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  #1  
October 4th, 2006, 12:24 PM
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I am new to justmommies but really like the idea of sharing my pregnancy experiences and hearing about others experiences. I also have lots of questions and hope I will find some answers!

Well a little about me. I am 29 years old. I was married on June 16 of this year to a wonderful man. We decided before we were married that we did not want to wait to have children. I had AF during my honeymoon (yuck!). When we got back from the honeymoon we just enjoyed being married. I got AF in July and decided to be more proactive in getting pregnant. I started to chart temps and took OPK's. Amazingly, we got pregnant that cycle! I have never felt such joy in my life! I thought that life could not get any better. I was married to a wonderful man and we were going to have a baby... well the joy didn't last for long. I miscarried on August 20th at only 5 weeks.

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. I want a baby and find it difficult to wait to try again. My doctor recommended that we wait 2 cycles before trying, but my husband and I have done some research online and have decided to try after I get 1 normal cycle. Well I got AF this Sunday (exactly 6 weeks after m/c) and it seems normal with the exception that I typically get intense cramps and had none this time...

So I plan on taking temps and OPKs this week. I have not charted much and don't know my cycle very well but I am trying to learn. I only hope we get pregnant as quickly as last time and that we end up with a healthy baby!
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  #2  
October 5th, 2006, 07:36 AM
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Sorry this is such a long entry to anyone who reads this... but it was a looooong night!

I had a very interesting night last night. My husband and I were up until almost 2 having an emotional argument. We are not very good at leaving heated discussions for another day. Once we start, we keep going until it is resolved... which sometimes leaves us with sleepless nights. I have also been sick for a couple days now (that's why I was surfing the net and found justmommies) so we both took a sick day today. I don't think it is good for us to argue at night because I tend to get much more emotional when I am tired and then I have problems falling asleep.... anyway on to what we fought about.

Wednesdays are guys night... During guys night a few of his friends come over and they order pizza and play games. I was sick last night and spent my entire day laying in bed, watching tv, and surfing the net. I read about the clearblue easy fertility monitor and after reading about it, I decided I wanted one. So following guys night, I spoke to my husband regarding the monitor. I had found one on E-bay and wanted to go for it (we have some money in an account from selling items on e-bay). He acted weird about it and said that he was hoping he could use that money and save for an electric bicycle (his newest electronic obsession). I understand he wants an electric bicycle and was even going to buy him a part he needs as a Christmas gift... so I was a little upset that electric bikes were more important than having a baby. Which is probably more than a little unfair of me and I wasn't upset about it for long. But then he acted weird and frustrated the rest of the night so I knew something was up...

At 11:30 after not being able to sleep, I asked him what was going on. It lead to a very long discussion about how he only feels axiety about TTC now after our m/c. The m/c was extremely difficult for me. I was depressed, angry, cried all the time for a couple weeks. Then I became frustrated when the bleeding continued (5 weeks of bleeding) and worried when AF hadn't come (finally after 6 weeks). I put him through alot in those weeks... he was wonderful, but he tells me he felt hopeless during that time because he didn't know what to do with me or how to help. I was also very angry for a while with him because he seemed to get over the loss of our baby much quicker than I did. We m/c on Sunday, I stayed home from work for 3 days he went back on Monday. When he came home Monday after work, he seemed completely back to normal... I felt alone in my sadness and morning. I was angry that he wasn't mourning with me.

So basically I was in crisis for a few weeks after the m/c and was not myself. He had to deal with me and felt hopeless because he couldn't help. Over the past few weeks I think I have been healing both emotionally and physically. I am excited about trying again and the possibility of having a healthy child. I don't feel anxious about it. I try to talk with my hubbie and he sometimes doesn't respond (literally) and seems to avoid the subject. I don't expect him to look up how to conceive quickly online, but I do want him to discuss it with me when I bring it up. He said last night that he is terrified that we will m/c again. He is afraid of what it will do to me. He is scared of what it will do to our relationship. I will admit I am terrified of m/c again also. But I have hope that everything will be fine this time. If it is not, I definitely plan to seek counceling or medication if necessary to help me get through it. I don't expect my husband to take all of the burden. I also believe that a person can live through anything. I grew up with an alcoholic father, a nephew who was shaken and almost died... and even though this was the hardest thing I have ever gone through I know that their are many possibilities in our future for healthy children... I feel I was just mourning the loss of our child.

Anyway, my husband just woke up. We are back to normal (I think). One good thing about our fights is that we don't stay mad long and are very cuddly afterwards!! We have lots of love for each other and I can't see us not being able to get through anything. Our conversation is not over yet though... I don't know what he wants to do. I know I want to TTC again but it takes 2 of us to have a baby and raise a child! I need him...

I guess I will write later to tell how it goes.

OH, and of course AF stopped last night!! So I am eager to try again.... we'll see.
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  #3  
October 6th, 2006, 02:40 PM
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TGIF!!

I went back to work today. I am still not feeling all that great, but at least I have a weekend to recoup! I am eager to get over whatever I have. I want to be healthy when I get pregnant again!

What else... my husband and I are back to normal. I think we were just both really tired and hadn't talked openly about trying again. He is ok with TTC. He said he honestly would be ok if we didn't get pregnant for 6 months because he is still scared (and of course I hope it happens this month!!)

Also, I went on Ebay and bought a clearblue easy fertility monitor with 30 test sticks... The one I bought was opened but never used. Apparently the woman who bought it said she opened and then found out she was pregnant. Hopefully it will bring me that luck!! Has anyone used a fertility monitor? Just curious how good they work and wondering if it has helped anyone. I wanted to get it because I am still trying to figure out temps and checking my cervix, and cervical mucous, and using OPKs... I thought it might take the guess work out of things. Unfortunately, it won't come until next week... so it will be too late to use it this cycle. So if I get pregnant this month than I will definitely think it is lucky and if not then I will use it next!!
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  #4  
October 7th, 2006, 07:28 AM
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Ok, I have a question. I am not sure if this is the place to post it, but I would appreciate any response. I am still fairly new to the world of checking cervical mucous/position, OPKs, and charting. I m/c my first on 8/20/06. I got pregnant fairly quickly the first time and am hoping to get pregnant quickly again (this time with a healthy baby).

Anyway, so AF just recently ended and I am starting to check cervical mucous and cervical position to know when I am most fertile. Well I checked this morning and my CM was white and disappeared as I rubbed my finger together. I have read about CM and it said after AF you should be fairly dry... I just want to make sure what I am seeing is normal for 2 days after AF. I have had BV and yeast infections in the past and though it is not close to being as much discharge as then... I want to be healthy for when I get pregnant again.

I feel as though I am super paranoid about my health lately because I have no idea why I m/c, I have never had a child yet so I have a lot of concern about wether I can carry a child, plus I have read about soooo many causes of m/c. I was checked by my doctor before I got pregnant to ensure there was no BV and everything was good. The day after my m/c I had a pelvic exam and u/s to make sure everything had been expelled. Then I went on to bleed for 5 weeks. I have not had any exam since the m/c and am sooo paranoid about every little thing. It doesn't help that I have been sick with a viral throat infection for about a week now. I am feeling a little better but still have a weird blister in my throat.

So if anyone responds to this I will be extremely appreciative. I would like to know if the CM is saw is normal and also if anyone else is as parnoid as me about their health after a m/c.

Thanks ahead of time!
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  #5  
October 7th, 2006, 12:43 PM
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I am feeling a little down right now. My husband tells me I need to have patience, that God will give us a baby... but I am tired of having to be patient. It is such a waiting game... waiting for AF, waiting for O, waiting to see if you are pregnant. It doesn't help that my brother's girlfriend is 4 months pregnant. They have 3 children between the 2 of them and don't take care of any of them. My parents have custody of my brothers 2 children and children's services took her child away (she says because of her abusive husband)... oh yeah, she is still married to someone else. Plus, she is really irritating... she does not take care of her health (smokes even while pregnant), and moves sooooo slow. She is only a few months pregnant and she acts like she is going to deliver at any minute. I went to my parents house and they were there... she was sitting in a chair and kept moaning... it irritated the crap out of me because even if she was feeling sick she does not need to moan... Plus I would give anything to be feeling sick right now if that meant my baby were still alive. Anyway, I was just looking online for Christmas presents and I looked at infant car seats because neither my brother or his girlfriend are working right now so I will buy something for the baby to help out.

Plus, the holiday's are coming up and I keep thinking of how wonderful it would be to be pregnant during the Holidays... It would be sooo great to share the big new during Thanksgiving or Christmas. Of course if we get pregnant now, I think I will be scared to death the entire pregnancy. I thought for sure that God would take care of my child... but he took my baby away...

I think part of my sadness is that it is Saturday and I am still not feeling well, I am tired, but I am also bored. My husband fell asleep while watching the Ohio State football game. So I watched the game alone and thought about how life will be when we have a baby of our own. Life was sooo perfect during those weeks when I was pregnant. I can't believe how happy I was! I want that feeling back. I am feeling more stable than I did a few weeks ago... but I have lost my joy.
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  #6  
October 8th, 2006, 05:27 PM
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I am feeling much better today. After my hubbie woke up last night from his nap, we went to a local cafe where we drank hot chocolate and played a couple games! He is so sweet. After he woke up he could tell I was feeling a little down and he said, "can I take you out on a date??" Today was nice also, we canned applesauce, went shopping, and worked outside in the yard. Overall it was a good day.

I am glad we had lots to do today...I like to stay busy because it keeps me from obsessing over getting pregnant. I feel like time is moving very slowly these past couple months. I just want to speed time up to the point where I am pregnant, and out of the first trimester.. then maybe I will enjoy it!

Anyway, I don't know my cycle very well. I think it is 26, 27, or 28 days long, which means I should ovulate sometime this week. I am wondering if my cycle is back to normal since this is my first cycle since m/c in August. I have started doing OPKs this weekend so that I don't miss my O window. I am eagerly waiting the big day!
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  #7  
October 9th, 2006, 02:19 PM
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Last night was the first night I posted in the TTC after a loss forum and I am so appreciative of all the wonderful ladies who responded! When I went to bed last night I had 2 responses and when I came home I had several more. It was sooo nice! Especially since I was a little upset today when I heard that a co-worker was pregnant. We both got married over the summer and our school gave us a double wedding shower. Anyway, she is pregnant and I was a little sad that it wasn't me talking about babies and pregnancy with co-workers, but then I came home and read all the responses to my post. It made me feel much better and not so alone in the world. There is nothing in this world that I want more than a child... I just hope God gives me one.

Last thing, I started OPKs this weekend. I am not supposed to O for a few more days. So far there is no line at all on the OPK... not even a faint one. Last time I tried them, there was a faint line that got darker and darker throughout the week. Is that typical? Is it normal for their to be no line 5 days before you expect to ovulate. Of course this is my first cycle after my m/c so I am not sure if things are back to normal or not...

Also, I have read that it is not uncommon for women not to O every month and since my cycles are just starting is it possible that I won't O.

It doesn't help that I don't know my cycles that well yet. I didn't start trying to figure them out until we started trying.

Praying for O to come!!
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  #8  
October 10th, 2006, 04:19 PM
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Tuesday!! I can't believe it is only TUESDAY!!! Could the week go any SLOWER?? It's making me crazy! I want the weekend to come quickly because I am supposed to O sometime this weekend. (I hope). I don't know my cycle that well so I am not sure when it is coming. I did another OPK today and it was negative, but it is still early so I didn't expect it to be anything but. I also started one of those online charting things... I hope it helps me figure out when I have O'd. I have also been checking CM and my cervix. I do notice more CM and I think my cervix is getting higher. Only 4 days left.

Come on O!!!

Please God, give me a healthy baby!
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  #9  
October 11th, 2006, 06:13 PM
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Ok, 3 days till ovulation! I took another OPK and it had a faint line on it (which is more than it has had in the past few days!!)... so I hope that is good news. I checked my online chart and it said that the best days to BD would be today and the next 3 days. I think though that I will wait to BD until tomorrow and then the next 2 days (hopefully)... I am a little worried about wearing my DH out or possibly stressing him out about the whole thing.

Anyway, I had a very good day. I went to Yoga, which I have heard helps fertility because it reduces stress. Of course I hurt my back 2 weeks ago doing yoga (I think it is a strenuous form of yoga... not all stretching and relaxing). My back hurts a little tonight so I hope it will be ok tomorrow. Nothing like BDing when in pain! Anyway, I also had an opportunity to hang out with a friend of mine after the yoga class. She is also TTC right now and we had a long talk about our experiences. I am very lucky to have such a good friend. It is nice to have someone to talk with.
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  #10  
October 12th, 2006, 04:32 PM
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I am very close to OOOOOO!!!! (I hope!!) I am not exactly sure when it will be because I don't know my cycles really well, but all signs are good. I have increased CM, my cervix is higher, and I can finally see a little bit of a line on the OPK. I really hope this is it. I like hearing about the other women who get their BFPs but I want a BFP of my own! I have read some old journals and it is nice to read what some of them went through and then to read that they are several weeks pregnant and doing well! I want that more than anything. I wish I could fast forward to the time when I am in my second trimester, ejoying being pregnant, and preparing for my little one. I want to watch my belly grow and feel my baby move. I want to hear his or her heartbeat. I want to hold him/her in my arms and kiss their little head, and cuddle them close to me. I want to watch them grow, bake cookies with them, help them with their homework... A new life is amazing and I want to be a part of bringing new life into the world.

Please God, give me my baby...
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  #11  
October 13th, 2006, 04:26 PM
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LOOOONG day at work! So much to do and never enough time! Anyway, I did manage to take an OPK test with me to work today... I probably shouldn't, but I have read that the best time to test is between 2-4 and I don't get home until 5. I know that I am super close to O and I don't want to miss it. Of course my DH and I are bding every couple days but I just feel better knowing when it happens. Last time we were pregnant, I took an OPK and we bd the same day... and of course we got pregnant. I am hoping that happens again. I want my baby sooo bad!

I saw my brother today. He was excited about school (he is 34 and has been trying to get his life together... he is taking heating/refigerating courses!! GO BRO!). Anyway, he also got a used high chair from a neighbor and was showing it to me. He told me that they went for a doctors appointment and were hoping to find out the sex of the baby but were told not until next month. I am glad he didn't find out today. I still get sad that it is not me getting ready for a baby.... I mean they have 3 children between the 2 of them and how many live with them... 0! and it's because the STATE took them away! Not that they are bad people, but they were married to very BAD people. But my DH and I are ready and capable of taking care of children. We are both teachers, are financially stable, loving, and want it more than anything! UGHHHH... I want my baby. I would be 12 weeks pregnant if my baby hadn't died.


Anyway, I plan on taking another OPK tomorrow. I hope I O... then the dreaded 2 week wait! Ok, I better go. DH and I are going out to eat and then we are headed to watch a band play!
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  #12  
October 14th, 2006, 08:22 AM
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OK, so last night was supossed to be a FUN night! My DH and I were going to watch a band he likes with a couple friends. Well, last night guess who else was at the same bar... Rob's ex-girlfriend. They never spoke to each other and I have never actually met her, but I have heard ENOUGH about her for it to knock me for a loop that she was there.

MY DH and I have been together for 2 years and 4 months. When we had been together for about 6 months, we went to another concert. At that concert he saw a friend of hers and panicked a little that she might be there. He acted weird at that concert and then told me later that he was worried she might show up. He said he kept having visions of her coming up to me and acting crazy... even hitting me! Well that thought was in the back of my mind last night and made it even worse. They dated for like to years and their relationship left him depressed for a few months after it ended and a changed person. Though he says he is over her and said he feels nothing for her... I am still irritated.

Of course, she didn't even act like she knew who he was last night... Nothing happened so I am probably just over reacting!

On top of that... I am supposed to ovulate or might have ovulated last night! who knows??? I tested yesterday at 2:30 (negative), 7:30 (positive), 2:30 am (negtive), 10:30 am today (negative). So on top of the bad night... I have no idea what that all means. I know I didn't test at the right time but I am due to ovulate so I went a little test crazy because I didn't want to miss it! And of course if i am ovulating right now... I am so grumpy and upset that BD is the last thing on my mind!!!! I am not good at faking being in the mood!!!!!!!
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  #13  
October 14th, 2006, 08:03 PM
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Yeah I wrote this morning... but I thought I needed to put my feelings in writing tonight. All that happened this morning is resolved.

My DH and I BD and I am praying that I get pregnant this month. However, tonight I had a moment of Anxiety. I wasn't feeling very well today and thought about how I felt ill right before I m/c. I am terrified that I will m/c again. I was soo happy before and then it was gone. I don't know what I will do if it hapens again. I just kept thinking today that we could be getting pregnant again. If so... I can't loose another baby. I am so scared. I want to get pregnant, and bring a healthy baby home.
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  #14  
October 15th, 2006, 05:29 PM
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Well today is Pregnancy Loss Awareness day. I joined the Chat room for a few minutes in time to see the other women say something to their angels. I became sad when I realized that though Rob and I gave the baby a name... I did not know how to spell it! My DH ran and found a book to locate the spelling. We named the baby Joachim, after Mary's (mother of Jesus) father. Rob really liked that name and used to say it to my belly when he talked to the baby. We weren't going to name the baby that... but we didn't know if the baby was a boy or a girl... so it seemed fitting to name him/her Joachim when he/she went to heavan. It is amazing that sooo many babies have been lost. I want a baby but I think I will always be sad about my angel.

As for TTC, my temp went up a little this morning. I am curious if it will go up again tomorrow morning. Though I did get 1 pos. OPK, it was at a weird time (8 pm). I tested like 3 times that day and only got 1 positive. But I definitely think I Od. I checked my cervix and it seems really low compared to what it was. So if my calculations are correct I am 1 DPO. I really hope the sperm caught the egg. Rob is sooo cute. He would talk to my belly and say "GO spermies GO"!! I love him soo much. I hope I can give him a baby.

I guess we'll find out in 12-14 days!
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October 16th, 2006, 03:03 PM
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Today was a good day... busy at work as usual but good. I am excited that DH and I both have a 3 day weekend coming up. We are planning to take my nephews to COSI (center of science and industry). They love it and teachers get in FREE! OH, DH made some vegetable soup and it was SOOOO GOOD! Seriously, this man can cook some good soup!

As for TTC: I am still taking my temp. It went up a little yesterday but then dropped back down today. I think I Od already because I don't have much CM (still a little) and my cervix feels really low. Also, I took an OPK just in case and the line was almost non-existant. So I will keep checking my temp and hope it goes UP and STAYS UP!!! My period isn't due until Sunday the 29th but I will probably test on Friday the 27th.

I hope we made a baby this month!
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  #16  
October 17th, 2006, 04:30 PM
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Well... my temp did not go up today. It stayed about the same. So I really have no idea what that means. I am dry and I don't notice any CM. I am not sure if it can take your temps a couple days to go up after O or not. I told my DH last night and he was not even slightly interested in BDng. Not that I wanted to, but I want a baby. I hope it happens for us, but i don't have a good feeling about this cycle. Of course, I didn't think it would happen last time and it did. I am a little emotinal today. We watched the remake of Herbie the Love Bug and it made me cry!!!

My mom told my grandmother about my brother getting his GF pregnant. She didn't flip like I thought she would. Today, she called my mom and asked if it was a boy or girl. I am feeling a little jealous because I want it for me. TTC is soo hard. Guys don't even have to spend 1 minute thinking about it. It's hard to stay positive right now.
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  #17  
October 18th, 2006, 05:01 PM
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OK, So I don't want to be negative.. but for some reason I don't have a good feeling about this cycle. I read some of the other girls posts and how they seem so positive and think maybe this is it. I don't feel that way. I am probably just tired but I have a feeling that I will not be getting a BFP. OH well.

As for my temps... they went up slightly but not enough to indicate I ovulated. I think I did O already though because I had lots of CM before and I hardly have any now. I guess we will find out in a couple weeks.
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  #18  
October 19th, 2006, 01:55 PM
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I want to curl in a ball and cry. One of the girls at work e-mailed me today and asked me to call her today. So I did. When I asked what was going on, she told me she was pregnant. I am happy for her but I am tired of watching everyone else be so ###### happy. I want it for me. and of course I have no idea what is going on this cycle. I can't make any sense of my temps. She was being very considerate... she did call and let me know before dropping the bomb in front of everyone else. but I still want to cry. My DH doesn't understand, my mom doesn't understand. I am so sick of everyone and everything. If one more person tells me to have patience I am going to SCREAM! I feel so much and don't know what to do with it. It doesn't help that I sent my DH an e-mail and a voicemail crying my heart out and he didn't get either of them! He said he checked... but it just sucks needed him to hear/read it and it didn't get through to him. Don't we have technology for these reasons?? Why does it fail you when you need it the most???

I don't just want a baby... I need one to stay sane.
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  #19  
October 20th, 2006, 07:30 AM
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I was really upset last night, but am feeling better today. Still a little sad and the desire to be pregnant and have a baby are as strong as ever, but I don't feel like I am loosing my mind. Of course, I still don't know what is going on with my cycle. Someone looked at my chart and said it didn't look like I had Od yet... My temp went up a little. My cervix is high again, but I haven't noticed any CM. I took an OPK last night and it was negative. Sigh... I definitely prefer knowing what is happening. It makes me feel more hopeful and feel like I have more control over making a baby happen than just waiting around.

Onto a different topic. Today is Friday and my DH and I both have the day off! I live for 3 day weekends. DH is currently renting some floor nail gun. He is planning on fixing a spot on our hardwood floors. I made him promise to take me to the Circleville Pumpkin Show... hopefully the weather will hold out!
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October 20th, 2006, 03:02 PM
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I must be CRAZY! My breasts are a little sore... or am I imagining it. My chart doesn't even show that I Od and here I am thinking about pregnancy symptoms. I would rather be in oblivian... can't we just somehow go to sleep one morning and wake up on test day....better yet 3 months pregnant (which feels out of the woods for me since I didn't make it out of the first trimester). The wait drives me insane, especially since I have no idea right now what is going on with my cycle. I even checked my baby's book to see when my breasts got sore last time. They literally grew overnight and got HuGE and were extremely sensitive and sore. I didn't think much of it then, I thought there was a possibility but didn't believe I could be pregnant until I got the BFP. Of course the sensitivity has not gone away, but the soreness has.

Of course I cried while reading my baby's book. Rob and I both wrote in it to say good-bye. I read what I had written about how I found out and how excited we were. I read about our fears, hopes, desires for our baby. I read my goodbye to my baby who I will never hold. Then I thought what I will do if I ever get a BFP. Will I be happy and excited like before, or will I my joy be clouded by fear? As I thought about it while looking in the book I could only picture myself crying. Not because I don't want a baby... but because I can't loose another one. I don't know how women cope with multiple m/c. Having 1 was the worst experience of my life.

God help me to have a healthy baby... on my knees, I beg you.

OH yeah, I took another OPK (just in case) and it was negative again!!
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Amanda & Rob married June 16, 2006







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