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Emma's Story


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October 28th, 2007, 01:22 PM
home4mygirl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2,118
<div align="center">I posted this before in my DDC and also on this board. I'm just going to copy and paste the original post because I never posted it in this sticky.

I truly offer my sincerest condolences to others who are reading this and are preparing for their own angel birth, and for those who have experienced it already. I hope, in some way, this helps you as reading others' stories has helped me. It is a horribly heartbreaking time to go through (at times unbearably so), and hearing about others who have been through the same thing seems to help.

My prayers for your physical and emotional healing. May God give you both strength and peace.

Emma
</div>

Hi Guys - I posted this in Feb DDC too, but wanted to update you all too since you have give me so much support here as well.

Most of you probably remember me from about a week ago when I posted that when we went for a routine midwife visit, there was no heartbeat. We went for an ultrasound and discovered that the baby had died around 13-14 weeks. The doctor didn't know why - everything seemed normal except for the heartbeat.

We had decided to wait for a natural miscarriage instead of opting for a D&C. Some people think this is odd, but, for us, it was the right decision since we are mostly "natural" parents and were going to have a home birth anyway. We found out the thursday before last that there was no heartbeat and were waiting for something to happen. So I had been spotting on and off for a couple days, nothing serious, but I knew something was happening.

I started having period-like cramps yesterday late afternoon/evening and knew it would probably happen last night. We sort of carried on with our evening like any other so we didn't alarm our two-year-old daughter and frighten her. Made dinner, read books, watched tv, etc, etc. At about 8 or so, I felt something down there and discovered in the bathroom that I had started bleeding in earnest. The pain didn't worsen, so I wasn't panicking or anything, but knew that the miscarriage was close.

We put dd down for the night a little after 8 or so, and dh and I thought we were in for a long night, so he went to bed with her (he was really tired cuz she's been keeping us up crying the last few nights, so he wanted to make sure he was rested). He told me to come get him when I needed him. Trinity sleeps with us, so she was still awake and talking to dh for a while after we put her down. A few minutes after that, I felt like I had to go to the bathroom, so in I went. When I sat down, I felt something coming out. It still wasn't painful, except for the mild period-like cramps I had been having.

The baby actually was on the "threshold" for about 30-45 minutes, while I just sort of sat and waited for it to happen. I didn't want to force anything for fear of excessive bleeding or something. A little after 9, I felt it coming out and put my hands down to catch it. It was very small, and still in the sac of water with the placenta attached. I wrapped it up in a washcloth (it was the closest thing), and called for my dh, hoping dd didn't come with him since she was still awake. He came out of the bedroom and I told him it was over. Neither of us could bear to open the sac of water to look at the baby. I didn't want to see it if it didn't look "good" - I just want to remember my precious little baby like I saw on the ultrasound and as I see him in my mind (we didn't know the sex, but I had such a strong feeling it was a boy) - perfectly formed and peaceful.

We cried together alot, it was very hard. We wrapped the baby in one of dd's old onesies and (this will seem wierd, but I will explain later) put him in an extra wipes container we had in dd's closet along a wedding photo of dh and myself, and a picture of our dd Trinity. It was very important for some reason to have the family "together" when we buried him. We wanted a plastic container so if we ever move, we can take him along with us. Dh had dug a grave outside in the yard, and he took him there to bury him.

One of dh's friends made a white metal cross today that he brought over and we put it in the grave to mark the spot. It was very emotional. I'm going to try to attach a photo of the grave but don't know if it will work. Hopefully it does.

I'll tell you guys, this is an amazingly tragic thing to happen to anyone, the emotional turmoil is almost unbearable at times, as I'm sure you all know. However, if it had to happen, this is the way I would have wanted it. It was *almost* painless, and very fast, at the time of day that would not traumatize Trinity. I did it in the comfort of my own home and we got to bury him and are grieving him in our own way. He also got to pick his own birthday, which was one of the few gifts I felt I could give him. I will forever be thankful that I stuck it out and did this our way so he could come in his own time.

At least now the waiting is over, and we can grieve and start to move on. We will NEVER forget our precious little angel. He will always be with us in our hearts. We will always love him and he will always be a part of our family.

This tragedy will not rule our lives though. We will be waiting a few months for physical and emotional healing to take place and then we will be trying for another one. You all will soon see me here celebrating a BFP. I will most certainly be a nervous wreck throughout my next pregnancy, but it will be worth it when I hold that baby in my arms.

Thank you all so much for your love and support!! You guys are amazing!
Emma

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"We do not choose to be born. We do not choose our parents, or the country of our birth. We do not, most of us, choose to die; nor do we choose the time and conditions of our death. But within this realm of choicelessness, we do choose how we live." Joseph Epstein
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