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Christina


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  #1  
October 3rd, 2006, 09:50 AM
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My husband and I found out we were pregnant in May 2006, by the end of june we were having a d&c. The actual d&c was painless, no complications. But my emotions were everywhere. I think that deep down I blamed myself because I was not ready to be pregnant. Now, I realize that i was terrified and most women go through 50 emotions when they see those lines. I wanted to try right away, but my husband ask that we wait for a few cycles. Well last month we decided to start trying the beginning of the new year, we planned a family vacation with everyone in june. So I was fine with that. Give my body some more time to stay on track. After the m/c, my period has been right on time each month, never had that happen before. I remember most of all my life taking provera for it to come. Last year we also took clomid for a few cycles, that really didn't help. It wasn't until i got my right ovary and tube taken out in feb 2006 that we actually got pregnant. So I was at peace waiting, but there was something in the back of my mind. My SIL. I knew they were trying but she had just gotten off of birth control and her period was coming irregular so i told myself that they wouldn't get pregnant before us again. I know that it wrong and selfish, but I wanted to be able to have the first grandchild. Everyone was so excited when they found out that my husband and I was pregnant and i really liked all the attention... but it was deeper for me. I thought that i would never be able to have children, i have always had female problems. Plus this was my second marriage and never wanted to have kids until i met my husband.
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  #2  
October 3rd, 2006, 09:55 AM
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So that brings me to today. last night i found out the my SIL is pregnant. she took two home pregnancy tests and their were both positive. I was so upset, my heart was hurting and my stomach was in knots. Here they are, cannot even afford to live from day to day and now they are pregnant. And I know that is not a reason to not have a baby, because a lot of women get assistance but sometimes you need to dig a little deeper. Hmm, if i don't have money for anything , why would i bring a child into this world now. Let me get my credit cards paid off and the brand new car that i just bought because we decided to have a baby later on because we could not afford both. Since last night I have thought of nothing but negative things. And I feel so bad for it but i am not happy for them. My husband and i fought last night because of this. I know my feelings will change later on but right now i am very sad, jealous and just hurt. My husband said last night how is god going to bless us with a child if you are being hateful and selfish. It's not their fault we lost our baby. And while I know that it doesn't change the way that i feel. I just needed to write this out and read it later so it will help me get through this all.
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  #3  
October 3rd, 2006, 01:41 PM
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christina im sorry. i dont think your selfish at all. its all natural feelings to feel. I hope that when you are ready you are able to become pregnant and start a wonderful family. and personally, i am the oldest grandchild on the one side of my family and believe it or not but its a pita..you are looked at and set as an example alot etc. so you take your time and remember one day, they will be jealous of all the things you are able to give your child that they are not
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  #4  
October 3rd, 2006, 02:19 PM
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aww, thanks so much. that really means alot to me that you took the time to read and comment. thanks again!!
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  #5  
October 4th, 2006, 08:21 AM
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Another day. yesterday afternoon, I was feeling really good about everything. knowing that soon (hopefully) we will be pregnant too. but this morning i am feeling blah. i can't seem to shake this feeling. my stomach is in knots and i am still feeling bad about the situation. i am hoping that most of these feelings are stemming from AF coming this weekend. i am just aggravated with my boss, my house being a mess and i am freaking myself out by thinking AF won't come on time. i have no real pms sypmtons. so i am scared that i will be all messed up again. i went into my fertility friend account and compared last month and this month and it's the same things that i am having and not having. why do we do this to ourselves? i will never understand. i am hoping that AF will come this weekend, so that i can start charting again, and we can start making a baby.
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  #6  
October 4th, 2006, 11:22 AM
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Hi Christina,

I think what you are feeling is very normal! I m/c on August 20 of this year (I was 5 weeks pregnant). I have a similar situation to you, but I found out my brother got his girlfriend pregnant before I was pregnant. My brother already has 2 children that he does not take care of (my parents actually have custody) and his girlfriend has a child that was taken away from her by children services (supposedly her husband- yeah she is still married- was abusive). So when I lost my baby I was soooo angry with everyone and with God because they get to have a child when they don't take care of any of their other children, when they can't afford it and are in no situation to care for a child. My husband and I have a home, are stable, we are both teachers and love children. I can't make any sense of it. I am glad I don't have a close relationship with them, because I can't stand to be around her! They came over a couple weeks ago and she was smoking... and didn't even look guilty for putting her child at risk! Of course my brother and her don't know about the m/c so I have to deal with her wanting to talk with me about the pregnancy and trying to show me sonograms...

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. It has been very difficult for me to be around pregnant women. It's hard to be happy for them when you keep thinking... it should be me! I am feeling better this week though because I got AF for the first time. I hope everything is back to normal and I will ovulate soon.

Good Luck
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  #7  
October 21st, 2006, 07:21 AM
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Nothing much has been going on. This week I should be ovulating but not sure that I am. My temps are all over the place and I have no O sypmtons. I am upset and hoping that I don't have to go back on meds to O. I do not want to take Clomid again! I guess time will tell. We have still BD every other day just in case though. I am excited to try but so nervous about everything else. When I got pregnant the first time I was so upset. I thought about gaining weight, walking funny and all the silly things. I kept telling myself that I was not ready to be pregnant and then we found out the baby was dead. I will never forget that feeling wondering if I wished my baby away. So this time I will deal with each feeling and move on. I am sure that I will be terrified again but I know in my heart it will be worth it!
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  #8  
October 21st, 2006, 08:49 AM
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aw sweety you didnt wish your baby away. Maybe all along you had this feeling in your heart something was going to happen anyhow and thats where you got those negative vibes/thoughts. i hope you O soon and dont need to go on clomid again..i think bd'ing every other day should do tha trick! good luck
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  #9  
November 14th, 2006, 07:38 AM
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Here we are into the second month of trying. Overall I am feeling pretty good, but sometimes I let my mind wonder what if?? What if it never happens to me again. I know that I got pregnant the first time but alot of these ladies got pregnant, miscarried and still have not gotten pregnant!! That's what I am afraid of. I know medically there is nothing wrong with me and it should be diffucult, but what if? What if they do not know and I waste more time. I am think about talking to my dr to go to a RE. We have been trying since last dec so this upcoming month should be a year. I don't know what to do anymore. Dh tells me last time that he worries all the time that I won't get pregnant again or something will happen. That just broke my heart I had no idea he felt that way! I know that I am SUPER impatient and want things now and am sure that this is something I cannot control. I am just having a blah day. Next week I should be ovulating so we are planning to BD everyday. Hope this helps. I have been on mucinex and EPO so that should help with the CM. I am still spotting on CD8 which is a little strange but who knows. I hope that we can bring in the new year with some good news!
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