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Well It's been a while since I have wrote here. Today was just miserable for me. I had to go to the doctor to get a repeat pap smear b/c they couldn't get the cells they needed. They were supposed to dilate my cervix b/c they thought they were behind my cervix. Luckily they didn't have to they just had to dig deeper around it. Well the nurse told me I would feel sharp cramps but I didn't expect it to feel the way it did. The cramps hit me so hard that I started crying...and it made me emotionally breakdown. All I could think about was it felt exactly how it did when I had my m/c. I wanted my SO there b/c I felt like I needed him...however he had finals today at school and said he didn't think he could make it so my mom came with me. I am still feeling cramps and uncomfortable down there and they said I should feel better tomorrow...but today I will feel like I'm having bad menstrual cramps. I feel so down and to make matters worse I am so furious with my SO...
He got out of school at 11...my appt was at 11:30am and instead of calling me to see if he had time to make it to the appt he came straight to the house. He called me from home...as if he doesn't have a cell phone...but it was too late. My dr. office is about 15 minutes from our house and by the time he would have made it I would have probably been done. The only reason my mom came is b/c my SO made it seem like he didn't have time to make it...He has to drive by the office from school on the way home..and I guess I feel like he could have called to see if I was in with the dr. yet but he didn't. Then to top the cake when I left the dr. office it was 12:40pm and I called him to let him know I was heading home and to check to see if I had any heating pads left and some ibuprofen/tylenol pm for the pain...surprise surprise he was not even home. He had went over to his friends' house. ***!! I am at the appt. that I told you would make me feel bad and also was pretty scary to me and you go off to your friend house instead being home when I get there. Well he came home after my mom had start setting me up to get in the bed. Then when I asked what was he about to do he claimed he was going to get his car looked at with the same friend. I am so hurt right now...he knew how scared I was about having to deal with this today. I slept for probably 5 maybe 6 hours and when I woke up he walked in the room to say he'll be back in a while. That while turned into almost two hours...so I decided I was going to make me some chicken noodle soup b/c I was hungry...well here he comes walking in when I was about to make my food and said he had to go to work for a few hours b/c one of the people he works with was having bad headaches and wanted to know if he could cover...*** your girlfriend is in pain...physically and emotionally did it not cross his mind to stay at home with me today?? I guess not. I am so upset with his behavior today and I don't even have the energy to explain to him why I am so upset. I know men say all the time they can't read our minds...but he knew how I felt about this appt...he knew I wanted him there...I feel like since he didn't come to the appt than he should have stayed his azz at home. I don't care if I did sleep...if it was him in pain I would make sure he was as comfortable as I could get him and lay next to him while he is sleeping. I guess some men just don't think that way. But I find it terrible that when he was sick with a common head cold last year...I got his medicine and his juice..i got him soup and I also stayed right by his bed while he slept...why can't i get the same in return. That's all I wanted was for him to be with me and by my side today and he couldn't do that. I am more hurt than pissed off and I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is common but I feel like I care for him more than he does for me...and I don't know how to deal with it.
I will be glad when these cramps go away...it feels terrible