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Long story short, I started spotting. It started out light and brown, and I heard it a million times: that it was normal, and that I had nothing to worry about. Still worried me, though. Sure enough, on December 27 (a Saturday), I started bleeding, an actual bright red color. I immediately called my mom, and she came and took me to the ER. My boyfriend came out and met up with me there. I was there for 7 hours - they tested my hormone levels and did two ultrasounds, an abdominal and a transvaginal. My hormone levels were dropping and they couldn't find a heartbeat and didn't see any movement. Eventually they told me they saw two gestational sacs and that I was miscarrying, that I just hadn't passed the tissue. That was my first time finding out it was twins. After that, they sent us home.
The next two days, my bleeding got a little heavier, my cramps got progressively worse. On Monday night, they were unbearable. I can't remember ever going through that kind of pain in my life, not even when I tore a knee ligament when I was a teenager. Before I fell asleep that night (I have no idea HOW, I was in so much pain) I said a prayer, apologized to my babies, and hoped for everything to just happen as quickly as possible because at that point I knew I'd be passing everything very soon after that. Tuesday morning I woke up around 6 and the blood was coming heavy. I got up to use the restroom, and ended up sitting on the toilet for an hour, just passing everything and PRAYING. When I finally got off the toilet, my face felt cold and clammy and I felt like I was going to die. So I went to the doctor, and later that day the blood got less and less. But I was completely sapped of my energy and couldn't do ANYTHING.
Since then the bleeding has tapered. It's more like a normal period now. Every once in a while, I'll feel little twinges in my belly, but definitely nothing like the cramps I experienced last week. I don't know if labor pains feel like that, but I remember feeling cheated - all those pains for nothing. I felt horrible.
Emotionally, I've gone from one end of the spectrum to the other. One minute I'll feel okay, the next something will remind me and I'll cry. Late last week, I was watching King of Queens and it just so happened that she lost the baby in that episode. I couldn't stop crying for a while after that. And I've had what I can only describe as separation anxiety from my belly - right before the miscarriage I had just started to pop and I was completely attached...sometimes I like down at my belly and get this awful, lonely feeling. But I'm okay with mourning it all, with the fact that I'm not okay right now and that it's going to take a while to heal. I'm okay with crying when I have to. Sometimes my boyfriend and I talk about trying for more babies in the future and sometimes we can't handle thinking about having any. But I've had so many people come through for me that I know I'm going to be alright.
For those of you going through this or who have gone through it before, I'm praying for you.
Our time together was much too short...but you will always be in my heart... For my twins - December 30, 2008