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It seems so strange that I am here. I have barely begun to post here at JM and I was only 6 weeks pregnant. But yet here I am in the loss forums.
This is such a strange experience because miscarriage is one of those things that you kinda always think happens to other people, not to you. And mine has been one heck of an emotional roller coaster.
Last Wednesday (Nov. 1) I started spotty bleeding, heavy enough to make me wear a pad. My hubby and I went to the ER and my HCG level was at 850. Too low to be able to do an ultrasound so the ER doctors could only say that they were assuming I was starting to have a miscarriage but didn't know for sure. So they refered me to the OB/GYN.
2 days later (Nov. 3) I went in and my HCG level had gone down to 750. This really confused the doc because it just hadn't gone down enough for them to be able to say for sure that I was having a miscarriage but that he was pretty sure that's what was happening. So they scheduled me to go back on Monday (Nov. 6) to test again.
By this point I just kinda knew what my body was doing, just like I knew I was pregnant before I took the HPT. I could just tell and didn't need a doctor to tell me so. So Hubby and I went home and started to deal with it. We grieved and cried and called family and freinds and got all of the hard stuff over with so that we could just be together and figure out how we are going to move on from this.
And after all that I went back on Monday and took the test again. My HCG level had shot up to 1570 over the weekend. And I kept thinking to myself I should be happy, but I wasn't, I was frustrated and confused and I just wanted a straight flippin' answer. So they did an ultrasound and the doctor saw a gestational sack sitting there in my uterus nice and happy right where it should be. And there was that stupid little ray of hope that I found myself really not wanting, because I had dealt with this, I was ready to move on. And even while the doctor was smiling he was pressing upon me the fact that there was no garantee that this was still a viable pregnancy and that I could still continue to miscarry.
So I went back yesterday and tested again. And just like I knew it would my number was down to 594. The nurse says to me, "Well Monday could have either been your bodies last ditch attempt to make it work, or it was lab error." *sigh* I'm just glad that it's over now, I'm glad that I finally have a straight answer. I've been bleeding steadly since Friday and I really feel like things are progressing just the way they should be. I just really wish there wasn't so much guesswork involved in this kind of thing. It's emotional enough without the doubts.
And I'm very much looking for to the next couple of months when Hubby and I will start trying again.
Sara ~ I am so terribly sorry for your current situation & the impending m/c. Waiting for it to finally happen is the hardest part, isn't it? I want you to know that you & your DH are in my thoughts & prayers. We have a wonderful board full of very supportive women ready to carry you through your grief. I would love to invite you over to the main board of pregnancy loss so that you can receive it. Again, I am terribly sorry & my heart aches for you.
Thank you Astrid. I don't even really know you and your words mean so much. I wasn't sure which forum I should start in so I just choose this one and thought I would go from there. I really appreciate the support and the welcome.