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I dont know how to start. I guess theres no right and wrong way, just the way I feel I need to. So Im going to write to my darling angel.
I love you with all my heart. Every moment since they look you away from me I look to my stomach and ache when I realize you not in there. I wish to have you back with us so bad. You made me so happy. You were a surprise, but such a great surprise. We all love you so much, and we met for a such a short period of time. I guess God had better things for you do to than to hang out with us on Earth. I cant wait to see you again. Theres so much I want to say to you but I dont know how. Im just selfish. I love you little girl, with all my heart. I love you, so does everyone else.
Im having a horrible time sleeping. I guess it could be beacuse, I sleep all day long..but thats all I want to do. I feel horrible for DH and the girls. I keep thinking about how Im such a horrible mom. I went in to see them this morning, they were so happy. I didnt think theyd be up but they certainly were once they realized it was me kissing their beautiful foreheads. Its the first time, Ive been with them since I lost Journey, and I didnt feel sorry for Journey..I actually felt sorry for the girls. We all met Journey, except for my babes. They didnt. They stayed with my neighbors. They didnt understand. When they are older Im going to make sure they understand that they have a beautiful baby sister up in Heaven, who wanted to met them but they were too little.
So at 6am this morning I took my girls from my bed and brought them downstairs with me. No one else was up. It was like it used to be. Just me and my girls. It helped me alot. I have them, they need me. Although I still feel like I betrayed them I cant help it. I didnt ask for my milk to dry up, nor did I want this to happen. It did and we just have to go with it. I love my girls with all my heart and although I love Journey with all my heart and I still want to cry for hours being angry with everything I got, that wont bring her back. Nothing will. Time moves on wether shes here or not. The twins get older whether shes here or not. And I need to be there for them. They are close to turning 2 (well of course that about 7 months off) but they have grown up so fast and if Im off crying about Journey Ill miss out on them getting older. I dont want that to happen. Im glad I have my girls, I dont know where I would be if I didnt.
We laughed and played all this morning. I still think Ive been a bad mom, but Im not gonna be anymore. Im gonna be there for my DH and my girls, like I used to. Its gonna take sometime for me to realize that Journeys not gonna be coming home, but with my girls and DH I know I can get through it.
DH has taken the loss very lighter than I have, although I think that because I was such a mess he had to pull himself together for the girls. To keep our family together. Im gonna talk with him tonight. See how hes really doing.
Im at a loss for words now, which is so unusual for me. Now Im going back and thinking about everything I regret. Stuff I should have done, I should have started my pregnancy journal sooner, I would have more memorys of Journey. I shouldnt have started her room so early. Now it hurts to see it. I want to have another baby, but I dont because that room will be their room, and to me that room is only Journeys. I dont know whether I should take it down, leave it alone. I go in there alot and sit in the rocker and cry. Its very peaceful and I like it there. It helps me heal, but DH wants to get rid of it. Hes healing alot different than me, by just ignoring and forgetting. I cant do that, shes my baby girl.
I still have so much I want to tell you. Today your daddy told me he wants to pack up the little we had boughten for you. Im not ready to. I like having it around, it reminds me that your still up there watching over me. Although yes, we do have your footprints framed and hung up, along with your u/s picture. But I like having the baby clothes hung up in the closet, or the rocker with my glider in your room, even the changing table I like having in there. Its just too soon for me to take it all down. I feel like your still with me, Im afarid if we put it away I wont feel like your with me anymore. I dont know, your daddy thinks Im being silly, but I dont think I am. He wants to reuse your clothes too. Not that you actually used them, but I bought them for you, not a different baby. He thinks itd be a waste of money to pack them up and never use them, but I dont think so. I have tons of baby girl clothes but I wanted you to have your own. Your father and I disagree on alot about stuff concerning you and your stuff. Go figure. I love you sweetie.
My milk finally came back in. I cant believe it, and Im so happy that it did. Bout god ###### time!!!! The girls were really happy. So tonight at bedtime Im gonna go up with them and do something I havent done in a week, nurse them to sleep. They were so excited when I came down from my bath and asked them if they wanted a boob. Poor girls have been so deprived of their favorite thing for so long.
I found out last night that my older sister is pregnant. Her DH and her have been trying for over a year. Im happy for her but at the same time Im like why now? I just keep thinking Journey and her cousin would have been so close. Only like 3 months apart. I feel like a bad sister, cuz Im kinda mad at my sister.