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I went to my Dr's appointment as normal. I would be 38 weeks in a few days so they asked if I wanted to be checked. I had been having pretty strong Braxton Hicks and some cervical pain so I said, "Yes, please do, I want to know if anything is happening down there!" I was so ready to be done. My hips had been sliding in and out really badly and it was getting hard to walk. So, he checked me and said "Okay, you're dialated about a centimeter and a half and...oh my gosh I can feel her head!" She wasn't engaged quite yet, as she pulled away from his touch, but she was very close. I left the office with the Dr. saying "We'll see you next Wednesday if we don't see you in the hospital first!" I was due May 14th, and I was determined to go into labor before that!
April 27, 2006
Husband's last final was in the morning, so in the afternoon my friend Shauna and I took a walk after he went to work. We climbed the stairs of the stadium, up and down. They caused some contractions, but not anything regular or time-able. No labor that night, I was disappointed.
April 28, 2006
Had some pretty serious cervical pain. So much so, that I was in tears when I went to the bathroom, but I had to go to the bathroom at least once an hour! No labor that night either, although I was SO sure it would be the night! However, I did throw up (for the last time while pregnant) after we came home from a friend's wedding reception. I still think it was the contractions!
April 29, 2006
I woke up feeling amazing, and strangely enough took that as a bad omen. My friends threw me a surprise baby shower, which was a lot of fun. I remember saying as some point "I almost don't care about the baby, I just don't want to be pregnant anymore!" I have felt guilty for that statement since. Right after I said it, I had a feeling that I would regret saying it for the rest of my life. I did 50 jumping jacks before bed. No labor that night either.
April 30th, 2006
I woke up in the morning with space between my belly and my bust! I could breathe! She had dropped. I was SO excited to be seeing my baby girl soon! And rather impatient too.
I went to work that evening. I had decided to work up until one week before my due date. The next Tuesday (May 2) was my last scheduled day. One of my other coworkers came in to visit. I told her that I thought I was leaking amniotic fluid. I wasn't, but I just had a general foreboding feeling. I knew something was going to change that night, and of course thought I was going to go into labor.
May 1st, 2006
It was my younger sister's birthday. She had been telling Cora since she found out that I was due May 14 that she should actually be born May 1. I called my sister, told her I wasn't in the hospital yet, sorry, but Happy Birthday! Then I took a shower. While the warm water was hitting my belly, I realized Cora wasn't moving. She always wiggled and stretched when I had hot water hitting my belly. I started trying to get her to move and was freaking out and sobbing in the shower. I tried to convince myself that I was just freaking out over nothing. I got out of the shower and got dressed, then made myself some koolaid. She always wiggled around when I drank cold liquids and sugary stuff, so I decided to make a cold, sugary drink. I also ate lunch (I had woken up around 11am). Still no movement. I walked in to where my husband was on the computer and told him to listen to my belly. He could sometimes hear Cora's heartbeat when he did that. He didn't hear anything, but I still had convinced myself that didn't mean anything. That's when I called the Dr's office, but from 12:30-1:30 they were on their lunch and nobody was answering the phones. We decided to go up to campus and turn in some paperwork that we needed, and then walked around campus a little bit. No contractions today, and Cora was no longer as low either. At 1:32 I called the Dr's office. They gave me over to a nurse and she proceeded to ask if I'd done all the things that they suggest for trying to get the baby to move. I was seriously freaking out by now and started to cry. She said come in and they'd check me out.
My blood pressure was high for the first time my entire pregnancy.
Dr. Barton pulled out the dopplar and couldn't find anything. I said "Dr, you're making me cry!" He said "Don't cry yet, I don't always find the heartbeat with that." But he looked worried (and we'd never had a problem finding the heartbeat after about 24 weeks!). He turned on the ultrasound machine. I couldn't look at it. He then said "Okay, you can cry now, there's her heart and it's not beating." I nearly screamed, "Is this some sort of sick joke??" But I looked at the screen and it was more than obvious he was serious. That and the tears in his eyes. I think I will always be grateful for those tears. They weren't the last, either. He checked me, and I was now 2cm dilated and 30% effaced. He said we could use his office and his phone to make the phone calls because our cell phones weren't getting reception in the back office. He used another phone to call the hospital and see when they could get me in to induce me. 7:30 the next morning was the soonest. So, my baby was dead, but I'd be pregnant for another 17 or so hours. That was the very definition of hell.
Our friends brought over dinner, and had plans for dinners for the week. My brother called and told me he was coming up. I told him I'd be in the hospital Tuesday, so he should come up Wednesday. They could only stay for a day.
Dr. Barton gave us some prescription sleep aids. That's the only reason I slept that night.
May 2, 2006
I don't remember much. I was really out of it the whole day. I was completely turned off. My friend Shauna says she could tell because I was cheerful. They had to trade my IV from one arm to the other because my vein collapsed. Two hours after they had started the petosin I was dilated to 4cm and 70% effaced. I asked for the epidural. The anesthesiologist got it into a vein twice and finally got it right on the third try. He was so mad. He kept saying "It's not like you're having a great day anyway, and here I am making it worse." He made up for it by turning it up so that I was completely numb. I never felt any of my contractions after that. Unfortunately, that meant they had to turn it down when I was ready to push, because I couldn't feel anything. I think he turned it down too much, because I felt myself tear when she crowned, and I felt Dr. Barton's stitches. All 6 of them.
Cora's umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck twice. It was so tight that Dr. Barton had to cut the cord before she could be fully delivered. He said that it probably pulled tight when she dropped the previous morning, and so, by the end of the day, she was gone.
June 17, 2006
It's our 1st anniversary. My husband and I, and my younger sister, Adrienne, and his younger sister, Kim, went camping at Jenny Lake, in the Grand Teton mountains. We took our sisters, because we had decided to have a memorial for Cora and spread her ashes out on the lake. It felt appropriate to have family there. We now have plans to return to Jenny Lake at least once a year, during the summer. Next year it may have to be late July or August, depending on when we get pregnant again, and when that baby is born. I think Jenny Lake is now my most favorite place on earth.
June 26, 2006
My best friend delivers a healthy baby girl. I was excited, but hearing her baby on the phone--and her talking to her baby--threw my loss into drastic reality. I still am having a hard time dealing with it.
July 2, 2006
Exactly two months after losing my baby girl, I go to visit my best friend as I'm driving through Provo, UT on my way to Las Vegas.
Telima and I had been planning on having a baby together since we were 17. We've shared all our major life events (we got engaged a day apart, married 5 weeks apart, and pregnant 2 months apart). But she has a baby and I don't. I'm still having a hard time with that.
July 26, 2006
My friend Stephanie went in to be induced today. She was due July 22. Why is it that I can't just be happy for my friends? Why does their happy event have to trigger so much grief for me?