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I have decided to share my story in hopes that it will help others who are going through this experience and to help in my healing.
On July 14th, 2006, my husband and I had decided that we would go out to dinner. I was really craving a margarita, so I decided to take a HPT to see if I might be able to indulge in one drink. The previous week I had been cramping, just like I do before I get my period, so I was sure it was going to come back negative. After all, it was our first month trying and there is no way it would be that easy. Well, curious, a faint positive result. Still was very skeptical, but decided to just stick with water for the evening. Each day, a new test and each test brought a darker line until I was finally convinced I was pregnant. Wow, so exciting, but we were so scared at the same time. So many people close to me have had m/c and I was terrified. I couldn't fully be happy, because I just knew something was going to happen. We only told our parents and siblings and told them to keep their mouths shut to the rest of the family until I had my first appointment at 8 weeks on August 14th.
My SIL is an OB/GYN, who is NOT my doctor, but is such a blessing to have her. She had me come into her office when I was 6 1/2 weeks to do an ultrasound and a blood test for my piece of mind. I got a little picture of my grain of rice and my HCG levels were awesome. I felt so much better and was letting myself get a little excited, although I was still having mild AF like cramps the whole time. When I got back to the office that day, I started looking at other 6 1/2 week ultrasounds on the web. Mine seemed a little small to me, but just thought that she didn't zoom in as far as she could have.
The big day arrived, August 14, 2006. I was going to see my baby again and hopefully the heartbeat. My husband and I arrived 10 minutes early with huge smiles on our faces. Little did we know what was to come. We were taken back to an exam room where the nurse asked a series of typical questions and then my doctor came in to do the physical exam. He then took us down to the ultrasound room and there is where our dreams came crashing down. The first scan he did was on my belly, he could see the sack, but not much else. Then he did a transvaginal ultrasound, because he thought he could get a better picture. There was the baby, definitely had grown since our last picture, but was way too small to be 8 weeks. He said that it measured about 6 weeks 5 days. We knew exactly when I ovulated and seeing as how high my HCG numbers were a few weeks ago, something was wrong. He wanted us to come back the next day when they would have an ultrasound specialist in, so she could run the scan again. We still harbored a little hope, but I knew in my heart it was over. I gave my husband a hug and we left in separate cars. I was trying so hard to be strong for him and not cry. Most of the way back to work, I was okay, but then made a detour and headed to my parent's house. At that point the tears were pouring and there was no point in trying to stop them. I called to see if my mom was home, but she had just left. Hearing the tears in my voice she turned around immediately and met me at their house. I couldn't verbalize what had just happened, I didn't need to, I just cried in her arms. By that point my husband was trying to call me, I told him where I was and he came over. We all just sat there.
The next day wasn't any better. We went in and the ultrasound tech said the same thing. My doctor came in and we discussed what was going on and he said there was an 80% chance that the pregnancy would not continue. He wanted to do another scan in one week to see if anything had changed. At that point, if I really was only 6 weeks 5 days, the baby should be 8 weeks and there would be no question. That night we just sad on the couch and held each other. My heart broke seeing my rock cry as he said, "That was my baby.” Still brings me to tears just thinking about the sorrow in his face. The next week was so difficult, I felt emotionally numb and the limbo was excruciating. Everyday I would pray that it would take care of itself naturally. Still, no heavy cramping or bleeding.
August 22, 2006, we went in for our "confirmation" appointment. I wanted to hit all the pregnant women in the room. I know that is bad, but I just couldn't help it. We went in for the scan and the same thing. Though the doctor didn't tell us, I could tell on the screen that the baby was starting to "fall apart" (for lack of a better term). He said that by the looks of my uterus it could still be two weeks before a natural miscarriage were to take place. This is not something that I could handle. I told him that I would like to schedule a D&C for that Friday. Though we all would prefer for it to happen naturally, we knew it was better for me psychologically to have the D&C. I just couldn't handle waking up everyday wondering if this would be the day, after all, it had already been a few weeks since the baby had stopped growing and no signs of a natural miscarriage yet.
We arrived at the hospital at 10:30 am on Friday, August 25th. I filled out all the paper work, but starred at the "Are you pregnant?" question for at least 10 minutes. How do I answer that? Finally I asked the lady checking me in and she said to just leave it bland. Think she was a little embarrassed, because she didn't know what to tell me. I got to my room about 11:00 with both set of our parents by our side. The nurse was really nice and tried to lighten the mood. They started my IV and there we sat for the next hour and a half. Though, it really didn't seem like that long. My SIL showed up around 12:30 when the wheeled me to the "holding room". She was going to go in the operating room with the doctor and hold my hand. My doctor showed up around 12:45 and talked to me and my family for a few minutes about what would take place, etc. Then they gave me a shot of something and I started to drift away. I made it to the operating room and I remember them asking me to change beds. The last thing I remember is saying, "Wow, it (the bed) has a little impression for my butt." Brilliant statement Lindsay, lol. The next thing I remember is my SIL feeding me ice chips around 1:45. They wheeled me back into my room at that point. Apparently I was crying, which I do remember, and the nurses at the nurse's station asked why I was crying. How rude! My SIL said to them "This is not the time." The nurse that was helping wheel me back quietly said to them, "she just had a D&C." I hope that made them feel bad. I was still a little groggy for the next few minutes, but then realized that I had to go to the bathroom. The 3 "goals" that they gave me before I got to leave were to drink water without being nauseous, go the bathroom and empty my bladder and have a pain level below 5 on a scale of 1-10. I was in no pain at all and by 2:45 pm I was headed home. All and all, the hospital really was excellent.
I really feel like this was the best decision for me, thought it is still early in the process. I had no pain and hardly any bleeding the rest of Friday. On Saturday afternoon, I started to cramp a bit and it continued through Monday. Monday it was pretty bad, but not bad enough to take the prescription pain medication they gave me. I did start bleeding a bit on Monday and am still bleeding as of today, but not enough to soak a pad a day, if I were not to change them. The worst part is not being able to wear a tampon, but it will be over soon enough.
Now, I am really feeling at peace with “why” it happened, though obviously still very sad about the loss. We are going to give it a few months and hopefully be back in that doctor’s office in celebration by the end of the year. I feel very optimistic about our next pregnancy.
Sorry for the long windedness, but it felt really good to get it out.
Update - 10/11/06
Well, I still think that the D&C was the best choice for me, but it has not been without it's share of "fun". Everybody's body handles these things differently, mine just decided to have a little fun with me. I guess. I pretty much bled for 3 weeks, spotted for 2 after that. My body is so screwy right now. It is just so hard, because I am used to such a normal cycle. At a little over 6 1/2 weeks past the D&C, I seem to be completely "clear" in that area, just waiting on good 'ol AF now. So, for those of you that are worried about bleeding after a D&C, you are more than welcome to contact me with any questions you may have. It has been no picnic, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Update - 12/1/2006
Wow, what a road. November 26, 2006 I started my first AF after the D&C. It has definately given me time to heal, though frustrated through it all. We are waiting one more cycle before TTC again.
Update - 4/6/2007
Well, after what seemed like the longest and hardest journey of my life, we are PG again!!! I got my positive test on my birthday, March 13th. What a present?! The most terrifying experience was my U/S on April 3rd, but guess what...we have a heartbeat! I am still a ways from safety, but feel so good. There is hope for us all.