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I posted on here after finding out my baby's heart had stopped beating last Friday at our ultrasound. I was supposed to be 11 weeks. Our baby measured 8 weeks 5 days So.. I had to go to the city hospital, and decide what to do. I felt at the time that the medical management would be the best. So on Sunday I went back and took the oral tablet (mifepristone).. talked about what I wanted to happen to my baby afterwards, I could either opt for a cremation or bring my baby home to bury. I couldn't stand the thought of bringing my baby home inside a cardboard box - like a new pet or something I decided on cremation.
Tuesday I went back to the hospital to continue with my treatment.. I'd had cramping and lost small amounts of blood. They sent me for a scan to find out what was happening. Some tissue had come away from the top of my uterus but they weren't happy with so little progress... and the Dr on duty admitted to me that the pessarys probably wouldn't work and it'd be 8 hours for nothing, so reluctantly I booked in for a D&C Wednesday AM.
On the way home I realised that for the first time during this ordeal I actually felt like I'd made the right decision, and felt quite "positive" about the D&C. I got home around lunchtime, and we decided as Donovan needed time off Wednesday, he could go out and get some jobs done that afternoon. I regretted this pretty quickly as I started having awful cramps, BUT they were bearable. By 9pm I just needed a bath and I got straight into bed but I couldn't sleep at all, the pain was really intense and all I could take for it was paracetamol - didn't do a thing for me.
I just kept rolling around in bed and crying. About 1am I ran to the bathroom to be sick.. I felt like my insides were going to explode :/ then suddenly there was a release in pressure and as I sat on the toilet a whole load of clots fell from me.. I rang the ward and they said to come in. My Mum came down to stay with my little boy. In 20 minutes I went through 4 pads and the clots were like tennis balls
We got to hospital at 4am. I had an internal and the Dr said my cervix was open. She really struggled to reach my cervix as she said it was SO far back. Then they gave me 4 pessaries and a pain killer up the back passage I laid in bed and waited.
At 7.30 the anaesthetist came in and chatted to me, and at 8.30 I was prepped for the D&C. They set me up with fluids as I hadn't eaten or drank anything for hours. They said I could either be waiting for 10 minutes or 2 hours..... 8 hours later I went down for my D&C :/
I came around quite quickly and felt fine. It was only when I got back to my room I broke down. I felt so empty and after nearly a week of hell it was all so final.
I had something to eat and passed urine. They took out my cannula, gave me my Anti D and got the Dr to discharge me.
I can;t explain how lovely they all were to me. It made the whole process so much more bearable. The Nurse was almost crying as she said how sorry she was for our loss.
I left the hospital at 9.15pm.. cried on the way home. Went straight to bed and cried myself to sleep. Haven't managed to get dressed today.. I can't imagine ever having the energy or motivation to make myself look nice.
I'm so gutted that I probably flushed my little baby away.. how do you ever get over guilt like that..
Last edited by Pink.Crazy; November 12th, 2009 at 04:03 AM.
There are no words I can say to take your pain away or even to ease it, but I want you to know I am (and the UK girls are) here for you. I have no experience in this tragic situation, but I am here still.
((hugs)) i know nothing i can say will take the pain away that you are feeling right now but i just wanted you to know that im here for you if you ever need to talk about it you can pm me (ditto to fi all the uk mommis are here for you)
I had the same experience with my first miscarriage i didnt realise it at the time but when i was on the toilet thats when the baby pased out i rushed to the hospital to be told the baby was gone i was devasted.
'm so gutted that I probably flushed my little baby away.. how do you ever get over guilt like that..
hunni please do not feel guilty AT ALL what has happened is not your fault at all, and your baby KNOWS that ok?? he/she is not looking down on you angry, he/she looks down on your proud that he/she got a chance to be inside you and happy that you are his/her mummy.