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I feel so lost and alone.


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  #1  
August 5th, 2008, 05:01 PM
Mommy4x4's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Minot AFB, ND
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I don't know where else to post this. I know my friends in my PR are great, but I feel like I'm constantly complaining about how I feel and I don't want them to think that all I do is cry. Same thing with my blog, plus there are people who read it that I don't particularly want to know what's going on in my mind. We've been TTC #4 since Januaryish, we've had 2 miscarriages in that time ... and 4 IRL friends have told me that they are pregnant within the last couple of weeks [one unfortunately miscarried, which made me feel like more of a rat because I was so jealous and then we were in the same boat, kwim?].

I don't stop crying ... I'm constantly angry and upset and sad and miserable. I see stupid celebrities getting pregnant with twins every week it seems like and it just never stops. I lost my twins almost 4 years ago, this Thanksgiving. I'm still not over it. I don't know how to get over that. I am still waiting to hear from my stupid doctor about getting the referral off base to the fertility specialist and I seriously feel like I'm getting the runaround, and since we're military and trapped overseas [in Okinawa, Japan] I can't do anything about it.

I know that I'm lucky to have my three beautiful children, believe me, I know. But not a day goes by that I don't wish for more. Am I selfish?

My poor husband just doesn't understand. Every day he asks me what's wrong and all I ever tell him is "I'm tired" ... which is half-truth, because I am tired all the time. At night I dream about going on vacation and spending some alone time with him. We don't ever go out just the two of us because no one around here is truly our friend. I thought I had some, but since my husband didn't deploy like theirs did, well, I'm just out of the little club. I hate military politics ... Anyway ...

I guess there's no real point to this post. Just needed to get some things off my chest, I guess.
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  #2  
August 5th, 2008, 07:56 PM
ShannonMVT's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Aww hun, I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I do agree, you DO need a place where you can get things off your chest and talk about your feelings. We're always here for you and won't look down on you for feeling sad if you're sad a lot. Heck, I am sad too. I cry probably 10 times easier post miscarriage, just at anything.

I had the same thing happen where I was so jealous of one of Dh's cousins who was pregnant and then she had a miscarriage. I felt really bad because I had been so jealous. It made me feel better to write her an email and tell her how sorry I was and that I was there if she wanted to talk.

And girl, you don't even want me to start on the celebrities and their twins. And of course they are ALL conceived naturally, no fertility treatments for them, noooo. Not even the women who are 40+ years old. Watch as I roll my eyes. Ah, much better.

I hope you can get help from a specialist soon. Until then, I also hope you can find a way to spend some time doing something fun with your husband.

Feel free to vent/cry anytime you need to.



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  #3  
August 7th, 2008, 03:59 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Quote:
I don't know where else to post this. I know my friends in my PR are great, but I feel like I'm constantly complaining about how I feel and I don't want them to think that all I do is cry. Same thing with my blog, plus there are people who read it that I don't particularly want to know what's going on in my mind. We've been TTC #4 since Januaryish, we've had 2 miscarriages in that time ... and 4 IRL friends have told me that they are pregnant within the last couple of weeks [one unfortunately miscarried, which made me feel like more of a rat because I was so jealous and then we were in the same boat, kwim?].

I don't stop crying ... I'm constantly angry and upset and sad and miserable. I see stupid celebrities getting pregnant with twins every week it seems like and it just never stops. I lost my twins almost 4 years ago, this Thanksgiving. I'm still not over it. I don't know how to get over that. I am still waiting to hear from my stupid doctor about getting the referral off base to the fertility specialist and I seriously feel like I'm getting the runaround, and since we're military and trapped overseas [in Okinawa, Japan] I can't do anything about it.

I know that I'm lucky to have my three beautiful children, believe me, I know. But not a day goes by that I don't wish for more. Am I selfish?

My poor husband just doesn't understand. Every day he asks me what's wrong and all I ever tell him is "I'm tired" ... which is half-truth, because I am tired all the time. At night I dream about going on vacation and spending some alone time with him. We don't ever go out just the two of us because no one around here is truly our friend. I thought I had some, but since my husband didn't deploy like theirs did, well, I'm just out of the little club. I hate military politics ... Anyway ...

I guess there's no real point to this post. Just needed to get some things off my chest, I guess. [/b]
I am sorry you are having such a rough time. Being so far away from friends & family & not having anyone IRL to rely on is really tough. It is so normal to have a rough time with other people's pg's & you don't have to feel guilty if they end up having a mc - it is totally unrelated to your feelings - you didn't cause it. I agree with Shannon though - it may help you to reach out a bit to others that are dealing with it as well.

As far as the crying & feeling miserable - that is so hard. I have been there at times too. I don't think you will ever get over it & I am not sure you even should. What happens in time with healing is that you get through it & gain more peace with it. It likely will never be "okay" but it WILL be better than it is today. I don't know what you do (other than coming here) to assist yourself in healing, but you do need to actively seek helping yourself heal. I am a firm believer that time does NOT heal anything - what you do in that time is what is healing. If you haven't taken the time to prioritize your angels & to do something, make something, etc to validate your feelings NOW is the time to do so. It can be as simple as lighting a candle in their honor at a specified time and/or date...perhaps one date or perhaps on EDD's & angelversaries. It can be getting a balloon for each of them & then going somewhere & setting them each free....you can even write their names on the balloons if you have named them. If you haven't named them you can do that too. I really dragged my feet on doing that - but in the end that probably brought me the most peace out of any one single thing I did. There are lots of ways you can remember them & honor your connection to them. If you do not honor it - you internalize it & then you just feel more hurt, more down, more unable to let go & step toward healing & feeling more whole.

As far as going out or getting time with Dh - is there anyone that you would trust to watch your kids? I know you say you are "out of the club" - but would someone take your kids for you if you were willing to ask? Maybe you could trade baby-setting favors? I do think it is important to rejuvenate & spend time one on one as a couple & just have fun. That isn't always easy to do if you can't get out of the house together. If it's possible I would work on trying to plan ahead for even just a 3 hr outing for the two of you to have a little relaxation together. Even if you feel awkward asking (assuming you don't worry about your kids being well cared for) I would ask someone - the worst they can say is no...and then you are in no worse situation than you are now.

I am sending you lots of hugs & am sorry you are struggling. Feel free to write here anytime - we truly do understand.
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  #4  
August 8th, 2008, 09:37 AM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Midwest
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Awww, sweetie, I'm sorry things seem so bleak right now. I fully agree with Beckie that you need to find something you can do to help your healing process. None of us will ever get over the losses we've experienced, but we have done a number of things to help us heal. Beckie gave some great suggestions. Writing is also a good way to help settle your emotions. You can keep it, burn it, or toss it, whatever works best, but often just getting the feelings out and onto paper (or on here) will help more than you can imagine. I worked with our pastor quite a bit after the second loss (he's also a grief counselor) and that helped immensely. Is there someone like that you can talk to? I ask because being as tired as you described is a symptom of depression and having someone IRL to talk to might help. And we're always here. We're not doctors of any sort, but we've all known the heartache that is unique to recurrent loss. So post away, vent, cry, rant, or just get your feelings out. I wouldn't have made it through my losses without these wonderful ladies. I hope we can all be there for you, too.
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