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Update on where my head is


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  #1  
July 28th, 2006, 05:22 PM
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Okay - so I am doing alright...

I have told no one IRL & have no intention of doing so at any particular point in time. I still haven't quite decided what I will do if my boss wants to send me out of town. By all rights I could still travel - but I am often far from home & I would have to learn to pack lots of small bags - because my luggage is often VERY heavy...but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I still don't want to see a Dr anytime soon & I am thinking maybe around 12 wks I will go. It just makes me feel like an anxiety attack thinking about the Dr's office right now - so I think it's totally unhelpful to go. So I am not going to worry about it right now - I will take good care of myself & that is all...no stupid tests. They only make me more crazy.

Joel is really hopeful. Sometimes I think too hopeful - I don't know if that is possible. I jsut worry that he is in denial more htan I am of the possibilities. I dont' want to think of the worst all the time - but I also can't plan for a baby yet - we aren't far enough into this to think of those kinds of things. Right now I am planning for tomorrow - that is about it. Anything beyond that will have to wait until it is here. I am enjoying today as much as I can - but I can't think that far down the road....if I did - I think it would interfere with my ability to enjoy today even.

So that is where I am. I jsut wanted to update ya'll in case you were wondering how I am hanging in ther e- I am hanging. Every twitch, every pain, every time I pee leads me to wonder "if this is it" - but I think it's only natural. I try to keep those thoughts in check. I am constantly checking my boobs to see if they still hurt (and sometimes they don't)..and I am wondering if I am tired enough & it seems like I was more tired earlier this week - so what does that mean??/ then I tell my brain to shut up - it does no good & hte cycle starts again. I am doing fine - and having all the normal paranoia too!


Dang I wish this were easier.
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B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #2  
July 28th, 2006, 08:15 PM
srs srs is offline
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It sounds like you are making the best of it. I agree with the doctor thing - what exactly can they do? Not much, if anything, and I can totally understand being tired of them.
It sounds like you travel a lot for work, so I hope that's going to be okay. I'm not planning to tell anyone either for awhile if we get pg again, especially not the work people. Like the doctors, they can't help me either, so what's the point? From what you've said about your job, it sounds like your coworkers are mostly the same way.
Thanks for the update. I have been thinking about you.

Quote:
Dang I wish this were easier.[/b]
Me too. If it makes you feel better, my (Southern) DH said the other day that we are all steel magnolias. What a nice guy. I think he's right. We should be proud of ourselves every day that we're making it through tough times, and I think we're holding up decently well, all things considered.
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  #3  
July 28th, 2006, 08:59 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Sounds like you're doing as well as any of us could expect to do ourselves in the same situation. If one day at a time is too much, take it moment by moment and try to store up the positive moments to go to when a negative moment slips in. I don't know if it's even possible to stop the worries, and it wouldn't be realistic to expect you to. I think Joel is providing a good balance for you, reminding you that there is a lot of positive even when you're scared, nervous, etc., from knowing what could happen.

Do your best not to over-analyze having/not having symptoms, it will only make you crazy (keep in mind that this advice is coming from someone who is an analyst by nature and in business, who is unlikely to follow this advice herself).
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  #4  
July 28th, 2006, 09:34 PM
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Quote:
keep in mind that this advice is coming from someone who is an analyst by nature and in business, who is unlikely to follow this advice herself[/b]
How about that... I work as an analyst too! I guess that explains our original need to "plan" ttc. Well, Beckie, I'll jump on the analyst bandwagon too and tell you not to overanalyze!!!

Quote:
keep in mind that this advice is coming from someone who is an analyst by nature and in business, who is unlikely to follow this advice herself[/b]
How about that... I work as an analyst too! I guess that explains our original need to "plan" ttc. Well, Beckie, I'll jump on the analyst bandwagon too and tell you not to overanalyze!!!
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  #5  
July 28th, 2006, 09:35 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Too funny! No wonder we can't sleep. Can't turn off our brains!!
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  #6  
July 29th, 2006, 04:45 PM
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Well maybe we need a scared sh&^%less to be pg subforum???

What the heck is wrong with me - sometimes I am so okay - just cool in the moment & then I have moments like now where I am so sad & feeling alone. I just wish this was all so different & I know wishing that is pointless. It isn't going to be different - I have THIS history - I have these worries - I have to find a way to be cool with it no matter what & sometimes I don't want to be cool with it.

I had a trigger today - a stupid trigger. A friend of mine that has 2 great kids tells me today she is 8 wks pg. So how do I respond emotionally??? - I am upset WHY??? Because it suddenly makes me think that she will get to carry this baby to term...which subsequently means I have to own that I think that way only because I am not believing that I will...etc, etc, etc. I hate that - I hate this part. The part where I can't be a good firend & be happy for her - even when I am also pg - I am instead dreading going through her 7 months left watching her grow & wondering whether I will ever get there. And then she tells me she bought e a book on supernatural pregnancy. I read a few excerpt from what was available on Amazon.com & I have no intention of reading that book - in fact I find what I read already to be insulting to my own presonal beliefs. I knwo she doesn't mean it that way - but basically from the short bit I read it says that when you have faith you will hve a baby you will & when you lack faith you mc & I think it's a load of crap. - Please ignore the rant if it is what you believe...but I don't ascribe to it & it just adds additional stress to have outsiders believe you get babies by praying about it - perhaps some do - I don't know - but I never saw a crack-head pray & they sure seem to get their fair share of full-term babies. (some of my anger/frustration peeking out there). - Sorry.


I am just grumpy now. Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's stress, maybe it's jsut worry. Maybe it's hte stupid heat wave that everyone seems to be experiencing. GRRRRR
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B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #7  
July 29th, 2006, 05:09 PM
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Quote:
from the short bit I read it says that when you have faith you will hve a baby you will & when you lack faith you mc & I think it's a load of crap. -[/b]
I agree. That's the kind of attitude that makes me want to kick stuff. As if our lives aren't hard enough.

Quote:
Well maybe we need a scared sh&^%less to be pg subforum???[/b]
I think that's this whole subforum! I don't think there's anything wrong with you. How could you react otherwise? I'm sorry your friend is pg. I really am, and I know that sounds horrible, but I've been so grateful that no one close to me is pg right now, because I really don't think I could handle being around them at all. I think the only pg ladies I can handle are the ones right here, since they know what I'm going through (and of course that includes you, Beckie!).
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  #8  
July 30th, 2006, 05:54 PM
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Okay well today - I am in an okay spot I guess. I have convinced myself that pretty much I don't have enough symptoms. The only thing I seem to have consistantly is better sense of smell - which I HATE. I already have a good sense of smell - but this morning I cooked eggs & decided they smelled like a fart - which NO one agreed with me on - and couldn't make myself eat them. I had cold pizza instead.

I'm not nearly as tired as I think I should be. That is hard to judge though. Last pg my Dr had me on mondo doses of progesterone & I was totally whiped out. My does was at least twice as high as anyone I have ever seen on the board - 400mg a day. I could barely keep my eyes open & I know it was the progesterone because I never felt like that before, it started the DAY I started taking them & it quit as soon as I stopped - also it is a possible side-effect. So maybe I have a compass of sleepiness that is off - but I swear - I am closer to insomnia than sleepy. I couldn't sleep at all last night because I had slept in until noon. I stayed up Friday 4 hrs past my normal bedtime, slept until noon & was awake until after 6am . I woke up at 11am no problem & have been nothing more than a little sleepy today - normally I'd probably take a nap. My left breast has never been sore, but my right one seems to come & go. Generally it is slightly tender at best. I have more CM than usual - making me feel like I am "leaking" at times, so I am constantly running ot the bathroom expecting to see blood of course. And believe it or not I somehow feel okay even with the neurosis. I feel like I am waiting for the mc - but okay that it is coming - I know that is sooooo screwed up. I know it is - but I am attmpting simply I guess to be honest about it. I am still hopeful..I guess in my own mind I have made my peace that itmight be any day - so I am ready just in case.

I don't want you to worry about me. I don't feel teary (other than being a little extra hormonal) - I don't feel it's worry keeping me awake - I jsut feel antsy I guess is hte best way to describe it - and overall it isn't all that bad.

Funny thing is, as I write this I am getting sleepy. Figures, it's almost 8pm - way too late for a nap & too early for bed yet.
__________________
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #9  
July 30th, 2006, 07:43 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I have to add that I have started to have some slightly tinted mucus.

It is very slight - I just wish I felt better about this.
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B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #10  
July 30th, 2006, 10:37 PM
srs srs is offline
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Well s**t. Please keep us updated, and we're with you all the way.
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  #11  
July 31st, 2006, 09:58 AM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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We're here for you, Beckie, no matter what. I've decided that for me, paying any attention to symptoms is going to land me in the looney bin, so I'm doing my best to ignore them or pass them off as something else. So far it's working, but we'll see if that lasts.

And, OK, I had to laugh about the eggs. I made some scrambled eggs with the last pg, and felt the same way about them. Yuck!

One step at a time. We're right beside you.
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  #12  
July 31st, 2006, 04:19 PM
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Well I spotted once today as well - but it doesn't seem to be increasing & I have no cramps. It is very very light tan - almost not noticeable - and I wouldn't be noticing it without my history

I have to go off to pool tonight - I will be back - just wanted to update anyone that was concerned. I felt like throwing up on & off all day & once i felt faint - but it's alos 99 here & 94% humidity so our heat index here is about 111. I had to go back in the shop a few times in a full suit & MAN. Also - I have no air in my car -so the ride home was no picnic either. So I don't know that the nausea/faintness was pg related or not - I was hoping it was...it would make me think my #'s were still rising.
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B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #13  
July 31st, 2006, 08:12 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Light tan doesn't sound too bad and the heat could definitely intensify any symptoms. Take care and make sure you're drinking lots of water. Thanks for the update, 'cause you know we get worried when we don't get 'em!! Hope you have/had fun tonight!
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  #14  
July 31st, 2006, 09:23 PM
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Thanks for the update! I popped in here first tonight just to check.
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  #15  
August 1st, 2006, 09:34 PM
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Today's update is ueventful. Feeling better emotionally today overall. No spotting & definitely tired. I came home abou t6 pm - shceked hte boards quickly, laid down for a quick nap & Dh couldn't wake me - I just woke up, still real tired, grabbed something to eat & now am back off to bed in a minute. I know this means nothing - but it makes me feel better to feel more typically pg. At least for now, or I should say for today - since every day seems to be different lately.
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B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #16  
August 1st, 2006, 10:29 PM
srs srs is offline
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Quote:
I know this means nothing - but it makes me feel better to feel more typically pg.[/b]
Well, for that, one cautious cheerleader Glad to hear it was uneventful.
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  #17  
August 1st, 2006, 11:53 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Uneventful is a good thing. We'll pray for a couple hundred or so more uneventful days for you, leading to one very happy and eventful day.
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  #18  
August 2nd, 2006, 07:51 AM
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Uneventful is wonderful. I've been thinking about you a lot the last few days. You're such a fighter, and you're so strong. I really admire you hon.

I will keep sending you all the healthy pregnancy vibes I can. I really hope this works out for you.

Have you figured out how far along you are/when you're due/when you might go to the Dr?
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  #19  
August 2nd, 2006, 05:15 PM
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Todays' updaye is once again fairly uneventful. My right bb is sore & larger while my left still lags greatly...leaving me with a slightly noticeable difference in size. I am hoping it will soon begin to balance. Other than that - no real issues to report.

AS far as how far along? I am not sure - af has been a little goofy. LMP was June 25th - but I couldn't have O'd around CD14 or I wouldn't be pg (since we were careful at that time for about a week). But by LMP I should be 5wks I think. 5wks 4 dys...I think. We'll see.
__________________
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #20  
August 2nd, 2006, 06:49 PM
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I was glad to see that you had posted. Just wanted to see how you are doing. I'm glad that today has been an uneventful day.
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