You know i should prolly give people a bit of background about me on this first post.
I'm 33. Old yeah i know... anyhow. I have a 12 year old son who i call Mr B online. He's in 7th grade this year. And he's as tall as i am 5'5. I got married to my honey bear Jason on Nov. 23 2004. We got married 3 months after he got back from being deployed to Iraq. He was a speicalist in the Army. We moved to Lindsborg shortly after he got out of the serivce and have been hear a little over a year now. I have most of my family in McPHerson which is about 15 miles away. His family is in Sacramento.

Hopefully you all can read through my typos.... i have alot of them sometimes.

We got pregnat the first time by suprise we weren't really trying... I was soo excited !!! i told everyone i had wanted a Upon seeing my OBGYN they told me i was gonna miscarry the first time i saw them as my hcg levels were so low... i had 4 us done and they all confirmed that the baby stopped growing at 5 weeks 1 day. I had to have a dnc done. it was truley the most emotinally crippling thing i have ever been through. we waited until febuary to try again.... and we have been trying for months now with no results. i have tried the who opk things and they worked i thought but we never got pregnant so i went back to my obgyn 2 months ago he said if i wasnt pregnant by october we would start the clomid. I wasnt excited about this i was terrified! you read about all kins of bad side effects and things and wel its usually a last resort. and for me it is . I will stay on it but only until May 2007 or if i get pregnant beofre then God willing. After that i am willing to face the fact that maybe God jsut wanted me to have one child.

even though that s a thing to swallow right now. I am coming up on the year anniversary of my loss. its tomarrow actually... how am i feeling... well you know what i started my first dose of my first cycle of clomid last night... i feel hopeful but in the same token. i am sad. It was hard when may came as thats whe i was to be due, then i had a cousin who had her first baby in June i have another cousin who is due at the end of this month. Its very hard to be around either of them. more so the first then the second. She has her sweet baby and well mine is gone and thats hard on me and my hubby as wonderful as he is doesnt understnad that.

so i guess right now i am jsut kinda in a numb spot really... praying to aGod this clomid will work and i will be mommy again soon.

TODAY HAS JUST SUCKED......IT WAS A YEAR AGO TODAY THAT I HAD TO HAVE MUY dnc DONE. Now i am trying to look forward to ttc a new baby... but its still hard . i think about the baby that i should be holding and it makes me want to cry al of the time these days... and then i wonder if i will ever be blessed with another baby..... this waiting is well , im not a very patinet woman sometimes... but i'm trying and i hope this clomid will help.

I am really starting to hate this clomid stuff....
my head is throbbing all the time and yesturday i was a complete ##### to my dh..... he couldn't do anything right as far as i was concerned...... grrrrr Its messing with my emotions which they say can happen , i jsut hope that it works this month that way i dont have to keep taking it ! And i am also clenching my teeth as well. This is gonna be a long month i can tell already.....

Well i have to hand it too my DH ...
He has been so tenative and caring lately... today he was strking my hair as we were laying in bed just cuddling..... I love when he does that it make me feel like everything is right in the world ...anyways we ended up bd'ing... hehehe I have no idea when i will even o this month since i started clomid, but we tryed a new postion and it was fun ... i was layng on my back with my pelvis laying on top of his with my right leg over his right sholder... maybe tmi there but it was nice that we tryed something new... ! Here's hoping that this will be the month! since i know how hard the clomid side effects were on my dh this month!

No big news on the TTC concieve front today... no bd'ing either.... which was fine with me i have been soo very tired the last 3 days. and i never even got out of my jammies today . not really sure what that was about but oh well, dh was home from school today he smashed his finger pretty good at work, its all black and blue and smoochy looking... anyhow he lit the pellet stove up cause it was cold in the house. and the silly thing is i went to make him his lunches for this week and i burned it... grrrr! anyways i know he will still eat and would be all fussy if i through it out so i didnt .... I am hoping that we can bd tomarrow and the next day since i should be oing one of those 2 days.. one of the girls got a BFP today ! i was soo happy for her, i jsut hope i get mine soon too.!

Gosh darn it I am soo freakin frustrated rihgt now after finally getting Jason to agree ing to BDing and trst that it toook alot of coxing on my part, I was on top and after he came i got up and i think all the sperm fell right out of me... GOsh dang it!!!!!!!!!!! I am suppose to O either today or toamrrow and i know hes sooo not gonna be up for bding tomarrow... and on top of that i had crampy stuff this morning . like af cramps... and i have no idea what that was but anyhow i am soo fricking disappointed and angry right now.!!!!!!!!

I jsut want to ######in scream!!!!!!!! apparently the crampyness i am having is cause i am oing.. and well yeah dh wont want to bd today so what the heck am i suppose to do?? i feel like a complete and utter faiure at this point... I hate the clomid seriously it sucks! i dont want to take it next month and the only way to do is that is to get pg and with dh not wanting to bd how am suppose to get pg ?!?!?! geeeze i need a break!

today is a much better day!!!!! i got some opks today at 210am mind you because i could not sleep.... however when i took it the top test line was as dark as the other line and both lines were faint at the bottom i posted a pic on the baords the gerneal consencis is that it was posative... sooo i seduced dh and i finally got him to bd !!!!!!! yea!!!! and i know i will get more this weekend becuase he will get caught up on his sleep and britt got a bfp!!!!! yea!!!!!! and magan is too i believe!!! theres a lot of bfps going around i hope i get mind in a couple weeks!!!!! i think mr B and i are gonna Pizza and a movie night tonight sometimes i think he needs momma time!

I dont care if everyone thinks i am nuts or not! I am telling you for some reason for the last few days i think i am pregnant... i cant explain it it jsut feels like i am and you know the reallyy bad part.... ? i think that if i turn out not to be pg then i think i am losing my mind.... oh geeze i went through this same thing when i was pg with my son 13 yrs ago... i knew in the back of my head there was this little voice always telling me your pregnant your pregnant , even though i must have taken like 20 epts ... and they all said neg.. it didnt matter... because i knew i was almost 3 months along before i got my posative hpt.... but i knew i cant explain it... gosh i am reading this and i sound like a loon. .... oh well ... if im nutszo so be it !

well for a few days now i have been feeling pg....

now i dont know if it is true or if it is just the power of suggestion, i can tell you last night i was up every 2 hours to pee.... maybe that was too much info. anyhow let me tell ou about when i was pregnant with Mr B some 13 years ago... long before i got a posative pregnancy test about 2.5 months before i got a posative test i jsut had this nagging feeliing that i was pregnant . I started taking the ept tests and i must have taken close to 20 of them and they were all negative. and yet still i knew i was pregnant i was almost 3 months along beofre i got a posative test. that confrimed what i haD KNOWN for months. Now i cant say for sure that what i thought and felt then is the same as what i think and feel now. what i can tell you is that i have this sneaking suspition that i am pregnant again adn the thought of that scares the heck out me since we miscarried a year ago this month.


DH was being a not vry nice guy yesturday afternoon i told him jokingly thast the baby didnt like cranberry juice and he said you know as much as we have bd'ed if you were gonna get pregnant you would have by now.... GRRRRR you know he can be so dang deflating...sometimes. I spent most of the night running up and down the stairs peeing every 2 hours...

well, i did it the old room that used to be dh and mine is now offically called the baby's room and dh is giving me such a hard time with this he keeps saying there is no baby, so how can it be the babys room... i told him jsut cause you cant see it doesnt mean its not hear, my freind jen says i am getting my hopes way to high up and i think im jsut losing my mind.... geeze would something jsut happen already.. where's my baby?????


well this is my horoscope today...
Leo
New Year's isn't the only time of year appropriate for making resolutions ... you are allowed to make a change in your life whenever you want to. So if you are itching to turn over a new leaf, today is a good day to start. You shouldn't wait any longer if you feel the urge. This is a time of extreme clarity -- what you are feeling or sensing is completely accurate. Your worries have substance, and you should do what you feel like you need to.


hmm could it be all this baby carziness i have been having is because ia m gonna get my baby???? hmmm i guess we have to wait and see , i have 8 days left til testing....

today hasnt been great...... even thugh i havent been wackoly mood swinging.... its jsut kida a blah day! i think Mr B popped my bubble last night when he said mom get over it your having a baby. even though your desperate...... OMG , my heart fell to the floor have i become one of those desperate women who go crazy trying to have a baby??? i dont think i have but i'm not very objective now a days..... i know that the women here are awesome! and so understnad and supportive. i jsut wonder why it has to be so hard for all of us that want children to have them...

still crampy this morning and was very ######y ot dh in fact i turned on him over his whole trying to dry rompa me ... i guess my mood swings are still there.... gosh darn it i hate this waiting!!!!!! GRRRRRR

yep well its been such an emotional time lately.... anyhow last night when jason came homei had to jump up and go pee and then when i got back down stairs i thought i was gonna throw up.... that lasted a good 20 minutes i ate a cracker and finally my tummy settled down.... my temp keeps going up.... i keep hoping this is the month i will finally get my BFP!!!!!

well i got a bfp on the clearly confrim this morning.... 2days ago i tested and got abfn... so i am trying not to get my hopes up... but its hard when you had a negative 2 days ago and now you have a posative.... i am gonna test in a bit with a digital even though i hear it takes forever for those to turn posative... and it seems that everyone wants to tell me thats its not really a aposative...

[mom2jeremy]

well i got a bfp on the clearly confrim this morning.... 2days ago i tested and got abfn... so i am trying not to get my hopes up... but its hard when you had a negative 2 days ago and now you have a posative.... i am gonna test in a bit with a digital even though i hear it takes forever for those to turn posative... and it seems that everyone wants to tell me thats its not really a aposative... [/b]

you may or may not know this but confirm clearly is in the process of being recalled because it has given so many false positives. apparently, dog's and men's urine are getting positive results with confirm clearly. just thought i'd give you a heads up because it happened to me and i was devastated.

for more info go to www.peeonastick.com

you know what tomarrow i am going in for my blood test..... i got started on the progesterone today.... its ewwwy feeling!!!!! anyways i am anxious and hopeful a tthe same time! I just know in the back of my mind this test is gonna come back posative, but yet there is a nagging voice that says maybe not!!! Its making me crazy... i could not get full for today .. ive eaten and eaten.... and still hungry..... if i am not pregnant then what the hell is wrong with me!!!!

well what a day it has been... i am emotionally exhausted!!!!! i did go in for the blood test this morning, when the nurse called me back to read the results t was neg i looked at it , it was a cassette type test and there was a very faint line looking there to me, but she even lifted it up and double checked it . So beth (the nurse) said if i dont get af on thursday......to come back monday and they would run another... so heres the deal if af does not show thursday then i will do a hpt on sat and again on sun.... and then back to the ob/gyn on monday... but tonight me and mr b are gonna watch monster house

ok all my intuition tells me that i am gonna get a bfp i am jsut gonna have to wait a little bit longer to get it ! I am sooooooo hungry and yet nothing sounds appealling.... and everything smells sooo bad!!!!! if i am not pregnant i dont know what i am gonna do with my self..

AF was due today and guess what shes not here nany nany!!!! anyways there are no signs she is gonna show soon! i am peeing every 2 hours like on the dot!!!! i am gonna test everyday she is late!!!! hehehe! i jsut pray this is a good thing and not my body being weird and funky!


and jsut for giggles i am gonna ut all my symptoms up here...

bloated
gassy
constibpated one day
diarrhea the next
sensative nipples,
hungry!!!!
peeing every 2 hours
exagerated sense of smell!
lower left back pain
face breaking out
and dry skin patches on face
sweating at night..
feeling nausea
sense of balance is jsut off