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  #1  
July 25th, 2006, 04:40 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
I hate recurrent loss - I really really do. It rips so much away from you - it's hard to know which end is up half the time. I was over in pg loss...posting about cycles...when it dawns on me that not only am I late - but I am moody & teary. So I went to the store & got a HPT & it's feakin' BFP. It's faint - but it's there. I have NO idea what to even feel about it. I knew last month when I had EWCM & we avoided sex then. I was bummed to be avoiding...but I knew it was better to get out affairs in order. But now I have another BFP - I told Joel - he seems strangely happy - I told him not to get too excited & I told him I wasn't going to the Dr. I mean that right now - who knows how I will feel tonight or even tomorrow - but for right now hte LAST thing I want is input from a Dr. I am happy & sad & realizing I should have been more prepared for this possibility if I'm not on hte pill - but I truly didn't expect it - I didn't. Last time we were suprised - but I accept that any time you aren't really watching it - you are asking for it...but I thought I was watching it better - apparently not.

I don't now what I feel I guess. I can't help but be a little happy - even when I know it has a very good chance of not lasting. I know what our odds are & I know that even in that there is a chance at everything going right for once. I know that possibility exists, but I'm not holding my breath for it.

And I know it's silly - but I feel guilty for being pg too. It's weird - like (1) I am taking others on another emotional rollercoaster .. (2) I host the recurrent loss board - somehow if feels "rude" to be pg (although I doubt others will make me feel that way)... (3) I am concerned a bit now to be on the road alone so much & hte LAST thing I want to do is tell my boss

Anyway - that is where I am as of 7:40pm today. UGH
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We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #2  
July 25th, 2006, 07:32 PM
srs srs is offline
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Oh Lord... Beck, are you gonna be okay? I'm not sure what I can do sitting here in NC, but I really have the urge to come find you and give you a big hug (where are you again? Michigan?)
I wouldn't worry about the doctor. Can they really help you right now? I doubt it.
I know this goes without saying, but good luck... and my prayers are with you and Joel. Don't worry about us - we're with you all the way, whatever happens. And do enjoy that tiny little happy feeling. Of course it's there.
Sara
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  #3  
July 25th, 2006, 09:04 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Midwest
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Wow, Beckie! Is it OK for me to be cautiously excited for you? I'm sure you're still in shock right now and probably will be for a while. I can't even imagine. Don't worry about the board. We all understand that any of us could get pg at any time and we'll support each other through it just as we did through our losses. Maybe this will be the start of a good trend for this board. Besides, who better to lead the way on Pregnant after Recurrent Loss than its host!

Don't feel guilty for any reason. Yes you've been through a lot, but you deserve this opportunity and you are already a wonderful mother with 4 angels watching over you and this little one. Just take it a moment at a time and work through your emotions as they come (and you know they will). We'll be here for you, unconditionally.

Sara, I'm in OK, so maybe if we both squeeze really tight, Beck will feel a hug from us!
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  #4  
July 26th, 2006, 07:17 AM
Deb's Avatar
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Oh Beck - hon I'm so scared and happy for you. Your feelings describe how I felt when I got this BFP. I was terrified, and I didn't want to think about what it might mean to me if I lost this one, nor did I even want to think about the possibility of not losing it, because I was too scared to let myself be happy. I don't have 4 losses, but the 2 I've got were enough to make me really scared. For no known medical reason, this pregnancy stuck and has been (relatively!) trouble-free and easy.

I will be thinking of you all the time - and sending all the positive warm thoughts to you and your bean that I can.

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  #5  
July 26th, 2006, 11:55 AM
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Location: Ontario, Canada
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Beckie! Wow...you're emotions must be all over the place right now. Like Kathryn asked, is it okay if I'm cautiously excited for you? You truly do deserve this and I pray that you beat the odds this time.

Your thoughts must be all over the place and I don't blame you. As for being a host here and being pg...that's life and life goes on. I don't think it should even be an issue since a loss is a loss...period. If we don't move on than we stunt our emotional growth and healing.

Beckie...I really hope things work out for you hun. You & DH truly deserve this and we're here for every step of this new journey. (((hugs)))



Okay...I couldn't resist...I just had to add a happy cheerleader!
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  #6  
July 26th, 2006, 09:42 PM
lizard's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Okay, add me to the list of people who are cautiously excited for you. If you don't feel like going to a doctor right now, then don't. If there is nothing that they will be able to do for you and you are already taking you vitamins, then I wouldn't worry.

Don't worry about being here and being p/g. You will still be a wonderful host. Being p/g again can't change the experiences that you've already had, and those experiences are what led us all to this board.

So, this is for you because I don't know anyone who deserves a baby more than you and your DH. I will be praying for you and your bean.
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  #7  
July 26th, 2006, 10:03 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Thank you so much for the love & support ladies. 24hrs later, I am feeling a little more calm & a lot more centered I think...but I am sure it will be up & down. It helps that I just woke from a 5 hr nap...it always seems to clear my head to sleep.

Earlier I was letting myself analize how much caffeine I had this week, when I last drank, etc & I think I will jsut block it all out. It's water under the bridge & I won't do anything now that isn't good & Lord nows what issues I am already dealing with, so I highly doubt any of that is really an issue....plus it's no good to think about . Instead I will focus on that I have been taking vitamins - so at least that is good. And I eat fairly well - I just happen to also throw a little junk food in there too...

Thank you all again - I feel a little mixed up - but I also feel a little hopeful..and I guess we shall see. I know there are no guarantees in this life, which I feel is working to my advantage at the moment - there are no guarantees that it will go as my previous pg's this time - it could be different....so I will try to focus on that.
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B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #8  
July 27th, 2006, 07:09 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 18,680
I think you're taking a great approach. Keeping yourself in check and grounded is easier said than done, but you've taken great steps. Just remember...miracles happen and why wouldn't you deserve a miracle! You're absolutely right...it could be different and this little one needs to feel the hope as well, just as much as the 1st little one.

I'm praying for you. (((hugs)))

Okay...I can't resist it...I'm so happy for you and we don't get to use the happy cheerleader on this board too often so I'm going to use my quota for the day!

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  #9  
July 27th, 2006, 08:02 AM
Deb's Avatar
Deb Deb is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,919
Quote:
Earlier I was letting myself analize how much caffeine I had this week, when I last drank, etc & I think I will jsut block it all out. It's water under the bridge & I won't do anything now that isn't good & Lord nows what issues I am already dealing with, so I highly doubt any of that is really an issue....plus it's no good to think about . Instead I will focus on that I have been taking vitamins - so at least that is good. And I eat fairly well - I just happen to also throw a little junk food in there too...[/b]
With the miscarriages and the screwy cycle and the fact that we weren't even trying anymore (not preventing, but not trying) I was almost 9 weeks before I even took an HPT. It's nerve-wracking to think about 2 whole months of having a baby in there and not realizing it, and not being as careful about what I ate/drank/indulged in as I would have been. My theory though is that I'm going to get what I'm meant to have - if this baby is meant to have some sort of defect, it's going to have it even if I hadn't done anything wrong. If it's meant to be a healthy baby, it will be a healthy baby. I'm doing everything I can now to give it every chance in the world to be healthy, but I'm not beating myself up over what I can't change.

Good luck honey, and major positive thoughts to you, all day everyday. I want this so badly for you.
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  #10  
July 31st, 2006, 03:52 AM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
Beck, we've talked so you know how I feel...I am trying to contain my glee but I have to add just one...

Here's praying, wishing, hoping, willing to sell my soul for you to have a happy ending!!!
I love you girl!
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