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Wednesday October 19th I would have been exactly 11 weeks. I knew this because we were trying. I'd been charting so I could literally tell the doctor the day our baby was conceived.
October 5th - 9 weeks
I went in to meet my new OB and have a pelvic exam done. The NP told me my uterus felt about right for 8-10 weeks. She decided to try to find the heartbeat for me at that time. She told me since I was pretty small that sometimes they could hear it at that stage if it was in the right place. After my exam she told me my uterus was tilted back so we may not be able to hear it. She said "now don't freak out if we can't find it yet that's normal". So needless to say we didn't find anything but she said everything else looked great. My symptoms had started to disappear so I mentioned it to her. She said Oh you should be starting to level out by now so it's fine.
October 19th - 11 weeks
Driving to work at about 6:45am I started to feel some period like cramps. I wouldn't call them severe although now I'm wondering if I was delusional. My doctor had told me mild cramping throughout my pregnancy was normal, especially since this was my first. So being the google junkie I am I googled "cramps at 11 weeks pregnant" everything said that was pretty normal as long as they weren't severe. Ok, I said, stop freaking out Carissa. Everything is fine you've had no issues, you're healthy, you've been doing everything perfectly don't worry yourself.
I go to the bathroom and find brown blood on my underwear. I think to myself well that's crazy I know I put clean underwear on. (I know that sounds gross but I was still do delusional I thought it must be a pair that had accidently landed back in my drawer from months ago before I was pregnant. Did anyone else do that?) So I wipe and realized that no it's definitely from that morning. It finally dawns on me that while I was cramping I must have been bleeding as well. I checked to see how much bleeding was going on at that point and it was very minimal.
I really had until this point a relatively problem free pregnancy, minimal symptoms, no spotting at all. Now I'm thinking maybe the lack of symptoms should have sent up a red flag.
So I put in a call to my doctor. You always have to leave a message and then a nurse has 24 hours to get back to you. The nurse called 1.5 hours later (which felt like days) and asked me a crap ton of questions. Did you have intercourse recently? No. Did you have a UTI? No. Did you experience anything else that may have caused bleeding? No. What color? Brown. Cramping? Yes very mild.
So she says she'll talk to my nurse and get back to me.
My NP calls back and says well let's go ahead and get you in, we'll try to find a heartbeat and then go from there. So I call DH and tell him not to panic, everything I've read says that brown blood is normal. My cramps were pretty well gone at this point and the brown/mucous discharge had stopped. So I say to him, this will be great we can hear the heartbeat early and maybe get to see our jellybean with an ultrasound. (Our first u/s was scheduled for 12 weeks which would have been a week later). At the time I wasn't at all thinking I wanted him there in case we got bad news. I really was positive everything was fine. I really wanted him there to hear the HB with me.
Check in at the hospital for my appointment at 2:30.
STILL WAITING. I ask the receptionist how much longer she thinks it might be. I mean this is kind of important don't you think? About 5 minutes later a nurse comes out and takes us back. She says well I didn't even realized you all were out there. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Anyway, she takes my weight tosses us into a room (literally like shows us the room and tells me to pee in a cup). I look at DH and say um was she going to show me where the cups were??
Nurse #2 enters with the doppler. DH makes a comment to me later "did she come from the 7-11 down the road or what" she was completely disorganized and twitching as though she was on drugs. She searches for the heart beat, nothing. She says well sometimes it's hard to find at this point so we'll send you for an ultrasound.
Nurse #1 comes back in and asks, did she take your BP, pulse, test your urine? I say no. So she does. (Can I add that she was taking notes on a paper towel not on my chart) I have a gut feeling after she can't find the HB that this is bad. My BP is way up 120/62 (which is very high for me when it's normally 106-110). Nurse #1 says did she find a HB? I say no. She says well you are skinny she should have been able to hear it. Um you ARE NOT helping.
So we are shuffled off to ultrasound. The tech tries the external u/s at first with no luck. So she uses the vaginal ultrasound. She turns the computer at this point so I can't see it. WTH? She immediately blurts out "well I don't see a baby". Man they should teach you how to approach that a little better. I had JUST told her I was POSITIVE I knew my ovulation date. She said she could see a sac and it looked to be about 7w4d. I knew this was wrong. All wrong. I went numb, I couldn't even speak. I avoided eye contact with DH because I knew we would both break down.
We're sent in to wait for yet another nurse. Nurse #3 comes in and tells us she's sorry but you are miscarrying. She calls it a blighted ovum. Because I guess that's supposed to make me feel better right? Don't insult me and tell me that it wasn't a baby, it's was life. A tiny life that DH and I planned and dreamt about. We had baby clothes already hanging in the closet waiting for our little jellybean to arrive. I'd made arrangements at work etc. So it was a life to us, our baby's life.
They took my blood to test HcG levels, gave me my options, natural, pill or D&C and sent me out the door.
I'd still not started to officially lose the baby yet so we were both in a bit of denial and shock.
October 20 - Day 1 of MC
4:30am I wake up to medium period like bleeding. No clots yet, no tissue, it's just odd. I feel like I'm on my period and I'm competely disgusted that my body is doing this. I lay awake realizing at this point that it's really over.
Bleeding stops by the time I get up and shower. No calls from the Dr. on my HcG levels.
October 21st - Day 2 of MC
6:30am I wake up bleeding again like the day before. Not heavy, no cramps really just period like bleeding.
I take a shower and I sneeze, I'm not sure if the force of the sneeze caused me to pass a clot or what it was but I see a small round object start to float toward the drain. It may have been 1/2 an inch in size. I scramble, I'm not sure why but I want to stop it and see what it is. I don't move fast enough. In that instant I literally feel like I just rinsed my baby down the shower drain. I'm not sure that's what it was, it may have been a clot. But suddenly I feel so guilty and disgusted with myself.
The bleeding slows down and I head off to get my last blood draw.
So here I am. I'm still bleeding but nothing crazy. I keep wondering if that was it or if I'm still carrying my dead baby.
I'm feeling broken, empty, sad, angry, guilty, confused, numb, and lastly hopeful that we will have a baby someday that will stay with us forever. I'm not sure when I will sleep a full night, eat a full meal, or function like a normal human again so for now I'll just pet the dog and stare at the wall until these overwhelming feelings of guilt and sadness leave me. I feel guilty drinking a giant glass of regular coffee right now because all I really want is a nice cup of decaf because that would mean my baby was still growing.