Log In Sign Up

Courtney


Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Natural Miscarriage Experiences LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
October 17th, 2012, 08:45 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1
Today is October 17, 2012, and in a week I will be 27. My boyfriend and I are fully committed to each other, and someday I know he will ask me to be his wife. I love him with my everything. The timing is just a tiny bit off because he is finishing up paramedic school and that is demanding and stressful and I am in a dead end job as a Pharmacy Technician with dreams of moving to a job with a salary and hours that would be conducive to me going back to college to be a nurse. Needless to say, becoming pregnant this summer was not exactly on our "to-do" list right now. I felt different almost immediately and I knew I was pregnant before the test gave me the positive sign. I thought I would be terrified and think of all the reasons why it was bad timing and all of that but I didn't. I was just happy. I wanted this and I felt like it was right and good and mine and meant to be and blessed.

But from there I made many mistakes. I had always heard not to announce until between 8 and 12 weeks so I told no one. No one. Not even my boyfriend. This was a big, giant, terrible mistake. Why didn't I tell him? We are partners? He would have been happy. I know this, in hindsight. And why didn't I tell my mom? She is my best friend. I am VERY close to her. I just felt SO protective of the whole thing for some reason.

Two steps back, a tiny back story on me: I have lupus and arthritis and a condition called ehlers-Danlos syndrome that causes your joints to be loose and unstable within their sockets and hyperextend or come out of place or grind etc. I have been on medications for those issues as well as ulcers and insomnia from those problems and muscle relaxants for the tremors, restless legs and muscle shocks/spasms from lupus. I stopped all of that which meant I was pretty miserable feeling but I didn't care.

Anyway, I had just made my appointment with my OB/GYN (who was shocked since he had seen my for my first ever gyno appointment just after my 16th birthday when I had been raped. We bonded over both of us having BRACES on our teeth at the time... He said he feels so old that I was all grown up now) and he was going to see me at week 9 but then I had him fit me in during week 8, we both decided we couldn't wait to hear the heartbeat!

About 2 days later, on August 24th while I was at work I started to feel really dizzy so I grabbed something to eat. I have a bad habit of forgetting to eat and going to long and getting run down. I made a mental note that I could NOT do that anymore. The dizziness was immediately better but just as quickly replaced with intense cramps that came in waves so bad that I could barely stand up straight. I was thanking God that it was 6pm and I got off work at 7 because the pain was bad. I kept trying to stretch to get it to ease but it was no use. Nothing helped. My boss took pity on me and sent me home 25 minutes early.

When I got there, I did my usual routine of changing out of my scrubs and into yoga pants and while I was switching I bent over in pain and I guess I had been bleeding some but at that point it went Texas chainsaw massacre and bled so badly I had blood coming through my underwear and thighs and I was able to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I knew what was happening and sunk onto the floor... I don't even know how long I laid there crying and bleeding and wishing God took me too and wishing I had someone to share my grief with then hating myself for being so selfish. It's such a cycle.

It took me a while to tell my boyfriend. He didn't understand why I didn't tell him from the beginning and I don't have an answer to that. It took me even longer to tell anyone else... I finally broke down and told my mom. I needed her to lean on. But nothing really helps this part of me that is missing now. I've told a few friends. They try to be there and to understand. Most can't. I would never ever want them to have to. I have anxiety attacks and I cry. I feel like I'm getting weaker instead of stronger. Afraid I won't be whole again.

At first I didn't tell anyone, but now I'm telling you in hopes that it may help. I feel every emotional nerve in my body is exposed to the elements and not in a good way.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
2012 , august 24

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:56 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0