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I just been reading the stories in this section, and was brought to tears so i have decided to add my own. Finally some people who may just understand what i have been through
Me and my partner have only just been together 3 months today. We are both single parents with 2 children a piece. I have bad reactions to condoms of all sorts, but i am always careful with my pill and with having sex, so when i fell pregnant the first time we had sex, i was totally in shock. It took a while to come to terms with the fact i was pregnant, well more him than me, I am a very maternal person, and loved my little blob immediately. i found out the first week in january, i was 4 and half weeks. Everything was ok, i had raging sickness and sore boobs, the works, i was getting close to being able to tell my children. then i one day, I had a brown discharge, it turned pink for a few hours, i knew something wasnt right, i was 8 weeks and 3 days at this point, i phoned EPU i was seen the next day.
I had a scan done, and to my delight, my baby was there on the screen, its heart beat as big as it was, i fell totally in love. I was sent away with the knowledge that everything was fine, baby looked fine the midwives had told me, bleeding was normal to some women.
So when i had another bleed about 4 days later, i didnt panick too much. My partner was finally getting excited about baby after weeks of not being able to get used to it. Valentines day dawned, and my life fell apart, i suddenly was able to eat, and drink coffee, and wasnt exausted. Because by this point i was nearly 10 weeks i just presumed that it was settling down. Then i went to the toilet and spotting was bright red, and heavy. I phoned EPU back and was arranged to come back the next morning for another scan. The spotting stopped, but in my heart i knew something was wrong.
When we went to hospital, another scan, showed the sack, but they couldnt see baby, i had to have an internal scan, and this showed the baby, totally perfect, but no heartbeat. It had died within a day of the scan a week previous.
My heart broke there and then, i couldnt stop the tears. I was given options of what to do next, I decided to go for a natural miscarriage, i still couldnt go through with surgery. The next few days were a blur. I phoned monday and told the EPU i had changed my mind i wanted the surgery. I was asked to go up wed for paper work to get d & c on the thurs, tuesday night however, my body had decided at long last to do it itself, the pain was awful, tramadol couldnt touch it, i felt like i was in labour. i was alone, my partner had his 2 children in his house and it was l;ate at night. eventually at 4am i was able to settle down, after about 7 hours of pad changes every 20-30 mins, and pain.
I woke up in the morning having to get my children ready for the school, i went to toilet. and my baby was laying in my sack.
According to midwive i was very unlucky, because of the amount of time it had taken, all the clots had came away and the pregnancy sack was all that was left. I sat on toilet and cryed my eyes out, i didnt know what to do, i ended up flushing my baby down the toilet, and my heart broke completely.
I kept my appointment at EPU that day, the scanned me and told me it was all gone. I was signed off and told to phone 2 weeks later with a pregnancy test result. my bleeding settled and everything was ok. I still had the odd day where i felt so lost without knowing baby was inside me. I coped knowing i had 2 beautiful children already.
This weekend, it was all brough back, its been nearly 4 weeks since miscarriage now, and 6 days ago i ended up in hospital after a bleed so severe, i was not able to move from toilet, i soaked clothing underwear, i looked like a child who had wet themselves, but it was blood, worst of all they have no real idea what it was. It stopped after 2 hrs, completely.
Nearly a month on, i suddenly am starting to realise what i lost, and i cant understand why it happened to me, I miscarried 6 months ago, and that baby's due date would have been 5th april, 2 babies in less than 6 months i lost, and my partner has now said as much as he would have stood by me with baby, he doesnt want us to try again ever. I love my partner, but i dont think he understands what a gap it has left with me. such is life i suppose. this may change in time.
how do you recover from this, thats what i want to know, with no hope of another.