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OK, I've been reading through a few of the journals and believe it or not I think it really helps to see what other people are going through. Makes me feel like I am not the biggest freak out there for starting to use the HPTs like 4DPO!! Yeah, yeah, I know they don't work that soon but something in my head makes me do it just to drive myself crazy. So maybe my journal will help somebody one day and maybe it will make me feel better to be able to put everything down, even the things I am afraid to tell to anybody!
I'm going to put in some background information in case anyone cares to read about it and I think I need to tell the story for myself!
I've truly been blessed with three healthy, smart, wonderful children, which I often feel guilt for after knowing what some of the ladies around here have experienced. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make the wonderful journey happen for them.
However lucky I have been, my dream has always been to have four children.
For a long time DH and I, starting after DS and progressively getting worse until it hit rock bottom a few years after DD #2 (child #3), were have some serious maritial problems. I have never spoken a word of this to anybody (the real truth I mean) and as people read it here I guess they might think I'm pretty much out of my mind. Anyway, DH and I went months between bding, I mean many months. In the three years after my last child arrived I could probably count the number of times on one hand. In fact in the seven years after DS I could probably count them on two hands. I know, CRAZY! I think I was dealing with a lot of depression and felt like I couldn't talk to anybody about it. I was afraid to admit it to my husband and my family. I mean what do you say to your mom, "Hey mom, I don't want to have sex with my DH. Any suggestions?" I tried with a few doctors and the two responses I got were:
#1 It's ok to watch porn (can I say that) with your husband
#2 You need to get more sleep.
Well, both may be true, HOWEVER, why did it not cross a medical professionals mind to say, "Hey lady, your depressed!"
My DH has got to be the most patient man in the entire world. I won't go farther than that for the sake of his manliness but at least he didn't go off with a pair of open legs! I'll owe him forever for being kind enough to not make me feel any shi**ier then I already did and not being mean spirited in anything he did or said. I don't mean to gloss over the situation, because we don't believe in divorce, but I think we came close on a few occasions. I've got a great guy and I couldn't possibly say enough wonderful things about him!
Anyhow, I don't know what changed (actually I do a little but that may be TMI for me to share right now) but I finally decided that if I wanted to have another baby I'd have to figure out a way to get on with it. DH has always wanted four and reminded me we would never get there the way we were going! For a while I had convinced myself that three would be fine, but it always seemed like our family was not quite complete. Anyway, as I decided that I would HAVE to do IT again to have one, I stopped getting Depo injections. By the time the depo should have been out of my system I was actually WANTING to do it. I swear, I will tell anybody who wants to use depo my horror stories. I think the depo actually exagerated the depression on top of making my sex drive go completely down the drain. The two were not a good combination, but this is completely my observation, because the medical pratitioners around here are complete idiots.
So after about a year of trying I got my miracle baby. Maybe that is why when I lost it, the situation seemed so tragic. Much more emotional than anybody would know of other than myself and my DH. I still cry myself to sleep thinking of a little lost angel up in heaven. This baby meant so much more to us. I know children don't solve marital problems, but it signified the fact that we were where we were supposed to be. I'll never forget the morning when he finally held me and the two of us just cried without saying a word.
I had a dream about a week after the m/c. I was sitting on a swing and there was a little bundle under my shirt. Tucked in, in a curled up position under my shirt and jacket. If I looked down I could just see a little face peeking up at me. Hidden from anybody who were to pass by. Just a tiny little baby, but warm and snuggled right up to my heart. I guess this gives me a little comfort, like I actually did get to hold my baby and maybe it knows how much I love it.
It seems like it has been so easy for everybody to brush it away. Like it never even existed. I want to remember my baby forever, because in my heart I am the mother of four.
So, I guess my DH and I are going to TTC again. He has been real stand offish about the situation and we really haven't talked about anything. AF just visited on Saturday, so I guess this is cycle #1. I know the Dr. said to wait 2 normal cycles, but after everything I have heard and read it seems like there is information saying that it is OK to start TTC if you didn't have a D&C and you are emotionally ready. I feel like my clock is ticking. The next baby will already be four years younger than it's next oldest sibling and part of me feels like it is too long between babies. But most of me sees that cradle that I made my DH put together 1 week before the m/c and wants to fill it with a new baby. Most of the days the door is shut to the room it is in because I don't think either of us want to think about what should have been.
Well, I'm sitting here at my computer on a Sunday afternoon. I am 6 days away from O. I have been pretty adament about not wanting to do the OPK thing, it didn't work very well for me last time, but I'm not sure I am going to hold out. I feel like I want to be doing something. If I just sit here and wait maybe it will be another year before I get pg again and I can't wait that long!
I told myself that if I didn't get pg by July, (which I did) that it was going to be the last month we tried. It was too exhausting worrying every month about whether or not I was going to be pg. I felt like I just wanted to get on with my life if it wan't going to happen. After all, I am lucky to have my three beautiful children. Some women don't even get one and that makes me feel a bit guilty around here! Maybe I shouldn't be complaining after all.
But now that I was pg, and m/c, there is now this huge desire to get pg again. I was imagining all of the wonderful things that I was going to be feeling. The feel of the little kicks and rolls and hiccups in my belly. The image of holding my new little baby in my arms and suggling him/her close at night. Wrapping the little bundle up tight after a bath and feeling it's soft little skin against my breast. I want a baby now more that anything in the whole world. But then again I can't do it for another year. My littlest is four and will be more than five if I get pg again. Isn't that too long. Will the new baby feel left out of our lives? Maybe the kids will be old enough to really take it under their wings. After all I am five years older than my sister. But is seems so different. I mean my son will be 9 years older than a baby now and my dh and his sister are 9 years apart and they are not close at all.
Oh, why do I feel like I have to do this. I have always dreamed about 4, but is there a time to give up on your dreams. I don't know why I am feeling this way now. Three days ago I felt like I was on top of the world. I didn't think there would be a chance we couldn't get pg this month. Should I even try now. Is it too early?
So those are the thoughts running through my head. And I think I'll go to KMart and see about some OPK's. At least try for a wonderful Christmas present...and then we'll see. I guess it will give me more time to lose weight. I sure want to be under 200 when I get pg again. Only 23 pounds to go and I think I can push that in a month...at least get close to the mark. We'll see!!
OK, so I am feeling really excited today. It started out sort of ho hum. I actually remember the OPK stick so I could take it at the right time today. Well, I'm bumming around work and I have to go to the bathroom (ok tmi, but I have to tell). Anyway I get half way down the hall and remember my OPK!!! So I go grab it, stick it in my pocket and head off.
I get to the restroom, do the little pee on a stick thing and sit there and watch it! I usually don't watch my tests (maybe I think it will be a better outcome if I don't look until three minutes is up) anyhow, I watched it and the surge line showed up before the comparison line. And it was DARKER to boot, by quite a bit! I've never gotten a truly POSITIVE on an OPK, not even the cycle I conceived our baby angel. So now I am just so excited!!
I can't wait to get home tonight, take a long (cool bath) and the do some bding! I'll have something to look forward to in 2 weeks. This is actually the first time I have really paid attention to all of this and it is kind of new and exciting! At least when your just starting out. I can't believe the excitement can stay around when you have to go through month after month without a positive on the HPT!
So, I am excited about getting back to ttc this month. I don't think I'll be heartbroken (THIS MONTH) if it doesn't happen. At least I say that now. But OB did say to wait two cycles, but I just can't do it and from everything I read other OBs do say you can start after one. So part of me wants this badly now and part of me would be happy with an HPT next month. After that, I'm going to get really desperate.
Well, maybe I take that all back. I probably will be disappointed if I don't get an HPT this month. I mean, my body could not be giving me better clues. Well we'll see. BD tonight and I hope tomorrow if DH doesn't have to be out of town. If he does I'm going to be upset!!! We've got to BD today and the next two days for me to be happy!
I'm also going to get my bbt thermometer today. I really hope that I haven't had my drop or spike just yet, so I can find my O day as closely as possible. Then we'll see what the chart says!!