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I decided I need to write out my journey. My journey started in 2007 with my first oops pregnancy followed by a 7 week loss. It wasn't the right time in our lives to start a family so we didn't worry about things. In 2010, we had bought a house, I had my degree and a job. We were settled that it was time. I got a BFP followed by 4-5 week losses 3 cycles in a row. Devastation. I didn't think I would be the one in my family to have troubles having a child. I had so much guilt for being married for 6 years before we ever tried for a baby. I had heard good things about baby aspirin and progesterone for early losses. I decided to wait a cycle while taking baby aspirin to see if my cycles changed from the horror I had been suffering (vicoden for pain) for the years before. I got a doctor that prescribed progesterone for me to take after ovulation. When my next cycle was wonderful, we were on the TTC train again. We were blessed with our beautiful rainbow that cycle.
As naively as I entered TTC #1, when Marsi was 14 months old, we were ready to try for #2. I thought Marsi had "cured" me. My periods were easy. No more clots like they were before the baby aspirin. We moved in January and I found out I was pregnant right after we moved. Again, I made it to about 7 weeks with that baby and found out we lost it (on valentines day!). I was more heartbroken with that loss than any of the others. I knew exactly what I was missing out on. We were back on the TTCAL bandwagon that I hated from before Marsi. Now, here we stand. 2 more losses that were between 4 and 5 weeks under our belt. I found out my thyroid levels were high and started medication. I know what we will do from here...just keep trying for our next rainbow. Am I emotionally ready? I don't know. Is it exactly what I want to do? Honestly, not really. The thing I do know, I want another baby. That is what has me going forward. I will not give up because of this. It will happen in time.
We will be married for 8 years in May. I pray to hear a heartbeat for my anniversary.
Amazing how things can change. I definitely got cold feet. We are not trying this April/May cycle. Emotionally, I am not ready. I am waiting for my blood work results. If they are good, I should be ready to TTC again starting in May. As each month passes and my EDD heads further and further toward spring, I get sad. I love my Fall baby. Fall is my favorite season. I didn't have to buy a whole winter wardrobe with coat and everything because I wasn't hugely pregnant. This time I will be (hopefully) largely pregnant in the middle of winter. Just more hope dashed. Now that my "ideal" time has passed in which to have a child, I don't know if I will be as gung-ho about TTC with those EDDs. It is a stupid thing, but it almost makes me want to take more time off, loose a little weight, enjoy Marsi and just be happy with life. We shall see when AF comes...
My blood work came back yesterday and they were AWESOME! I am so happy about that. My TSH went from 4.8 to 1.54. Anything between .3 and 2 is great for TTC. I go in on Friday for my progesterone blood draw. Since I ovulated on CD 14 this cycle it should give a good accurate view on how my progesterone is doing.
Overall, I am ready to try again the May/June cycle. My hopes are high that we will be blessed with another rainbow baby. Another thing that I have to my advantage is timing. I find it funny that Marsi was a birthday present for DH...meaning I conceived her on his birthday. Our 8th anniversary is May 21. That is right around the time that I should be ovulating next cycle! Maybe we will have good luck with another "event" baby.
If it doesn't happen next cycle, it will have to wait until my July/August cycle since I will be 2 states away from DH at the forecast ovulation day.
I love hope. I have hope for this coming cycle. That makes me all sorts of happy.
Progesterone update!!! Last cycle my CD21 progesterone level was 5. Horrible, horrible level. After 1 cycle of thyroid meds, the CD21 levels from Friday came back today at 12.5!!!!!!!! Holy hope!! My body is finally regulating itself. I am glad that I took this cycle off. I was able to see that my body is much healthier and more ready for a pregnancy. Since all of my losses have been early in the first trimester, It is important for my body to be ready for a pregnancy. I truly hope that my 8th anniversary will produce my rainbow baby.
AF has officially started. New cycle. New beginnings. New hope. We are 100% TTC. It is hard to be happy about being on AF during Mother's day, but at least I see a light at the end of the tunnel. It also helps that I have a rainbow. She doesn't take away from all the losses, but she is my balm.
I will start taking OPKs on CD 10. The oddest thing is that I would be due right around valentines day. The day that I miscarried the first baby after Marsi.
POAS day. I have decided that we are doing the Sperm Meets Egg Plan this cycle. That means that I had to start OPKs today, CD10. I am very happy about it. There is just some catharsis in being able to have control over at least 1 aspect of TTC. I can't control sperm quality. I can't control my body actually ovulating a healthy egg. I can't guarantee that we will BD enough. But, I can control how I take OPKs. Weird, but on this roller coaster called TTC, it is nice to be in control of one thing.
Of course today was a negative. It should be negative for the next 3 days at least. DH thinks I am rather odd that I am keeping my OPKs glued to an index card for a progression picture. I like to see that my body is doing something right.
The OPK lines are getting darker. I expect to see a positive OPK tomorrow. It means that DH and I will be BDing for 2 of the 3 days that his parents are here. I am so glad that we have an extra bedroom that is far away from the master bedroom. There is still a lot of hope for me this cycle for some reason. I just feel like it could be our month. Only time will tell for sure.