[Emmy77]

I found out I was pregnant on January 24, 2010. I had been spotting the previous few days, and thought AF had arrived. But the morning of January 24th the spotting suddenly stopped, and I was surprised enough to take an early pregnancy test. Got two very faint lines and could not believe it. Pregnancy was confirmed at the doctors office two days later with a blood test. My doctor was concerned when I told her I had spotting (which I knew was implantation bleeding because my sister had had it) so she sent me off for an ultrasound. No problem! February 5th I had my first ultrasound, which revealed a sack, yolk sack, measurements at 5.1 weeks, and estimated due date of October 7, 2010. I was hoping the baby would arrive on 10/10/10 and was starting to look forward to meeting our little October pumpkin.

I've heard so many miscarriage stories that I convinced DH that we wouldn’t tell anyone until we made it through the first trimester. I told one of my best friends who happened to be 2.5 weeks more pregnant than me, and DH told one work friend. We stayed mum to everyone else.

My pregnancy symptoms started to set in about the 6th week with sore nipples, mild nausea and a few food aversions. The 7th through 10th weeks I had to have something in my stomach at all times, or I felt nauseous, but I never threw up. I was mostly interested in cheese, peanut butter, and saltines and pretty much lived on PB&J. The 8th and 9th weeks I was sooo tired, had to be in bed by 9pm and slept until morning. Also, for the first time in my life I had to get up once or even twice in the night to go to the bathroom. In the 10th week my symptoms stopped. Some sources say your symptoms can go away that early, so I didn't worry about it.

We had our NT Scan scheduled for Monday, March 22nd, during my 11th week. Then we had a follow-up appointment scheduled with my OB doctor the next morning. The Friday before the scan, I started spotting... brown, so not to worry... then it turned pink... still not necessarily to worry... then it turned red. Worried. I called my doctor's after-hours number and the on-call doctor called me back. She was not very helpful, but we decided that since we already knew I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy and I already had my NT Scan scheduled for the following Monday, that I might as well wait until then. I agreed.

The bleeding continued through the weekend, accompanied by mild cramps. I read about placenta previa and hoped that's "all" it was. Monday morning we headed to the hospital for the ultrasound. The hospital ultrasound floor has a number of ultrasound rooms where ultrasound techs perform the ultrasounds and everything that is seen on the ultrasound computers is piped into another room where a doctor instantly reviews everything that is happening.

So, we get there and the sweet ultrasound tech introduced herself and told us she was an intern, but that another full-fledged ultrasound tech might come in, too. I warned her that this might be an interesting experience for her because I'd been bleeding since Friday night, so who knows what we were about to find. She took it in stride, got started right away, found the embryo and started to measure it and the sack and then tried to find the heartbeat. My heart jumped when I saw the little embryo with a head, body, and little arms and legs. But I could tell exactly what the tech was doing, and I'd seen enough ultrasound images online that I knew my little embryo was very very still, a little smaller than expected, and did not have a flickering heartbeat. She asked me to hold my breath while she had the ultrasound machine hunt for a heartbeat... Silence. This took no more than 3 minutes and then the full-fledged ultrasound tech came in. (I assume she had been watching in the secret room that oversees everything.) She took over ultrasound duties, asked me again about my bleeding, and hunted for the same things the intern had. Within about 1 minute, the doctor who manages the ultrasound floor walked in. I knew just what was happening, but it was still surreal. He showed us the embryo, told us that the heartbeat should be very visible and very easy to see and it wasn't; and he showed us where the blood flow was around my uterus, and how it did not meet up with the embryo. He said a lot of words, but the ones I remember best were: "failed pregnancy."

Then they all quickly left the room, telling us to stay as long as we wanted (the scan was scheduled to take an hour, but only lasted maybe ten minutes), they left a box of tissues and closed the door. Very sweet of them, really, I actually felt bad for THEM, because you know they don't want to be the bearers of bad news. Of course I broke down all over DH, who was incredibly sweet and just rubbed my back while I got it out. DH remained stoic. We pulled ourselves together and somehow managed to head in to work and work full days.

I went online and started reading about miscarriages, about "missed miscarriages" and about the process of miscarrying. I know you can miscarry naturally, or you can take the pills that essentially make you labor the embryo out, or you can have a D&C. I decided pretty early that I wanted the D&C and I really wanted to call my OB doctor and get something scheduled right away, but unfortunately, my OB doctor doesn’t work on Mondays and I was too emotional to call and try to explain myself to the receptionist. I already had an appointment set with my OB doctor for the very next morning, so again, I waited.

Later that night one of the doctors from my OB doctor's office called me because she had received the results of my ultrasound. She told me that the embryo had measured at 9 or 10 weeks and that she usually recommends to HER patients that if the embryo is larger than 8 weeks, that they get a D&C. If they try to miscarry naturally or by using the pills that make you have contractions, that it can be very painful and very bloody. She knew that I had an appointment with my OB doctor the very next morning, so we decided I'd discuss all the pros and cons with my OB doctor then.

I was worried about the potential side-effects of a D&C, even though they are rare. But seeing my little embryo on the ultrasound screen, so very still, was hard enough and I knew that I did not want to have to pass it and see it and figure out what to do with it. Every time I went to the bathroom I would bleed clots and be just terrified that I was going to find my little embryo. I knew I wanted a D&C. DH agreed. Later that night I went online and read everyone's D&C and other miscarriage experiences on JustMommies. People seemed pretty traumatized, but it still made me lean towards the D&C.

The next morning we headed to my previously-scheduled doctor's appointment. I had read online that if you have a D&C they put you under general anesthesia, so I didn't have anything to eat or drink that morning. I was hopeful that they would somehow be able to get me in that same day. My OB doctor came in and we discussed everything and she got an appointment all set up for me with an OB/GYN specialist in one hour's time. So, DH and I headed downtown to her office and met with her right away.

She was super cool and we talked it all out and she was able to squeeze me in at the end of the day for the procedure. She warned us that she might not be able to get to me until like 8pm, but we had to go to the hospital and check in at 2:00pm anyway, so to be prepared for a long wait.

So, we went home for an hour or two. Since I hadn't told anyone I was even pregnant, but was about to go under general anesthesia, I wanted to call my dad and my mom and tell them what was up. They were both wonderful, of course. My mom even had a D&C about 20 years ago because she used to get fibroids that caused very heavy periods and D&Cs are used to treat that, too. DH and I both called in sick to work (no one at work knew I was pregnant, so they just assumed I had the flu).

We got checked-in at the hospital at 2:00pm and sat down in the waiting area. We waited until 3:30 and a check-in nurse finally came and took us back to the room where you change into your gown and your little socks and they go over your medical history and have you sign all the consent forms and releases. They wanted a urine sample, a blood sample, and took my blood pressure. Everyone around us was taken off one by one to surgery, but I was an "add-on" to the surgery schedule, so I was last. At about 4:30 the surgery check-in area where we were sitting in our little curtained room closed, so they moved us to another area, and we sat there until 7:00pm! I have no idea how we managed to pass the time, but time did not really seem to be dragging. DH and I just chit-chatted and tried not to think about how hungry and thirsty I was and what was happening and about to happen. DH held my hand and rubbed my arms and was totally wonderful and attentive. We watched the nurses going about their business and stayed pretty well entertained. I had a recliner to sit in and the nurses brought me warm blankets and apologized that it was taking so long (even though I knew it was going to).

They FINALLY took us upstairs to the pre-surgery area and had me lay down on one of those gurney beds on wheels. They covered me with this air-mattress that was connected to a hot air hose, so it was toasty warm. Then a nurse came and went over all my information again. Then the anesthesiologist came over and started my IV in my hand and they hung a bag of electrolyte water and had the entire bag drip into my IV within about ten minutes! Probably because it was now 7:30pm and I hadn't eaten or drank anything since 9pm the night before. Then the surgical nurse came over and introduced himself and went over all my information again. Then finally my doctor came in from doing another surgery. We were concerned about getting my pain pills since it was so late at night, so she called the prescription down to the hospital pharmacy (which stays open until 9pm) and DH got to go pick them up while I was in surgery. Another thing I was worried about was that I was still wearing my underwear because I had to have a pad on. I warned my doctor about it before we went in and she said that was just fine, they would have me slip them off when we got to the surgery room, and put them in a plastic bag.

I said my goodbyes to my DH, who teared up, but had errands to run and knew the procedure would only take about 20 minutes. Then the doctor, anesthesiologist, and two nurses all wheeled me down never-ending hallways back to the surgery room where the clock said 8:00. They had me move over to the surgery bed, which had a crack in the middle, so I knew the end part broke away and stirrups popped out, but I didn't have to see the bed be broken down, I didn’t have to see any stirrups, and I didn’t have to see the D&C suction machine. They spoke very calmly and kindly to me. They had me lay back and put my arms out (so they could monitor the IV on the left, and the blood pressure cuff on the right). The last thing I remember was having a gas mask over my face and hearing my doctor telling me to breathe and within about 1.5 seconds I was OUT. I really found it very non-traumatic. Though I did think it was strange that I had two male nurses and a male anesthesiologist all there for a vaginal procedure - I'm glad my actual doctor was a woman at least! But really, they all put me so at ease, every single person I came in contact with throughout the day was so incredibly wonderful - they were kind, attentive, gave me way more information than I needed (and I love information and always have lots of questions, so that's really impressive). You hear horror stories about hospitals and hospital experiences, but I am very happy with the level of care I received and the kindness of every single person I encountered that day.

Next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room and I saw a clock that said 8:30. I was surrounded on 2 sides with curtains and could see there were lots of other post-op patients behind their little curtains everywhere, too. Everyone had their own nurse attending to them; mine was tucking a pad between my legs and saying she was concerned that I was still bleeding too much. I cried when I first woke up, knowing it was all over and my little embryo was gone, but then I was fine. One thing I was very anxious about was the anesthesia - usually when I come off of it, my body gets really shaky and my skin gets all creepy-crawly and I am really uncomfortable and just miserable. But this time I had no shakes, no creepy-crawlies, no nausea, my mind was alert, and I felt like I had just woke up from a nap. Then I heard my post-op nurse on the phone telling another nurse my entire medical history and by 9:00 they were wheeling me out of there and off to my own little room where DH was waiting. I got into my new bed and had a new nurse who said I could spend the night since it was so late, but I felt well enough and just wanted to go home. So, the rules were that I had to drink water, go to the bathroom, eat some food, walk around the hallways without feeling faint, and make sure all my vitals were good, and make sure I wasn’t bleeding too much. So, we ordered a grilled cheese sandwich and strawberry milkshake from the late-night hospital cafeteria (which my DH ran down to pick up, to save us a lot of time), I chugged the water that was left for me because I hadn't had a drink in 24 hours and I love water. Then I was able to go to the bathroom – The nurse sent me into the bathroom with a little goodie-bag that had disposable underwear, several pads, and a package of wipes. So I was able to put on my little disposable undies with a fresh pad and use the wipes to clean myself up. I had to pee into a little container that was inserted in the toilet, so they could measure my output.

I came out of the bathroom and DH arrived with my grilled cheese and shake – which I devoured and then we took a walk around the halls to prove I could walk without fainting. I was still bleeding, but apparently passing the other tests meant I could go. I changed back into my street clothes and within an hour we were on our way home.

I had been bleeding and cramping for 4 full days by the time I had my D&C and had been pretty uncomfortable and scared. That discomfort and trauma, and then reading the other D&C stories, I expected to feel even worse AFTER the D&C, but as it turned out I've only felt very faint cramps and the bleeding has been a little lighter than a typical period (and now I'm not worried that I'm going to pass my little embryo, I can just bleed and know that I'm healing). The doctor said the bleeding should last about a week and that as soon as I stop bleeding I can resume all activities, and I only need to call if I have any signs of infection. Then I have a follow-up with her in two weeks. My doctor said it should take 3-6 weeks to have a normal period again after the D&C bleeding stops and that we can start trying again after that. We might wait two months, though, we'll decide when the time comes.

I wound up only taking one pain pill the night of the surgery, but I don't think I needed it. I took the next day off of work, but I feel I could've gone in to work if it weren't for needing the day off emotionally. It's now the third night post D&C and I'm enjoying a glass of wine for the first time in three months. I also ate tuna fish this week for the first time in a long time. I have a list of things I want to do around the house that I didn't want to do while pregnant, that should get me through the next month or two before we start trying again. I must say beer/wine/tuna/etc have all lost their luster. I would far rather still be pregnant. I'm a pretty pragmatic person, but it is still hard letting go of the hopes and expectations we had already built up.

Since we hadn't told many people we were pregnant, we haven't had to deal with having to tell everyone the bad news. Instead we have told just a few people closest to us who we know will be supportive. I am glad that I didn't get other people's hopes up, only to have to dash their hopes, too. But I do notice that friends of mine who are now getting pregnant and telling the whole world right away – I get a little jealous of how optimistic and open they are being. I don't know if I will want to celebrate my next pregnancy early out of wanting to share the joy with others (since I didn't get to this time), or if I will want to wait even longer out of fear.

Anyway, sorry this is so long, but I think the D&C was a good option for me, though I can totally understand how many women would prefer to do things more naturally.

Best wishes to any/all who read this!

Emmy77

***UPDATE***
I wondered about the recovery process and now I've experienced it, so thought I'd add that on. So, the bleeding lasted one full week, a lot like a period. Then the next two weeks I had yucky black clumpy (sorry) spotting - I thought it would never end and it really started to get emotionally draining. But finally after 3 full weeks all bleeding and spotting stopped. At this point I also finally got a negative HPT. My doctor said, "Good, that means you'll probably ovulate in about a week and then have a period about 2 weeks after that." And she was right (well, not sure if I ovulated, but period came 3 weeks later). So this was a 6 week (45 day) cycle.

My next cycle I didn't chart or anything, we just NTNP and didn't pay much attention. I didn't have any spotting or pain or anything abnormal. I had several episodes of EWCM, but again, I wasn't really paying attention. I don't know when or if I ovulated, but I waited and waited and waited and FINALLY got my next period after 45 days.

I was frustrated by these long cycles, so I went researching it (lots of sites say it's perfectly normal for your body to take a long time to regulate back to normal, so that's cool, but I'm impatient), I read that Acupuncture can help regulate cycles and have other fertility benefits, so I found a local Acupuncturist who specializes in fertility and started seeing her on day 3 of my cycle. I wound up ovulating on day 18 of that cycle (about 2 weeks sooner than I would have the previous cycle) and got a BFP on day 28. So of course I am now a huge fan of Acupuncture, if you're daring enough to try it (my insurance covers it). It *could* have just been that my body figured it out by then, but I think the assistance helped a lot. We'll see if this bean sticks...

Best of luck and quick healing to you.