[reddick2084]

I guess I'll start with an introduction...

I'm currently 22 yrs old and I'll be 23 Monday, which I can't believe time is flying. I'm in college working on a degree in Computer Information Systems. Then I plan on transferring to another college to finish up my Advertising degree. I have a 4 year old daughter name Kayla who is so amazing and smart. She's going for 2nd year in preschool this year . I'm currently engaged to the best man I've ever known, he is wonderful. He's working on his Accounting degree. I never thought in a million years that after my daughter's father and I broke up I'll ever be happy again. I know that sounds so clinche but its true. Her dad and I were in love at the young age of 11-18. But you know things soured and he's a great dad to Kayla and I would'nt ask for anything more. But now I truly had a chance to start over at love (adult)love and it's better than I could imagine. So were planning to marry May2008 and so far I haven't got any of my task down but I think I may go away and get married and then have a reception. I need to make up my mind.

[reddick2084]

I'm ready now for my 2nd entry....When I found out about my angel

Last July I took a HPT(First Response) and the results came out negative. The next 2 weeks I believed I had a cycle. But for about 2 month I kept having really bad abdominal pains. My coworkers all kept telling me to go to the dr. ,but I'm stubborn I just thought it was something I ate. That August I had a cycle as well but I was still feeling sick. I have decided that in September I was going to make an appt. about the way I was feeling. During my September cycle I was bleeding real heavy and started passing clots. I had went to my fiance(Sullivan) and I told him I think I was having a m/c. But we didn't understand how was I pregnant if I was having a cycle . I thought maybe this is a bad cycle. The next few days I was feeling better and then all of sudden at work I started hemorraging . I will remember this day for the rest of my life it Sept.13th. My coworkers and I were in the bathroom and they were going to call the EMS. I told them I wanted to go to the hospital near my home and that's what happened. I started to have a fever and almost passed out on the way to the hospital. So I was in the waiting room for like an hour . I was bleeding so bad . So when they finally took me to the back I had told the dr. that I was bleeding so bad that my socks were soaked. She looked at me like"yeah right" . So once they examined me they say all the blood . So she asked me was I pregnant, I said I don't think so. They tested anyway to be sure and it turned out positive . I started crying because I knew all the bleeding I did wasn't a good sign . They took an u/s and the baby was looking good. They put me on 5 day bedrest and I had a follow-up exam in the next 3days. The dr. said I was going to probably have a m/c or I was threatning one. So at my dr. appt she said the further I got the better but there were no guarantees. But I was a little hopeful. We weren't even trying to have a baby anymore and when ended up pregnant. Sullivan and I thought I couldn't get pregnant anymore because a previous dr. said that I wasn't O'ing. So this was our miracle baby. The thought of losing him was further back into our minds. I was placed as high-risk pregnancy and had to go to the dr. every week. The bleeding had stopped 2 weeks later. Everything was going much better. My next u/s was great it was when the baby was 14 weeks he had plenty of fluid everything was looking good . Until....my afp test the results came back and they weren't good. The dr. said they wanted me to do some test (genetic test) . Plus another u/s on my u/s the tech noticed something was wrong. He said that I was losing fluid and their maybe something wrong with the baby's kidneys. The next week we went for testing I had to do a CVS and I was very scared . Right before the test I had to get an u/s and the tech had left the room for a second. I remeber I looked at Sullivan and something is wrong. About 10 minutes later the tech had come in and said, "I'm sorry but your baby passed away". After 18.5 weeks my son heart had stopped and I felt like mine had stopped with his as well.

[reddick2084]

How I ended up here...

After hearing the news from the u/s tech about the baby passing. Sullivan called my primary dr. and told him the news. He told us to go over to my hospital so I could get ready to deliver . I felt so miserable...I wanted to go to L&D happy but that wasn't going to happen. My son wouldn't be able to come home with us or meet his sister. I was going to leave a part of me there.

Once I got to the hospital I had to sit there in misery , while everyone was there having healthy alive babies. I was so hurt I had to share a room(triage) with someone and all I can hear was her babies heart beating. I was laying ther just thinking how I will never hear my heart beat ever again. I was getting angry and I requested for them to put me in another room because, I thought that was rude to have me in there. So at about 9pm I was giving the pill to start inducing me and at 7:21 am Saturday Oct.21 was when my son and I were separted from my body. I left having him in my heart for the rest of my life. The funeral arrangement were so hard for me to get through, I was losing myself. But I had to be strong for my daughter who I love so very much. It was so hard to tell her that her baby brother has went to heaven. She's still dealing with not having him here but she's doing much better. We all decided to have him cremated because I wanted him home with me. After about 3 weeks after his passing we finally got some answers from his autopsy. He ended passing from an infection that was caused froma tear in my placenta. I'm so grateful that they were able to find out why because, up until that point I blamed myself.

[reddick2084]

TTC again....

The dr. said he wanted us to wait 3 cycles to get pregnant . But he said it's safer me to wait so my body can get back to normal. So we waited and waited and waited . After the 3 months I went crazy I wanted to bd everynight. I had bought a bag of HPT test and was so serious. I was starting to go to the dr. every couple weeks because I was late. I had them do u/s and blood test to make sure I was good to go. My dr. started getting worried about me but I wasn't listening. I was acting very resentful of other pregnant people because I was being jealous. (I know it sounds horrible and it was). So after trying Feb-April I decided to stop obessing. I was going crazy I knew I was emotionally ready. So Sullivan said let's take a break and if it happens then let it happen. The next time I went to the dr. he said he wanted me lose weight befor I get prego again . Why didn't he say that before? It wasn't like I gained a lot of weight in the last couple of weeks I saw him. He said he wants me to have better chances of staying pregnant if I was healthier. So I had to give up a lot of bad eating habits to become a healthier person. I had lost 17lbs in April but slowly but surely I'm going back up. But I'm going to keep it down because I would like to be healthier anyway. So now this brings to August we decided that were ready and I'm emotionally better as well. So now I'm 13DPO CD36 and still no AF. But I'm going to try to wait even longer to test since I have crappy cycles. But I'm not going to obess this time around time. I'm just going to relax and enjoy TTC .

[reddick2084]

Well I took a test yesterday and it was.... .I'm not really upset because my body is so crazy. I didn't want to celebrate my b-day before testing first and some drinks. I think I'm going to ask my dr. to do a thyroid check because my cycles are too irregular since my loss.

[reddick2084]

<span style="font-family:Arial">Its been awhile since I jotted something down in here, let's see.........Ok so recently I was so disappointed. I was like 60-65 DPO and no AF with symptoms. Finally went to the doctor took them like a week to tell me I wasn't pregnant. I really thought I was this time. So for awhile I was feeling miserable. I thought about taking a break from TTC because it gets so stressful sometimes. My angel day is coming in the next couple of weeks and I'm really depressed about it. Sometimes I think if I was pregnant around my angel anniversary I'll be fine. But now I have to ask myself....Would I really be happy? I don't know, I think I would worry myself sick. This week I'm going back t o dr. for my u/s, they want to see if I have PCOS. I don't think so. My weight is probably the problem I'm having with af. I'm going to have to get in shape. Ok I'm sleepy, I'll write more later.</span>