[EverydayJoy]

I just got home yesterday from the hospital. A week ago (Sunday) I had started bleeding, went to the ER and they found the baby but no heartbeat. The ultrasound report said fetal demise. I went home to try to pass it naturally, I really didn't want a D&C. Part of me was in denial and wanted to give lil baby a chance in case those doctors were wrong.
Tuesday night I started bleeding in earnest, so I closed myself in the bathroom (not telling hubby anything) to be alone in the moment. I couldn't get off the toilet without dripping blood so I stayed there. Finally I felt I should tell DH. He said to put on a pad to measure how much I was bleeding, since they say no more than 1 pad an hour. Well it turned out to be about 1 pad a minute. He is an EMT, so right away he whisked me and our 2 year old son into the car and drove like a maniac to the nearest hospital.
In the ER they got me in a room right away, I had put one of my son's diapers on to hold the bleeding until then and in the 5 minutes it took to get to the hospital the blood was already running down my leg.
In the room they got an IV line started in my arm and got me into a hospital gown. Just a few minutes later I told hubby I was feeling woozy. He ran for the nurse and she ran in, I guess I was going into shock from lack of blood. They started me on IV fluids right away and lowered the head of my bed, and within minutes I started to come around again. Pretty quickly they got me in for an emergency D&C, and I woke up in recovery about 45 minutes later. They were successful in controlling the bleeding. They kept me overnight and then sent me home.
That night I started getting chest pains, so we went back to the hospital. Turns out I'd developed a blood clot in my lung. I stayed another 2 days and now I will be on blood thinners for 6 months. Blood thinners can be fatal to growing babies so I can't try for another one till after that. That makes me sad, I wanted to try again ASAP. Also DH and I can't be intimate for 6 weeks, and that's hard because I feel like it would bring me some comfort to be close to him that way.

I'm still taking in everything. I've cried some, but in some ways I think it still hasn't hit me fully. Little things make me sad, like cancelling our first prenatal checkup or thinking that I won't have to make a trip to the mall for maternity pants after all. Putting my new (bigger) bra away for next pregnancy. Realizing I can take Advil now or other things you're supposed to avoid during pregnancy. Thinking how I'm sad for our son that he won't have a new sibling after all, at least not now. Wishing I could have seen my little baby to say goodbye. I really wanted to see him or her...but that was not an option. Also I feel like I'm going to be really nervous next time around whereas before I wasn't really worried about losing a baby. You never think it could happen to you, until it does.

Hugs to all you who have gone through this.