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Lindsey's TTCAL Journey


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  #1  
January 9th, 2013, 11:00 AM
MoonAngel702's Avatar ~Staying Positive~
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I don't even know where to start with this journal. I decided that I needed a place where I can come to and share what I have been going through and a place where I can vent. So here it is!

So I guess let's start from the beginning. My name is Lindsey and my DH's name is Chad. We have been together for over 7 years and married for almost 2. It's been almost 2 years since we started TTC our first. We got pregnant with the cycle starting in January 2012 and we were due in October 2012. We sadly lost our first little boy at almost 22 weeks due to a chronic placental abruption and PPROM. On June 8, 2012, our baby boy was born sleeping and was tiny but BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT. He weighed 1 lb. 3 oz and was 11 1/2 in. long. So incredibly heartbreaking. I can't even describe the pain I felt in those days leading up to the loss, the day of, and the days that followed. I wish nobody would EVER have to endure pain like that.

After the loss, I had tests done (the entire thrombophilia panel) and no blood clotting disorders were found. I was told nothing caused the loss to happen. It was most likely because the placenta was over my cervix (Previa) and it caused issues at major growth times in the pregnancy. The bleeding basically caused my water to rupture, and I just wasn't far enough along where poor little Cade could be saved I was told this only happens in 1% of pregnancies and did not happen because something is wrong with me and it would most likely never happen again. This is the only reason I agreed that we would TTC again.

In August/September 2012 we decided we would try again once we got the green light from the doctor. On our 5th cycle after the loss, we found out on Thanksgiving that we were expecting #2. We were beyond thrilled. That day was amazing. But then I woke up the next day, and realized my test didn't look darker so I started to get nervous. 2 days later, on Saturday, I noticed some really really light brown/pink spotting. It was so faint and slightly mixed in with cervical fluid. I was trying to get in with a new doctor for betas to be done but it took until the following Thursday, November 29th, to get it done. On the 30th, the doctor called and said my beta was 325 and my progesterone was low, at only 10. He started me on progesterone supplement that night. The spotting stopped for a day and on Sunday that weekend I had a bunch of brown discharge. Again, I was nervous. I had a bad feeling. Monday, I called the doctor to see if I could get my betas rechecked because of this bad feeling. Right before I went in for that, I started bleeding. It was what I would consider a light flow. I broke down in tears. I just knew in my heart something wasn't right. I went in, got the beta done, and just cried almost the entire day waiting for the results.

The next morning, on Tuesday, I was 5 weeks 1 day and had a little bit of a heavier bleeding, like a medium flow. I just knew something was wrong with the pregnancy. I ended up at the ER and was told my beta was at 800 and they couldn't see sac in my uterus. I went home and waited for the nurse to call me with my beta from the day before. Later that day, she told me that my beta from Monday 12/4 was 1500. So it had dropped almost in half in one day. I was devastated but already knew it was over because of the bleeding.

I went in on Thursday 12/6 to recheck my beta hCG again and found out the following week it was 617. I had a doctor's appt on 12/11 and did not have my beta checked that week. The bleeding seemed like it was slowing down so I took a pregnancy test on 12/14 and it was instantly positive STILL. I began to get nervous but was told I would get my beta checked the following week. I went in on 12/18 and found out on 12/19 my beta was 756! IT WENT UP. I could NOT believe it. The nurse called on 12/19 to tell me that the hCG was "plateauing" in my system so I needed to come in for some medicine and more blood work that afternoon.

On 12/19/12, I went in and was given a methotrexate shot. I was told I had retained some tissue and that cells were continuing to grow in the area where the tissue was being retained (which is why my hCG went up slightly). So that afternoon, I was given the shot. I had already been bleeding for 16 days. After the shot, I was told I needed to go to the lab on 12/22 and 12/26 to recheck my hCG to make sure it was going down. On 12/22 my # went down to 501 and on 12/26 it went down to 382. My doctor was happy with that and I was told that I needed to have it checked once a week until it goes down to 0.

On 1/3/13 I went in for another blood test, and recently found out my beta hCG # is down to 67! So it's getting there. I will be going back in on Thursday 1/10/13 for another blood draw and I'm hoping it's at 0 and my last one!

So here is how my betas have looked:
11/29 - 325
12/3 - 1574
12/4 - 800
12/6 - 617
12/18 - 756
12/19 - Methotrexate injection
12/22 - 501
12/26 - 382
1/3 - 67
1/10 - Pending and hoping it's at 0!
(* beta for Jan 10th was 15)

I've read online that most doctors recommend a 3 month wait after the Methotrexate shot because it depletes all of the folic acid in your body. When I was given the shot 3 weeks ago, my doctor told me to stop taking my prenatal vitamin because it would slow down the process. Once my hCG gets to 0, I can start taking it again but it's going to take some time to rebuild the folic acid in my system. My doctor's initial TTC recommendation before I was given the shot was to wait 2 cycles. After I was given the shot, he said to wait until my # gets to 0 for us to discuss.

If we are given the 3 month wait from the date I received the Methotrexate shot (On December 19, 2012) then we should be able to try again by the end of March. I will update when I know more information. I'm hoping and praying that my beta HCG tomorrow will be at 0. This has been such a long process for such an early loss and honestly I'm just ready for it to be over so I can start working on being healthy again.

I'm trying my hardest in this new year to be positive and hopeful for our future. I hope and pray more than anything that the next pregnancy will be the one, will go full term, and that we get to bring that baby home. My New Year's Resolution for 2013 is to only have positive thoughts and to be as healthy as I can be. I will be trying my hardest not to allow negative thinking into my life. So that is my goal.

I'm hoping my next update will be bringing good news of my beta hCG finally reaching 0 and that our wait is a 3 month wait from the date I got the shot (so end of March).
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"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Chad & Lindsey~Furbabies Bella & Oliver
4-29-13

Last edited by MoonAngel702; January 16th, 2013 at 12:59 PM. Reason: Added Jan 10th beta
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  #2  
January 14th, 2013, 02:11 PM
MoonAngel702's Avatar ~Staying Positive~
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I got my b/w results from last Thursday 1/10 and the beta was 15. So I still have to get more blood drawn this Thursday and the wait continues. I'm feeling sad, frustrated and just ready for it to be at 0. Why in the world is it taking so long?
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  #3  
January 15th, 2013, 12:52 PM
WorkerBeeMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm so sorry. that is so frustrating. I wish they would have just done a D&C or given you that pill that is of f label.

I hope next time your results are 0 and you can start moving forward.
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  #4  
January 16th, 2013, 08:22 AM
MoonAngel702's Avatar ~Staying Positive~
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Thanks I'm hoping so too! Either way we are waiting to TTC until march or april but I want to be done so I can at least move on from all of this. I took a wondfo yesterday and it is finally negative but I feel like I can still see a shadow in it. Hopefully it's low enough tomorrow that I won't need another draw. Now that our insurance has started over for the year we have to pay $130 for every single hCG quant I've been needing...after tomorrow we are looking at about $390 for the blood tests.
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4-29-13
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  #5  
January 20th, 2013, 07:33 AM
MoonAngel702's Avatar ~Staying Positive~
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I went in on the 17th for another beta draw and I'm still waiting or those results. I should get it on Monday.

I noticed some ewcm last night so I decided to start temping again this morning. Even though we aren't trying this month I still want to track ovulation to see what my body is up to.

I'm still not sure when we will start trying again. I'm thinking march or April. If my # is finally at 0 I will ask the nurse to ask the doctor if his recommendation is still 2 cycles. If it is, we can start trying in march.
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4-29-13
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  #6  
January 21st, 2013, 06:29 PM
MoonAngel702's Avatar ~Staying Positive~
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Received my results from the 17th and my # is at 6. the doctor and his nurse were both out of the office today so a different nurse gave me my result. She didn't know if I would need another draw or not. So now I'm waiting to hear if I need to get another one done. I still can't figure out how in the world my # is still a 6. I'm so sick and tired of getting poked with needles every week... And now add the $130 a pop we have to pay for each hCG quant. SO.NOT.FUN.
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  #7  
January 22nd, 2013, 03:59 PM
MoonAngel702's Avatar ~Staying Positive~
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I received a phone call from the nurse and she said that the miscarriage is now complete (Thank God!) and so no more blood tests! It's about time! Also, she said they recommend I wait for 2 periods before we try again and as soon as I get a positive on a test to come in for betas and I will be started on progesterone immediately.

So it's looking like (if my cycles are regular and go according to plan) my 2nd period will likely start the beginning of March!

Finally, I can start taking my prenatals again and the folic acid supplement and really focus on getting healthy for when we try again in March!

I'm so happy I can finally move on from all of this!
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4-29-13
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  #8  
January 25th, 2013, 10:49 AM
anothermother's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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YAY!!! I'm so happy that you are on your way to ttc again! Hoping these next 2 months go by fast for you! May you ring in 2014 with a beautiful baby in your arms
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  #9  
January 26th, 2013, 07:14 AM
MoonAngel702's Avatar ~Staying Positive~
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Thanks so much Christine!
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  #10  
January 28th, 2013, 09:33 AM
MoonAngel702's Avatar ~Staying Positive~
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So it has been such a relief to FINALLY get my hCG back to negative. Now, instead of focusing on that, now all I have to look forward to is March. And March is REALLY feeling like an eternity away! I know it will be here before I know it but right now, it seems so far away.

I had a pretty emotional day Saturday. I still have times where all I can think about is being in the hospital with Cade. I think it's because I was in the hospital trying to save him for 17 nights and 18 days. It's like sometimes my mind gets "stuck" in those memories and it replays the traumatic experience over and over and over again. And then my final thoughts end with giving birth to such a beautiful and perfect little baby. I remember being so afraid to look at him at first. I'm not sure why but I was terrified. The nurse asked me if I wanted to hold my baby, and said "yes..." and it wasn't until I held him that I really let out the most broken hearted painful cry I've ever experienced in my life. I just kept saying "HE'S PERFECT...HE'S SOOO PERFECT. The absolute most beautiful baby I've ever seen in my life." My mom and my husband were by my side, both sobbing. 2 of my sisters were also there. They did not watch the birth but they were in the room and came to see Cade after he was born. We all wept together. All I kept thinking was "my poor baby." I felt like my body failed him. I knew I did all I could do for him but it wasn't enough.

A part of me is completely terrified I may never have any more children. This makes me completely and entirely sad to think about so I try not to let that fear take over. But I told my husband that if I end up not being able to ever carry a child, that at least I got to experience being pregnant with Cade, feeling his kicks, giving birth to him, and holding my beautiful baby. It's such a painful feeling to feel like a mother to my baby because I carried him and gave birth to him but never got to bring him home. 3 days after his birth, my milk came in, which was also a very painful experience and it took many weeks for the leaking to stop. I remember feeling so grateful once the leaking finally stopped. I was not prepared for that at all. It's a very painful experience to go through all of that and to not have my baby with me. But at the same time, if being pregnant with Cade and giving birth to him, and my milk coming in, are all I get to experience of motherhood, then I'm happy that at the very least, I got to experience that. I would be happy that Cade gave me a special gift of being his mother. I wish I could have given him the special gift of life. Lord knows I tried.

The more time that passes since Cade's birth, the more pain I feel at times, because he was so special to me and I don't want to forget any of it. Even though it was the worst time of my life having to lose him, it was also the best time of my life seeing my beautiful baby, something my husband and I created out of our love for each other.

It's been almost 8 months, and I still have days where all I want to do is cry and think about Cade, just really remember him and keep him in my heart. It makes me so sad because I feel like I am forgetting what it was like to carry him and to feel his sweet little kicks. I try to hold on to those memories so that I hold on to the memories of my precious little baby boy. I know that there will come a day when I get to be with my baby again... Until that day comes, I will try to stay positive while holding on to the beautiful memories of my special angel baby. I hope that one day, my husband and I get to experience having more children together, and that God blesses us with our rainbow. If that day comes, that baby will NEVER replace my love for Cade. I will never ever forget him or want him to be replaced. He will forever and always hold a special place in my heart.

So the waiting continues. And it is SO hard.
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  #11  
January 28th, 2013, 12:45 PM
MoonAngel702's Avatar ~Staying Positive~
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In Memory of Cade



Necklace with Cade's birth stone from my sister Dena and her family

This cross is from my sister Cindy and her family
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"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."
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  #12  
February 8th, 2013, 07:46 AM
MoonAngel702's Avatar ~Staying Positive~
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Well, my first official cycle (since my hCG got to 0) started just a few days ago. My initial thought was finally, 1 down 1 to go! But then my friend, that I have been so excited for and who was giving me so much hope, lost her baby close to 14 weeks I was and am SO sad. I thought for sure this was it for her. Just a little history, Kim and I were in TTC together for a few months about a year and a half ago. I got pregnant with Cade in January 2012 and was due in October. Kim got pregnant in March with Lauren and was due in December. I sadly lost Cade in June and I was so so upset when I found out Kim lost Lauren in July I wasn't ready to be active on JM just yet at that time but Kim and I kept in close contact through PM, supporting each other along the way of TTC after loss. I was so excited and happy for Kim when she got pregnant this last time and everything seemed to be going perfectly. And then I learned that her baby passed away in her womb. I was so devastated. I thought for sure the next thing we would find out is the gender. I'm so heartbroken for her and just feel like its so unfair for her to be going through this again. And in all honesty, I've considered taking a break from JM and postponing our TTC plans beyond March. I'm not sure if I will be ready to try again in March. Seeing Kim go through this again, I just can't imagine how she must feel and how deep her pain must be. I'm just so scared to try again. I feel like trying again would mean having to be ready for another loss. And I definitely don't feel strong enough to be able to handle another loss. I told my husband this and he seems worried that I might not want to try again for a long time, if ever. I guess only time will tell.
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4-29-13

Last edited by MoonAngel702; February 8th, 2013 at 12:12 PM.
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  #13  
March 8th, 2013, 04:04 PM
MoonAngel702's Avatar ~Staying Positive~
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So I've finally reached the cycle where we can start trying again. Only problem now is I'm so scared I cry at the thought of losing another baby. I just don't feel strong enough right now. I'm feeling like my fear of losing another baby outweighs my desire to have one. I'm trying my hardest to think positively but I'm terrified of another loss. It seems like the more time that goes by the more scared I'm becoming. My DH thinks maybe I’m just not ready to try yet but I'm not sure if waiting is going to make me feel any better. So I'm still unsure of if we will be TTCing this cycle or not.
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  #14  
August 2nd, 2013, 01:18 PM
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hey lindsey, ive been thinking about you, and just read your blog. I hope that you are doing okay and the oct '12 PR always thinks about ya
MoonAngel702 likes this.
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  #15  
August 5th, 2013, 09:50 AM
MoonAngel702's Avatar ~Staying Positive~
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Thank you Christi! That's very sweet of you I kind of forgot about my journal over here and have been bad at keeping up with it.

I hope you and all the ladies of Oct 12 PR are doing well too! I love your siggy... Kathy is just so precious!!
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