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I had just moved to be with my now fiancee, I was haooy to be out of the house and on my own with the man I will be with forever, but since I am here in this post you all know that things didn't turn out well. Things were just fine we barely made it by, lived on nothing but ramen. I was there a few months and when we couldn't just barely scaroe by we moved into his friend's place with their large family. That was all fine until we lost our car. We were hit by an ambulance. I lived about thrity miles from work and couldn't always get a ride. I worked at Wal-mart at the time so they don;t take too kindly on calling in constantly. I developed an infection that lasted a couple weeks, this was a urinary tract infection so I knew if I let it get too bad I could loose my kidneys. Well, when I went in they took a preg test because I wanted to get on birth control. I had tried previously at the health department, they denied me because I have very heavy, irregular periods. They can last u to two months or last as short as two days. I can bleed so bad I suffer from blood loss or I can barely bleed. I can also skip a month and that's all normal for me. It runs in the familty there so it's no surprise.
I told the doc that and she said that she wanted to test me just in case because irregular operiods can cover up pregnancies. Sure enough I was. I was stunned. I thought all was lost because I was pregnant. I told my now fiancee and he desided not to react upon it just yet because we wanted to desuss what to do before telling the rest of the household. That was september 1st 2009. He worked a night shift and I was sitting with his friend outside waiting for him. I had suddenly felt hot liquid running down my leg. I ran to the bathroom and saw it was blood, I was scared. I was bleeding so much and still I didn't panic, I couldn't. When I desided to walk out and tell his friend to tell him to see me in the bathroom I had gone back to the bathroom. He came in and later on we woke someone to go to the er wich was luckily down the road. All they said is that my count was good, I was glad to have him by my side at that time. I was told to do a follow up at an OB office and I had an ultrasound that day, two weeks later after the er. I had descovered that I had lost our kid on September 3rd 2009.
In the two weeks I had found that I wanted that child, I still can't tell my family to this day. I have mustered up the curage to talk to my soon to be step-mom. I hope it goes well...... I have tried to get rid of the depression but I can't alone. My fiancee can only help so much. I had found out I was four and a half months along, I was in my second trimester and didn't know it. Because of that fact I had accedentlily killed it. I picked up a case of water and hit myself, I kew it didn't feel right when it hit, I just didn't know what it ment till later.
I know this place is just for mommies but I was going to be. Things went well with my dad and his wife to be. They helped me a little, I just want to go back in time and never loose that kid. It was my first kid and I am natuarlly a very maternal woman, so it was a hard blow. Loosing that kid had awoken the dormant portion of those motherly instincts.....I have nothing to mother. All I have is a cat that avoids me. I just don't know what to do..... I was 18 when I lost the kid and I am 20 now.... I know I'm young and I should live life to the fullest, but I am being torn apart by my loss and I don't know if what I want is what I should be doing..... I need that kid I know I want one badly deep down and that I would be a good mother, I am not in the best of jobs right now but it's a steady job. My age is really the only thing that is making me second guess myself. I don't know if I should be miserable and hide it for a few more years and be remonded of what I lost with every pregnant woman and every child I see (And I see a lot of them in a day) or if I should say screw it, this is what we want reguardless of my age and job. I know my fiancee has been trying to get a better job for a while and one will come through eventually, so I am not worried about the job thing too much.... It's really my age that holds this confusion over me right now...... What should I do? I know the only way to stop this depression is with having a kid...... I just don't know if it's the right thing to do....