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  #1  
June 28th, 2008, 03:32 PM
Soleil's Avatar Happy & Blessed
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Sunny South Florida
Posts: 1,470
We just finally began to talk about trying to conceive again a few weeks ago.

As I am predisposed to mental illness (I live with depression), I fear that my journey to motherhood will be marred with anxiety, worry, and mostly fear.

We set the date around December, and for good reason. It will give me time to get off all of my depression meds and to lose some more weight. It's less than 6 months away, and as much as I am looking forward to it ~ it is with much trepidation that I begin pondering the process of pregnancy again.

The frquent trips to the bathroom to check for blood, followed by the scruitizing glare at the toilet paper for any signs.

The cringe and panic at every cramp or phantom cramp in my abdomen or back.

The panic and worry over every bit of food or drink I put in my mouth.

The sheer terror I will feel before my first ultrasound, remembering previous ones. Laying there, leg spread... crying while my husband sat at my feet, rubbing my toes, feeling helpless.

All of these sound neurotic and manic, I know ~ but I am as worried to get pregnant as I am to be pregnant again. I want to be a mother so terribly, and I know that my beloved will make an amazing father.

Why must the road to motherhood be so arduous, lengthly and tiresome? I read some stories of girls who have just found out they're pregnant. As as I did, at barely 5 weeks, they buy all the baby books, pick out names, purchase some maternity clothes.. and tell the whole world their happy news. I hope and I pray for their girls that their happiness isn't shattered by tragedy that no woman should ever have to endure.

Thank you for listening,
Love, Katey
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  #2  
June 28th, 2008, 07:47 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Katey - unfortunately we have ALL been there. I spent my entire pg terrified...seriously terrified. I didn't buy anything - I wouldn't have a shower, I barely had a name picked out. I had gotten to the point where it was difficult for me to ever believe I would have a take home baby. I wish it were easier. I wish I could go back & would have "known" it was going to be okay - but life doesn't work that way & I know that if I had to do it over again I could not change it even if I wanted to. For us - my Dh has a chromosomal abnormality. I want to TTC again - but I know that every time we do I run the SAME risks....I also know we risk still birth & birth defects that are everything from catastrophic to mild. I also need to eventually have DS tested since there is a 50/50 chance he is a carrier of this abnormality. I keep thinking we should try again as it took so long to get him & then I think maybe I never want to do that again.

All I can tell you about it is that you have to try & enjoy some of it. I did enjoy some of my pg with DS - and I enjoyed some of my pg with all of my angels. That is all you can do. You WILL check the TP - many of us laughed about checking it the WHOLE pg - laughed because if you don't, you will cry. I analyzed everything, I worried because I had bad m/s and couldn't take my vitamins, etc.... It will be a tough journey for you no doubt. But the good news is - you ARE up to it. You are stronger than you believe yourself to be right now. We will be there every step of the journey too. The women here offered me the kind of support I simply could not get anywhere - because everyone else just wanted to say "just relax" - and here they understood how impossible that was....so they offered support instead.

I hope come December we get to celebrate that BFP with you & then to cheer you on during those tough days until your take home baby is in your arms!
__________________
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #3  
June 29th, 2008, 03:48 AM
Soleil's Avatar Happy & Blessed
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Sunny South Florida
Posts: 1,470
Thank you so much for your amazingly wonderful post. And also ~ for understanding that I won't be able to "just relax" during those 9 months.

On a positive side, I have taken steps to make sure that my body is sound and healthy for a baby to grow inside of it, with working dilligently on weight loss and exercise.

It's so hard to imagine a take home baby. I'll be happy with an ultrasound with a beautiful heartbeat. That is what I am most terrified about... the ultrasound. The silence. I remember at m/c #2 the technician wouldn't talk.. dh wouldn't talk... there was so much heavy silence that it was deafening and I just started to cry. I knew in my heart with that pregnancy that it wasn't viable, but I still feel that I lost a baby. I asked teh OB if I could skip the D&C and he said that there was too much tissue for it to pass naturally and prefered me to have a D&C. I asked for extra of the medicine that they put in your arm to help you be in relaxing mode... but it made me throw up as soon as I sat up. It was awful. I don't want to go through that again, ever.

Thank you again.

Lots of love, Katey
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Many thanks to Mom2*Lauryn*Jacob* for my beautiful siggy.
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  #4  
June 29th, 2008, 08:01 AM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
I completely know what you mean about being terrified of an u/s. I will never forget my 1st u/s with DS (I guess I will never forget any of them really with any of my pgs) - I was soooo scared & really had little to no hope. When the u/s tech said there is the HB & it's good and turned the screen so I could see - I completely fell apart. Here I had been prepared to cry expecting bad news, but when she said it was good I sobbed more than I ever had from bad news.....I think I scared her. I cried all the way through the exam as did Dh & I think I cried all the way home & on & off all day. It really was the same thing every time I got to have a doppler to hear the HB & the following u/s at 18 weeks. It isn't easy to deal with all this, but I can promise you it is worth it to hang in there - even when you feel like you aren't sure it is anymore. In fact I had a really difficult labor & was really hurting after & even then - I knew immediately that it had been worth it & I have never questioned that for a moment since. I wish it could be easier. I wish I could say I want another baby & know that was going to happen - but for us it just isn't that way. I still say now that on some level I feel super lucky - because I know now never ever to take any of it for granted. I KNOW how precious life is, I know what a gift having a child is. I think in some ways that truly is a gift in & of itself....it's just wrapped up in a pretty crappy package unfortunately.
__________________
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #5  
July 2nd, 2008, 10:11 PM
Bakin8th's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: B.C. Canada
Posts: 3,734
Ughhh I so understand the fear! I have lost 5 pg's last 2 at 17w , 18 months apart. Plus several twins

However it does not and will NOT control my choices. I cant allow fear to be my motivation for anything.

I had so many u/s where baby has not been alive and I KNEW the last 2 x at 17w that there would be a dead baby and I have never looked at the screen ..I ask first if baby is alive now. I have had tecks look at me like I nuts then I say why.. They understand



Oct 23 06, I was 17w pg and had the baby at home unexpectedly. Just 3 hours after finding out he had died earlier in ER that same day and his twin looked like had died at about 11weeks and was reobsorbing... It was a horrifing and tramatic experance

I got pg 7w later and LIVED in such terror and fear it was crippling I never bonded like I had before in pg to my baby. I never enjoyed all the moments for fear of becomeing close to him. I regreted it after he was born the JOY I robbed myself.

I then got pg 12w after he was born.

I decided right then I will suck every JOYFUL moment out of being pg cuz I never know how long it will last to be truthful.

I saveroed every minute of it! I lived in the moment and loved every second with her pg!!!

She too passed away at 17w.

Now I have such joy and happiness when I remeber being pg with her. I allowed myself to enjoy her it was such a freedom to just live in the moment.

I am now in my first 2WW since loseing her and IF I get pg again I plan to do the same thing..Live in freedom not fear. Thats not how I want to remeber feeling dureing my next pg..however short or long it may be.

I am not in anyway ignoreing that it can happen again or the little bursts of fear now and then when I felt something was wrong but Its not going to be the focus of my next pg if I can help it.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
~IRENE~ MOM TO 8 KIDDOES! DS 18, DD 16, DD 14, DD 8, DS 6, DD 4, DS 3 and DS 1

Ttcing #9 After TWO 2nd trimester loss's and FIVE 1st trimester loss's. Missing our 8 ANGEL'S

IUI W/CLOMID/TRIGGER FEB 12/13 09!

Kyle (absent) Chelsea, Miki, Hanna, Johna, Sari, Jessiah and Isaiah.



THE LORD GIVES AND TAKES AWAY MY HEART WILL CHOOSE TO SAY BLESSED BE HIS WONDERFUL NAME!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our 8 Greatly missed Angels
12W, 6W, 6W, 9W 1 twin, 5W
17W twins (sex unkown) and "Elijah"
17W "Angel"
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