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CJ wasn't a planned pregnancy. But I was so happy and excited just the same. I had been wanting another child to join our family. Another baby. It started as my others had. Spotting, stressing but that was nothing new. I had no reason to not share our good news. We were having another baby, how wonderful. I went in at 13 weeks. Good strong heartbeat. Wohoo Second trimester we were in the clear 6 more months and he would be with us. I was making appointments for testing and soon the big u/s we all dream of. Then at 15 weeks I had some cramping... I thought I was over reacting. It stopped but I called the dr anyway. We went in, they couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler. I started to worry. They couldn't find it with the u/s machine. I started to freak. The midwife went and got a dr to double check. I started to cry . We went over to the hospital for one last check. CJ had passed within a couple days of that last appointment. It took two weeks for my body to realize anything was wrong . I was scheduled for a D&C for the 27th of February 2009. It was either that or Labor and Delivery and I didn't think I could go through labor and not bring my baby home. I was devastated. I mean we were in our second trimester... chances of loss are like 1%. How did this happen?
Months went by. My body was so out of whack. I went back to the dr. I wasn't taking any chances. I wanted another baby. There was a polyp on my uterus. So when I should have been delivering CJ I was having another D&C to remove the polyp. I thought for sure we would be pregnant by the end of September. We never had trouble before. But to add insult to injury we weren't. In fact it took us 5 months to get pregnant again. For some that may seem like nothing. But when you have a loss it seems like forever.
So December 2009 we are finally pregnant again. I am so excited. I have faith that everything is going to work different this time. This baby is coming home with me I just know it. Things started like they always do. Spotting, only this time it was so much more worrisome. So we wait and we pray. At 7 weeks we see a beautiful heartbeat. Baby is growing and doing well. Things are going to be different I tell myself. My 12 week appointment got canceled. I was so upset I just wanted some piece of mind and to hear the heartbeat. It wasn't to be. They couldn't find it on the doppler. I was trying not to panic (given my history). They couldn't find it on the u/s, or did they, they just didn't know. So the nurse got the dr. The doctor did an internal with the new machine. Nothing.... I started to cry . I knew, it had happened again. They sent me to the hospital for another u/s to confirm. Rose had passed away only 2 days before at 12 weeks exactly. I was devastated. My heart in shatters. How could it happen again? Twice so far into our pregnancies. So on Monday February 20, 2010 we lost Rose, we had another D&C since we were so far along.
Both CJ and Rose were due in August. CJ was due August 17, 2009 and Rose was due August 30, 2010. They were both conceived within weeks of each other a year apart. And lost a week different a year apart. Its a weird connection. I know that we will avoid those months for conception/delivery like the plague if we decide to try again. Right now I am torn between my desire to have another baby and my fear of another loss.
A journal might be more healing than I know. Well I think that is my story. As I need to talk I guess I will write more.
Its only been two months since we lost Rose. It feels so much longer. It feels like a lifetime ago. So much has changed, about me, about my family. I just couldn't believe it when I read my ticker today. I thought for sure it had been longer. No wonder I am still having a hard time with it. I guess the fact that everyone wants me to just get over it and "gesh are you still upset about that" attitudes make me think its been longer. Its been a year since we lost CJ .
Sunday we started BCP . We have made the decision that at least for the next year we will do that and then see how we are dealing. Right now with DH having his medical stuff we are just overwhelmed. So as of now we are done trying and it breaks my heart. I just want to be holding my babies. Not sitting here, going to a counselor trying to work through my grief of yet another lost angel, taken to soon. I think tonight is just a rough night. I just miss them alot right now. I realized today that next week would have been my 3rd trimester mark. Perhaps that is what is really got me down tonight....perhaps.
I thought of CJ today. Of how he would be turning one in just a couple months. Of how he would be crawling all over the place. Strange that it just randomly hit me that I would have a 10 month old right now if he had been born....
Of be in my third trimester if Rose was still with us....