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This year will be five years now since my loss. Everything I have felt before I still feel now. The regret, the anger, the questions... they all still remain. My only difference is they are not crippling me. I think my loss has changed who I am and how I do things and not all of them for the better. I have this overwhelming sadness and this great void in my life. I cannot say this is the base or all of my feelings. There seems to be this enormous 'something' standing in front of me, each time I turn away, reroute myself only a few steps more than it is back. I am not going forward by any means, and I seem to be going backwards but only because everone else keeps passing me by.
I was 23 weeks and 5 days, we had gone for our ultra sound 6.6.2005, our tech stopped short and told us to go to our Dr. At the Drs. is where he told me the baby was dead. I never found out what had happened there wasn't a reason, but somewhere between 18 and 19 weeks the baby stopped growing. I am still angry for how I let things to be handled. I let him talk me into a D&E, I didn't want to and I did. I make myself crazy about it, I should have stood up and said no, that's not what I want. I never found out what the sex of the baby was. I asked the Dr who did the D&E, he said he didn't know. Now I live with this horrible image I turned my baby into hamburger. I mean why did I do it why? I will never forgive myself I just can't. I was driving home from work last week and broke out into tears thinking about everything.
I kept a paper journal going for some time. I wrote every horrible word any person had to say to me about it. There is also a forgiveness there I am never willing to issue. I had my chances at vengeance upon these people and never really took it. It is funny how some people can bite there tongue when they want to be mean or cruel and other people could careless about it. Or how they could never forgive what has been said to them, but expect forgiveness for the things they have said.
Well my goal in life was to not be bitter. I don't want to forgive and I am not going to forget, but I also don't want to grow into and ugly bitter person. These past few years I have felt unlike myself. I fill with temper quickley, I lack patience. My life feels out of control, in my head.
Next month I will celebrate five years of an empty void I was given. I usually get a flower and plant it, they always die? I get perenials but they never really have come back. 2 years ago I got 3 hydrangeas one for each of my kids. My eldest is thriving, my youngest is thriving, my angel babies is struggling it is so weird. I've given the plant 'plant food' just a strange omen I guess.
It had taken close to two years to get pregnant with our DS. I was not sure I really wanted more. I think, even though I know my labor with him was not a bad one it still seemed extremely messed up to me. I was traumatized for no good reason. Well my DH wanted at least one more.
So the round of the year, it always seemed easier to start at the start of the year. Our first try we did it, wow I was surprized. I had loved this baby from the start and I know your are thinking everyone does, but with my first even though I planned for him I did not feel any kind of a bond until he was at least a week old. So this one was different for me.
I was nervous having 2 so close together. DS wasn't even a year yet. And because I felt judged I would say, "I wish he was turning two." That way people didn't accuse and critisize me for having been pregnant again already. I did really think it wasn't going to be so easy.
By this week 5 years ago the something would havestarted going wrong. This would have been 18 weeks. My son had his birthday, his great grammother would have attended, and she would have been losing her fight with cancer.
I still hadn't been gaining any weight. I only gained four pounds, I was losing and losing. I made it to 23 weeks of pregnancy only gaining 4 pounds or only gaining back four of the pounds I had lost.
The next week would have been spent going and seeing my husbands grandmother in the hospital. She passed around Mothers Day, we had all her services.
I had my 21 week appointment and we heard the babies heart beating, it seemed normal even though they stopped growing now two weeks ago.