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Well, here it is, my first post on this new journal. I originally had a journal on the TTC board, but I posted all my old OPK's and positive HPT's.. I don't want to go back to that. I want to start fresh, for a fresh new TTC journey.
It's been two weeks since I lost my baby. I miscarried at 7w3d on April 21, 2007. I believe I'm ready to start again. A member of the Pregnancy Loss board once said that you're ready to TTC again when "the want for a baby is greater than the fear". I can't say that the fear is completely gone, or that it will never return... but for now, my life isn't complete. I want/need a baby to hold and love. I have one that I never got to hold, yet I still love. I'm wanting a blessing from God that gets to stay with me. I pray for that multiple times every day.
So here we go again. Another attempt. Here's my story...
Took an OPK at work today, and it was showing a line about 3/4 the darkness of the test line. Anytime now! I gotta talk DH into BD this evening. My temp went up a bit, and I have been getting EWCM but in small amounts. I'm used to having a lot, so it's kinda throwing me for a loop.
I have been taking OPK's the past three days and here's the results.. the bottom is the one from this evening. It's positive!! I know it doesn't look so much in the pic, but it looked darker in person.. also I took the pic way after the time frame to view it..
The others are from yesterday and the day before, all in order..
Well, AF showed on May 24th, while I was on vacation. I took a couple tests and they were negative, I figured AF was on her way. Well, I'm on CD6 today and looking forward to hopefully catching the egg this cycle.
Well, I'm on CD8 and AF left day before yesterday. Not much to report, just waiting to O. I'm going to start the sperm meet egg plan within the next day or so. I think we'll have a better chance that way. I hope this is our month!
Well, I'm 1DPO (I think) and am so glad I finally O'd. Problem is, we BD three days before, but Dh wouldn't cooperate the night of O. So hopefully it'll still lead to a BFP!
The other night, I had a dream that I woke up crying to. I was in a hospital bed, with Joe in a chair beside me. We were both older (50-60 yrs old), I could tell by the way Joe looked. I just remember being really sleepy. The doctor came in, and talked to Joe, and I blinked my eyes. When they closed, I was in the hospital, when I opened them, I was surrounded by white light. I heard voices speaking simultaneously.. all ones I recognized. It was so distracting but I could hear a little girl's voice in the distance and it was louder than the others. I heard her calling out, "Mommy". I looked around to see who she was calling to, or where she was, but no one was around me. I walked forward and saw an archway through the light. Under the arch was a little girl, with long red curly hair, blue eyes, and Joe's face when he was little. She kept calling out. She reached out her hand and I ran to her, trying to grab her hand. A strong male voice said "Callie" and she turned her head towards the other side of the arch and I still reached for her hand, but never able to touch it. Then I woke up...
The weird part is, I never knew whether my child was a boy or girl, nor was Callie on our list of names anywhere. She had such an angelic smile, and looked so much like Joe when he was a child, but with my hair color. One of the guys I work with was trying to decipher what that meant, me waking up before reaching her.. and he thought that in the dream the hospital may have revived me or that it "wasn't my time" yet. Maybe that's why the voice called her back. I don't know but I woke up so upset. It probably means nothing but it seemed SO real. SO real.
So, there hasn't been a lot going on, but I'm doing ok. I feel better about everything, and we're trying again. Hopefully we'll be pregnant again soon...
I peed more frequently today than usual. Haven't even had any more to drink than usual either. And I've been pretty tired yesterday and today, but then again I'm not sleeping well. I broke down last night and I had no idea why. I couldn't control it. Today it will have been 2 mths since I started bleeding during my m/c (spotting). I can't believe it's been two mths.
Hopefully this will lead to a bfp.. we'll find out in the next few days..
Here I am, 13DPO and still got a negative this morning. I guess I'll find out tomorrow what is going on. If my temps go down, I'm not even bothering testing. If they go up, then I'll test. I've been struggling with faith and hope right now. I know that I can do everything perfect and STILL end up not pregnant, and that bothers me. I know I need to trust in God and let Him handle the rest but it's just so hard.
Well, here I am at CD 43, and nothing yet. FF gave me crosshairs but they're not right. I think I O'd yesterday but I won't know for sure for a couple of days. I tried to get a hold of my doctor but no luck.