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Conceived on October 30, 2006…Miscarried on December 12, 2006 at 8 weeks.
December 12th…today Hannah and I went to the doctor’s for an ultrasound to see the baby. I was 8 weeks pregnant. I had been to the doctor’s at 5 ˝ weeks pregnant. The doctor did an ultrasound at that time and could only see the yolk sac. He told me that I was probably not as far along as I thought. I told him that was impossible because I knew when we conceived…October 30th. I felt uneasy about the ultrasound and called the doctors office the next day. My next appointment was originally scheduled for December 27th and I told them that I could not wait that long to make sure that everything was okay. The girl spoke to the doctor in the office and he said that I could come back in a few weeks for another ultrasound to put my mind at ease…December 12th. They brought me into the ultrasound room and Hannah sat in the chair next to me. While the doctor tried to find the baby, I stared at Hannah, who was just smiling at me from ear to ear…as to say “It’s okay Mommie”. I knew when a minute passed and the doctor didn’t say anything that it was not good news. The doctor then said with a soft spoken voice “I’m sorry Stacey…this is not a successful pregnancy.” He showed me the screen and you could see how the gestational sac had shrunk. It was not a viable pregnancy from the beginning. I was in shock. I started to feel like I was going to pass out and asked him for a glass of water. I felt so bad for bringing Hannah to my appointment because I told her that she was going to see the baby in Mommies belly. Although she did not understand what the doctor was saying, she could tell that something was not right because I looked over at her and she was sad. When we got home later on, she drew me a picture of a bunch of little circles and said to me in a sad voice “This is for you Mommy….this is bad luck”. She never asked at the doctors office why we didn’t see the baby…she just knew. I am glad in a sense that she was there with me, because she kept me composed because I had to be strong in front of her. The doctor told me that I could let the miscarriage happen on its own, or I could go in for D&C Surgery. I told him that I wanted a D&C. I could not function knowing that my dead baby is inside me and wonder when I would start hemorrhaging. He said that the office would call me when they had me scheduled at the hospital. It wasn’t until I called Rose and Shawn that I broke down in the car. Hannah asked me if I was crying and I just said “Mommy is only joking…she’s being silly.” I called Shawn and told him and he said that he would be on his way home. I just cried and cried the whole night. It all feels like a terrible dream that I am going to wake up from. Today is Wednesday, December 13th. I am still waiting to hear back from the doctors. I just want this over and done with. I am so afraid of this happening on it’s own…because I know it is painful. Shawn has not said much, he just doesn’t know what to say or how to deal with it. I feel so bad for Hannah. She was so excited about being a big sister. She would tell me how she was going to help me take care of the baby. She would tell me that she would help me out with feeding, story time, play time, nap time, and bed time. She was so excited every time she saw a baby. When we were in the doctors office before they called us in, a girl had a newborn and Hannah’s whole face just lit up and she said “look Mom….a Baby!” My heart breaks for her. I feel like I’ve let her down the most. I am hoping that I can get pregnant again and maybe we won’t have to tell her what happened. This is not something that I will ever forget. I am so thankful and blessed to have Hannah in our lives. If we did not have her, I don’t know how I would cope.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Well I go in tomorrow morning at 6am for my D&C. I am scared, emotionally a wreck, and angry. Just knowing that I am walking into that hospital pregnant and leaving there empty is tearing me apart. I almost wish that I was not having a "silent miscarriage"...I almost wish it just happened suddenly where I started to bleed b/c I still feel pregnant...I am still nauseous and my breasts still hurt. One minute I'm fine, the next I break down and cry.
I know "it wasn't meant to be" and "this is your bodies way of knowing that something just wasn't right" and "be thankful that you weren't further along"...I've heard these lines the past few days and it doesn't make it hurt any less.
It's going to be a long road ahead.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Physically I feel fine. Emotionally I am a wreck. Yesterday I was fine. I cried before they brought me into surgery. Today I cannot stop crying. I am depressed. I do not want to do anything. I have never ran in my entire life, yet I have this incredible urge to put on my sneakers and run as fast as I can until I cannot breathe anymore. This just isn’t fair. I want my baby in my belly where he belongs. I’ve been sitting here at the computer for the past hour listening to the same song over and over….”Somewhere Over the Rainbow” by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. This is so hard to accept. I am numb. I am suppose to return to work this Monday…I don’t know if I can. I just want to crawl into a hole and fall asleep and wake up from this nightmare. I have never felt so alone in my life. Those words coming from the doctors mouth…I could physically feel them hit me…they took my breath away. At that moment, my whole world stopped and I could not breathe. It was like those words came out of his mouth in slow motion…I could see them coming towards me, getting ready to hit. When they did, it was like they sucked the oxygen out of me. I know in my heart that our baby was a boy…Noah Michael. I don’t think anyone understands my grief, but I know I lost a child that was in my womb, even if only for 8 weeks. I know our Angel grew wings and he is in heaven now, but will always be in my heart.
My baby angel…I never got to feel you kick in my stomach, or hold you in my arms, or kiss you baby face, but I love you just the same. I felt flutters in my tummy, but I know now that was when you passed.