see an early gestational sac in utero". I'm like "Ok, and!?" I asked if there was a heartbeat. She had a very confused look on her face and said "it's really faint". Both DH and I, to this day, we are not sure if there actually was one or not. I held it together during the appointment. She kept telling me that I may just be earlier than I thought. They did some bloodwork and told me to come back in 2 weeks. I will never forget the feeling I had in my gut, something wasnt right. There is no way my dates are 2 weeks off. I knew. I just knew. I lost it in the car. My biggest fear was not seeing a heartbeat, I couldnt believe this was happening to me. I called my mom in hysterics. She told me to relax and I was just earlier than I thought. After all we werent trying this month and DH was gone. I probably ovulated the following week and thats whats causing the issue. Even though I knew the u/s was bad....everyone convinced me to wait it out. After a few days I was convinced things were fine and I'd just over reacted.
I went back to the doctor 2 days later for a repeat beta draw and they told me they were doing an ultrasound, that day. Totally sprang it on me. I was a alone but I thought that maybe I'd get good news so I did it. It was a different doctor at the same practice and her words still ring in my ears "definitely no heartbeat". They way she said it was so ******. Like, oh, this baby is obviously dead. They told me my options. I left furious and upset. How the hell did I go from having a follow up appointment TWO WEEKS later to them telling me its a definite miscarriage in a matter of 3 days!? I kept thinking what if I abort this baby? I havent given it enough time...its only been 3 days, they cant know for sure. I decided to wait a few weeks and go see my old practice for a second opinion. Instead of a doctor I scheduled time with a midwife who works out of their office. It's early April now, and I go in for the appointment. Honestly at this point I'm just expecting the worst. The tech messes around in there for what seems like forever. Its been 2 weeks and what I'm looking on the screen looks exactly the same so I pretty much know whats coming. They told us nothing and we just waited for the midwife to come in and go over the results. I remember telling DH in the waiting room that I wanted to get sushi and wine when we left.
Anyway she comes in and tells me that there is no heartbeat, but thats common with twins. What?! Twins!? She said it so matter of fact. She said they are probably behind, and to come back in 2 weeks, but Twin A is looking really good. Totally on par for where it should be. I asked for pictures but they wouldnt give me any....they said there were none. It was the most confusing day of my life. 2 more weeks, still no heartbeat, but now I have to process the fact that there are 2 babies. In a certain sense, it gave me double the hope. I wanted them both badly but I prayed that at least one would survive. I get a phone call a few day later saying "wow your numbers are really high, at this point they are 38,000....and that I should come back sooner than 2 weeks. I coudlnt believe my ears. I refused and said I wanted to wait the 2 weeks. I waited and it was April 17 when I went in again. That wasn't even the worst day for me. In my heart I knew, but I had just willed myself into hoping for a miracle. The second they inserted the probe and I saw the image on the screen, I knew. It had not changed in a month. I scheduled the D&C for April 19.
I hated that day. I felt like a piece of meat. I won't even go into detail about it. I just remember DH planning a little getaway for us. That weekend we went hiking and stayed in a beautiful lodge. I cried and we just talked it out. My birthday came and I think that was the worst day for me. It was about a week after the D&C. I was turning 29 and I thought I'd have a baby before 30. Not being pregnant on that day was heartbreaking. During all this chaos, my brother was in intensive care in the hospital. I felt like my family couldnt get a break. I knew my mom was on the verge of a breakdown, here only 2 kids both struggling at the same time. My brother being so sick kind of took the focus of my D&C and I stayed with him in the hospital for a few days.
After my brother was released and it had been a few weeks I started feeling a little better about things. DH and I offered on a house, and went under contract. I had new things to look forward to. There was ALOT happening in life, it was a nice distraction. It was such a hard month for me though...not getting a period, not knowing when it would show up. My period finally came this weekend (may 27). It was totally out of the blue. Bam it was here. I'm on day 4 now and started to look forward to trying again. That, is where my story ends......
I'm waiting to TTC my first cycle after back to back losses. Because I got pregnant right away, I feel so much pressure to get pregnant this month. I'm trying to tell myself that it might not happen, and not to get my hopes up. But we all know that is nearly impossible. Timing is a little nutty this summer, with DH and I both traveling for work and us moving in with my parents for a month, while we wait to close on our new house. I don't know what the future will bring but it's hard not to think, every second of everyday, how badly I want this baby.