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I dont even know where to begin. This is an entry that I wrote in my myspace blog that I think hits the nail on the head.
Current mood: crushed
I wake up this morning and stare at the bright blue sky I think about my dreams that are so much in reach. I begin my day on a high not knowing that these feelings will soon be fading away right before my eyes. I go about my day just to watch the sky start to turn dark and gray the clouds start rolling in and a storm is inevitable. As I watch each cloud roll in I watch each dream roll out. Those dreams that were in such reach now seem so far away. With each dream that disappers dehind the horizan my heart starts to break piece by piece. I start to hear a voice inside me thats trying to tell me something but I can't hear it. Before long my heart is no longer whole. Theres only a few pieces left. I can no longer see the beautiful colors of the earth only the gray of the sky that now is in my heart. The dreams I once thought were going to be part of my life were no longer there. Only broken promises I made to myself. Some might say that my only choice is to make new dreams and promises but knowing what could happen to them in a blink of an eye makes me no longer want to give my heart up to it all over again. As I lay my head on my pillow that night, all those dreams start dancing in my head again. Only this time I know what tomorrow will bring and as I close my eyes the dreams start to fade away into the darkness. Some dreams are just not meant to be....
I just cant get these thoughts out of my head. Its so hard to be living your life for someone else just to have it ripped away from you in the blink of an eye. I just want my baby back. I would give my own life just so my baby could have lived. I know someday I will be able to start trying again but I wish it didnt have to be this way. I cant seem to find the joy in life right now. I just wish that I could ask god this one question, WHY, WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE MY BABY. WHY NOW????????
I just dont know what else to say at this point. Everyone tells me to take it one day at a time. But I dont want to. I want to go back to a day when my baby was live and well. I wish there was SOMETHING that I could have done to make the outcome different. I cant talk about this anymore for now. There are no more tears left in me to shed. Or so I think.