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Ok so I decided I should probably start a journal for this journey that im on...so here it goes...
My name is Erika, im 20 years old, ive been married to my husband Matthew, who is 22, for 1 1/2 years. We started TTC in Jan. of 2007, got our first BFP on the day of our one year wedding anniversary (April 30th) but went on to m/c on May 8th (@ 6 weeks along), and have been TTC again since then.
A little history: my husband has a chromosome rearrangement called a balanced translocation (affecting his 2nd and 13th chromosomes), and while he is prefectly normal physically and mentally, the fact that he is a carrier of the balanced translocation (which goes through his family) can create problems when trying to have children. A balanced translocation can cause infertility, but being that ive gotten pg, we are pretty sure DH isnt infertile....Basically what a BT is, is that DH has all his chromosome makeup, but a little piece of his 2nd and 13th chromosome broke off and switched places (theres not any pieces missing and no extras added, therefor given the name BALACED translocation). With the BT present in our situation...we can have one of a few things happen..the baby can also be balanced where s/he may have the same BT at my husband and be perfectly normal other than being a carrier of it, or s/he can he born without even being a carrier at all....OR B. the baby can have what they call and UNbalanced translocation where basically one of a few things could happen here...1. the chromosomes would be so badly put together that we would have repetative m/c's or 2. the baby would carry to term (unlikely) and be born with severe mental retardation....its really a 50/50 shot, but we have placed this in Gods hands and feel that if it is Gods plan for us to have children, he will help everything to happen accordingly so that we may concieve a healthy baby with balanced chromosomes and everything will go well.
Now back to my m/c...I started having some light brown spotting in the afternoon on May 8th, didnt really think TOO much of it, but was concerned, so I put a call into my Dr. and she said it probably wasnt anything to worry about since it wasnt red or heavy and that if anything changed to call her back...well nothing changed all afternoon and I had hoped that it was nothing and went about my normal day...well DH was on night shift at work that night until about 10:30pm and around 9:00pm I went to the bathroom to find that I was having BRIGHT red, heavy period like bleeding...I panicked (of course the Dr's office was closed already) and jumped on the phone to call DH but couldnt get him at work...so I immediatly layed down on the couch with a glass of water and waited it out until he got home...once he did, I told him what had happened and we decided that if I was m/cing there wasnt anything they would be able to do to stop it, so as heartbroken and nervous as I was, we went to sleep that night and decided to see how it was in the morning...well morning came and it was still there, so I called my OB/GYN and she advised me to go to the ER...so off we went...when we got there they did some blood work, pelvic exam and an untrasound and found to my worst nightware that I had indeed been having a m/c...my quant # was only at 83 (mind you I was 6 weeks along) and there was nothing to see on the U/S....I was just heartbroken, numb...we wanted this baby more than anything in this world and in an instant, it was all gone. Well they released me about 3 hours later and I went home and had a natural m/c...as horrible as it was (being that everytime I went to the bathroom for the next 7 days I was reminded that my baby was gone) I never had any cramping at all, not even a little..and it only lasted as long as a normal period (which like I said, for me, is 7 days)...so in a way, I guess you can say I was "lucky" because I know it could have been much worst but it doesnt make things any easier. Well about a week later my quant # was back down to 0...my OB/GYN said that since it was an early loss we could start ttc again, but recommended waiting 2-3 cycles..DH and I talked and decided that we would wait for one post-m/c AF and then start ttc again, because I wanted nothing more than to be PG again and to get our healthy miracle...well here we are, almost 3 months later and still havent gotten pg yet...hoping and praying everyday that it will happen for us soon, we long to have our miracle in our arms, to bring home and love and care for, to be parents to...but we have to trust that God has a plan for us and that it WILL happen.
In the meantime we have been to see our genetic counselor, because with the BT, I am considered high risk...so for the next pregnancy(s) I will have progesterone levels checked at 7dpo, a blood test to check my hcg levels every 2 days (to make sure its doubling) and early u/s so confirm things are going well...we will also have other testing throughout the pregnancy(s) like extra u/s's, an amnio or cvs and some other special testing that they do on people with our situation.
This has been a very bumpy road for us...never in my 20 years of life did I think getting pg and and having a baby would be so difficult, ive come to classify TTC as a "science" with all the obsessing over bbt's, OPK's, BDing on the right days, and "is there a line, or isnt there" stuff....I also never in my 20 years of life saw myself loosing a baby...it has been one of the hardest and most emotional things ive EVER had to endure in my life and although it seems to get "easier" over time...I will never forget that pregnancy, or my baby and I cannot wait to meet and hold my sweet angel.
One of the hardest parts about loosing my baby was that the day before my m/c my bil (DH's brother) called us and told us that him and his wife were pregnant. We wanted so bad to tell them the good news that we were too, but because of our situation (and knowing we had a high chance for m/c) we decided we wouldnt share the news with anyone until at least after my 8 week appointment to make sure things were looking up (by the way, we did end up telling our parents about the m/c a few days after it happened). My sil and I have never really been close, but I was happy to know we were pg at the same time, because I had high hopes that this could be what would bring her and I together, we were only about a week or two apart, I was 6 weeks and she was 8. I feel bad everyday that her pregnancy has always been bittersweet to me ever since we lost our baby...there have been times when my mil would start talking about her and the pregnancy and I will just start crying and stuff because its so hard for me to hear how things are progressing with her, or that she was at babies r us the other day looking at stuff to possibly register for, or that she is starting to get her baby belly...its so hard because I would be at the same place as her right now, shopping at babies r us and rubbing my baby belly. There have been times when I thought I was going to be put in the situation where I had to see her...but I had to refuse because I feel like I cant even see her or it will just "break" me. She can be one of those people sometimes that likes to shove things in others faces...and I can see her walking in front of me and rubbing her belly and stuff like saying "HA im pg and your not" and I dont even want to put myself in the situation because I just know it will set me off. So I havent been able to see her or look at her or anything and im still hoping I wont have to, at least not until I am pg again and know I am expecting a healthy baby, and have OUR miracle to look forward to. I know this probably sounds selfish but its harder than it sounds and I just dont have all my strength back yet. Im not this way with all pg women, I dont even mind them..its just something about my sil....Im hoping things will get better soon because I dont want to have this feeling anymore, but only time will tell, and im just taking one day at a time right now.
Well here I am, the same place im in month after month...the 2ww. I started using OPK's this cycle for the first time just to see if they would help us out, and I got them just in time...the first one I took was negative, but the next day I took one and it was positive, so DH and I got to BDing...I took another one the next day and it was just BEAMING positive, the test line was SO much darker then the control line, so again, we got to BDing and as I suspected, the next morning I had my ovulation temp increase...im really hoping that we caught the eggie this cycle, im really looking forward to the day when we conceive our healthy baby and can have a successful pregnancy. I hope every month for this..and it seems like every month that goes by, it gets harder and harder. Im trying to stay strong and keep a good outlook on things because as hard as it all is, I know it will ALL be worth it in the end when we do get our healthy miracle.
Well I started thinking this morning, and by now, id be around 4 months pg and we'd be finding out the gender of our baby...my sil (the one who got pg at the same time as me) found out this morning that they are having a boy..so im going to have a nephew, but its still bitter-sweet for me... But im trying to keep my head up, because I dont know whats going to happen this cycle yet and there is a good chance I could be pg and not even know it yet, im trying not to set myself up for disappointment, but im very hopeful here...so ill continue to hope and pray, and maybe, just maybe this will be our month that we concieved our healthy miracle baby...
Well ive been doing ok, I still am, but it hit me again today how badly I want a baby...found out that my SIL started her registry at babies r us and i just cant wait to do that for my own baby, ive wanted to have a baby registry since i started working at bru 4 years ago (i dont work there anymore, but did for 3 years)...DH and I cannot wait to register, its going to be so much fun and also will mean that things are REAL and we really have a healthy baby on the way...im in the 2ww so its still possible this cycle, but i wont know until probably next week...im trying not to get my hopes up, but like every month, im SO hopeful because we want this so bad.
On a good note, I had a blood test done on Wed (Aug. 1st) to check my progesterone level...i was afraid it might be low and that it could have been a cause for my m/c and i wanted to make sure it was ok for when i get pg again so i would either not have to worry about it, or get it corrected so it will be ok...well the results came back GOOD...my number was at 18.3 at 7dpo...so i can put that behind me and not worry about it...here is to hoping for a healthy bfp soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!