[cocosmumNco]

I thought this will maybe help me when i'm having a bad day to write down how i feel. I'll start with my story incase anyone would like to read it.

From a young age I have always dreamed about being a mum its all i ever wanted to be but i always knew i didn't want a only child (I know I should be grateful for having a child and believe me I am but I can't help feeling theres something missing.) Anyway I met my partner in aug 2000 and from the moment i met him i knew i was going to have his children. so it would suprise you to here that i was pregnant with my daughter by nov 2000. In sept 2001 I gave birth to my daughter nicole by csection. when nicole was 4 weeks old my dp asked me to have another I thought it was too soon. looking back I wish I'd said yes cause I spend so long trying to get him to argree to another. when nice was a year old I stop my contraception and hope it would happen on its on. by aug 2003 I was getting fed up mainly cause paul was pulling out so I tried again to get him to argree he didn't. so i went on the pill for 2 months and he argreed to start afterwards. in jan 2006 paul said he never wanted anymore children so we seperated. In april he came back saying he wanted a baby so we started to try again. in julythisear after trying tons of stuff i had a month of reflexology and while we was on holiday I ov and weridly enough i knew i would be pg almost straight after we bd. the day we came back from holiday I had a scan to see why my side was hurting (which reviled I had a cyst on my right ovary) at the scan the woman said i'd ov and the folicule was breaking down but i took that to mean I wasn't pg. even before my af was due I knew I was pg but I waited till 14 days after my scan so i knew af wouldn't arrive. the morning I took the test I was actually shaking I was so nervous the test came back postive but a faint postive I thought after this long I would be really happy but I was scared. Its like I knew something was wrong I did 4 tests that daY. later that day I started bleeding I can remeber crying but I thought it would be ok. I booked a appointment for the doc and he said i think u will be ok and did some bloods I kept bleeding I bleed 6 weeks in all. when my bloods came back they where very high for 6 weeks he tested me again and the next time they dropped 20 points then the next time they rose then I passed a big clott and dropped a 100 points so the doc said it looked like I was m/c. that day I said good bye to my baby but I still hoped the doc wanted to send me for a d/c but I wasn't going to have one without a scan. he sent me for a scan and they told me it was etopic I cry so much I'd took no one with me so i had to call paul to come in then they told me i'd either lose my tube or have to stop ttc for 6 months. I was destated I didn't want either I stay in hospital 4 days and on aug 22nd (when I was 8w 5d) I had a injection to get rid of my baby. I think that was the worst day of my life I cried so much the next couple month afterwards. my hgc levels went to 0 15th sept. I would of been 11w 1d the after we would of being telling my daughter she was gonna have a brother or sister.

It still hurts now loads that baby was so wanted its hard to think i would be 23 weeks now. paul took it hard and last month he told me he didn't want anymore at first i went made then we talked and argreed to wait till after I had my lap to see if everythings ok. thats monday I

oops it posted lol anyway i'll rabbit on
i'm so scared of them telling me i can't have anymore children scared of going to sleep too.
feel really down today. but i have used this time wisely lost 2 stone yay