Log In Sign Up

Bobbie's Journal


Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Pregnancy Loss Journals LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #21  
March 13th, 2007, 02:56 PM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
Tuesday 3-13-07

I am feeling really drained today. Not what I expected. I just took my temp and it is rising. It's 99.3 right now, not a big deal, but I am keeping my eye on it. My head is pounding....like I can feel the blood pumping between my ears. I took two advil, but it didn't help. I am hot and shaking. My tummy hurts from the inside. It's a dull aching pain. It doesn't hurt if you push on it from the outside, but just sitting here hurts.

I did eat and am drinking Gatorade. Maybe if I take a nap I will feel better. It's just so beautiful outside. It's unusually warm. The cats even want out and they are indoor cats...LOL

I started clotting a little again. I guess that's a good sign. And I switched to a panty liner!!! WOOOHOOOO I hate hate hate hate pads. If I never have to see one again it will be too soon.

I also really wish we could start the baby making again now. I hate waiting. I want to go back to normal life. I want to be able to take a bath. I know doing both those things could cause my body harm right now so I will wait. One doctor said two weeks yesterday and one said a month. I will go with the two weeks as long as my cervix is closed at my follow-up in two weeks.

Dave made pot roast before he left for work, so I don't have to worry about what's for dinner. Yay!

I also finished the book I was reading "The Memory Keepers Daughter". It was pretty good. Now I am going to start a new one....not sure which yet.

The kids have spring fever and are outside in flip-flops....LOL It's about 65 here today. Better than 30!
__________________
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

Reply With Quote
  #22  
March 14th, 2007, 08:36 PM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
Wednesday, 3-14-07

I still feel tired today when I am up for a couple of hours. I am going to try and go back to work Saturday. Maybe even Friday. I just am not sure how I will feel by then. I am soooo ready emotionally to go back, but physically I am still beat. It doesn't take much to wear me out.

I am only spotting very light and it's now brown. I am happy for that!

I got flowers from Dave's parents today. That was sooooo sweet of them. This pregnancy and loss has brought me closer to them. I am thankful for that.

I have a new worry. I worry that I will be one of the unlucky ones whose milk comes in. I guess I will know soon. That would not be fun! My body made it to almost 15 weeks. UGH

We bought scrapbook paper for the pages for this baby today. I feel really good about that. I just can't wait to print the pictures now
__________________
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

Reply With Quote
  #23  
March 15th, 2007, 11:18 AM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
Thursday 3-15-07

Today isn't a good day. I feel pretty depressed. I have been crying, my tummy feels likes it is still cramping. I just want to stay in bed all day. I need to get up and get over to the dr's office to get my note for work though. It just makes me want to cry more. I don't want to get up today.

I couldn't sleep again last night. I just couldn't stop thinking about losing this baby. I really miss being able to at least carry my baby even if she wasn't alive. It was comforting to know she was still there before. I just feel empty right now.

I had horrible dreams last night. I even woke up crying in the middle of the night. I also forgot to put Amanda's clothes in the dryer for her before I went to bed. I felt HORRIBLE this morning. I know I let her down and probably ruined her day. It's tough being twelve!

Part of me want to be pregnant again right now so I have something positive to think about. When I really think about it though.... I wanted THIS baby. I want my baby back. I just want to curl up and cry.

I also really want to have sex again. The waiting sucks. It is making me frustrated knowing I want to and can't yet. Dave was a bit shocked last night when I told him that. I guess he figured that would be the last thing on my mind right now. He fell asleep with his hand on my tummy. That made me want to cry too. I know he wants our baby back as much as I do.

My bb's are sore again. I know my hormones must be really messed up right now. I think I am going to buy some Dollar Store HPT's to see if I can tell when my levels get back to normal. Plus it will give me somthing to do.

I love these boards, but it can get so depressing to see all the loss everyday. It also hurts to go on the Sept DDC and see everyone happy and knowing that is now lost to me. I also really miss the laughter over there and am curious to see how they all are doing. I just can't win. One of the girls just posted that she is having a girl. She is the first to find out. I had a feeling she was having another girl. I am happy for her.

For the first time I am getting scared to think about ttc again. I feel like with this miscarriage my innocence regarding pregnancy was lost. It will be so hard to just be happy when I see a BFP again....if I do. It sucks to think that I was pregnant at 15 when I shouldn't have been and now that I should be, I can't have a baby. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my son and wouldn't do it any different if I could have but....why is it so hard now?

I also seem to be worried about everything in general right now. I worry about going back to work and having them mad at me. I worry if the kids are a couple minutes late. I worry about silly things too.

I just want to feel good again. I don't want to cry anymore. I want my baby back. I wish we had named this baby. I wish I didn't flush that ###### toilet! I wish I could have at least been able to say goodbye. I wish this baby was alive and I could be one of the ones feeling her kick for the first time this week. I would have been 15w1d. It's been 4 weeks today since we lost the heartbeat on the doppler. Life sucks..........
__________________
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

Reply With Quote
  #24  
March 16th, 2007, 05:09 PM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
Friday 3-16-07

Yesterday I went to my Dr's office and got my note. I then took it to work and got my disability papers. I talked my boss and store manager. They were both okay with me not being able to go back until Tuesday. They also said I look like crap. They said I look yellow, pale and like I lost 10 lbs. By Tuesday I will have been out of work for 17 days. UGH It's going to be hard to go back. I like being home. Not for this reason though.

I bought some dollar store hpt's yesterday. I got a faint second line. Maybe my levels will drop soon...I hope.

I have been lazy today. Just surfing the web for cruise info. It's fun planning the cruises they just go by so fast.

Dave and I had sex last night. I know I really shouldn't have but..well... it happened. I just really missed that part of us. I want to have a normal life back. I won't do it again until after my dr's apt. I hope I don't get an infection.

I have been scrapbooking the cruise my mom and I went on. I bought some new stickers and paper. It's very relazing and so much fun.
__________________
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

Reply With Quote
  #25  
April 8th, 2007, 07:28 PM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
April 8, 2007 Almost 4 weeks since the D&C.... 7 weeks since we lost the baby's heartbeat.

Happy Easter!!!!

Well it's been just about a month. The bleeding stopped at 2 weeks exactly. It was heavy at 1w6d and then the next day just gone. It's been nice to not have to worry about pads or liners. I thought for sure I was ovulating three days ago. (CM was stretchy and clear) But today I saw the first sign of spotting again. I am really feeling PMS coming on, so I doubt it's implantation bleeding. I would be so HAPPY if it was, but I am not feeling the preggo vibes. It's PMS vibes for sure.

We leave for our cruise at the end of the week (Friday). I can't wait! I have been tanning and beating up the treadmill. I am dying my hair for the first time in a year right now. It feels like ages ago that I did all these things. I feel human again. I still have a tummy though from being preggo. It sucks, but I am sure I can get it to go away soon.

I have been really good about staying away from alcohol. Just an occasional glass of wine or two. I guess that was one of the great things that came out of this pregnancy. It stopped me from drinking so much and made me realize just how crappy too much wine made me feel sometimes if I drank too much of it.

Work was fun today. It was dead there, so we just had fun with everyone while getting things done at the same time. I got the infant/toddler girls dept back to where it should be. It looks so good right now.

Hopefully I will wake up tomorrow to AF. I would like to get that out of the way before vacation. We'll see

It's time to rinse my hair.....I hope it looks good......
__________________
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

Reply With Quote
  #26  
April 10th, 2007, 10:00 PM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
Tuesday April 10, 2007

Well AF is definately here. Yesterday started out light and then got heavy by night and is still a little heavy. I am just glad to be "normal" again. Okay.... I know I am not normal.....LOL

Time to eat something and go to bed.....
__________________
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

Reply With Quote
  #27  
April 11th, 2007, 10:02 PM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
Today is a bad day. I miss being pregnant so bad I just want to cry It is so hard today. I just really wish I was still having my baby. Life sucks sometimes.

I can't explain why I feel like this I just do. I want my baby back!
__________________
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

Reply With Quote
  #28  
November 20th, 2007, 04:39 PM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
Tuesday November 20, 2007 4w1d pregnant

Well here I am again. I tested positive at 7DPO and then again at 10DPO. Since then my tests have not gotten darker. I had great symptoms...sore boobs, nausea, thirsty, peeing a lot, tired, and then two days ago it just all went away and the tests started getting lighter. I had a blood draw at 11dpo that was inconclusive(5-10HCG). I went again today at 15dpo and am waiting for the results. I already know what they are going to be though. I don't need a needle in my arm to tell me.

I once again am just waiting for my body to know it's over and start the process all over again. I am guessing from the cramping it will be by morning. Amanda asked me why I can't seem to keep babies.... I wish I knew the answer to that one
__________________
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

Reply With Quote
  #29  
November 23rd, 2007, 10:24 PM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
Friday, November 23, 2007

Well the m/c started Wednesday 11/21. The cramps have been horrible and constant for two days. The bleeding isn't so bad though. Lots of clots but not heavy flow. I can't use tampons though they HURT! Today is day three and the bleeding seems to be just about gone and the cramping is just every couple of hours. It seems like all the cramping and pain has been on my left side. I am not sure why that is. It's weird.

Emotionally I feel just fine. I am mad as hell that I can't seem to keep my babies, but there isn't anything I can do about it...so I will just keep trying and pray that eventually I actually get to hold one of them.
__________________
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

Reply With Quote
  #30  
February 22nd, 2008, 08:56 AM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
Friday 2-22-08 5w1d

Here we go again. I just called the Dr's office for my beta results. On 2-11 they were 29. On 2-14 they were 129. Doubling every 44 hours. Now on 2-21 they were 288. Doubling every 145 hours. NOT good. I am going to m/c again. I can just feel it deep in my heart. Two days ago I just felt something was wrong. I totally lost the pregnant feeling....that connection I felt with the baby.

Now I wait......



UGH!
__________________
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

Reply With Quote
  #31  
February 25th, 2008, 07:09 PM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
Monday, Feb. 25, 5w4d

I had blood work done again today. I will get the number in the morning. I am pretty sure I know it isn't going to be good. I feel a lot of pelvic pressure right now. I am so tempted to go to the ER so I can have one u/s to remember this pregnancy by. I feel like even though the connection to this tiny baby was great I feel empty, like I have been given nothing. I am just so sad that I can't see to keep my babies growing strong. I wonder what is wrong with me that my babies can't thrive. I am just so sad.

I just did another HPT and the line looks a little lighter. Granted it was just an internet cheapie.... it still makes me *know* things aren't going well.

This baby may be a miracle and grow strong.... God I hope so. But I have a feeling miracles aren't in my cards.

I wish tomorrow could be here now. I just want to know if the numbers went up enough or not.

__________________
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

Reply With Quote
  #32  
February 29th, 2008, 08:31 PM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
Friday 2-29-08 6w1d

I am now spotting my numbers went from 29 to 129 to 288 to 566 to 566. I never went back for the last draw today.

The spotting is pretty light and is mainly pink with just one tiny clot. My cervix is not open yet and feels the same as it has during this pregnancy. To top off the fact that the m/c is starting I got a HORRIBLE head cold. My back aches, the back of my legs ache for some reason and I just feel miserable. The cramping has started a little too. I just hope this starts and ends fast. I just want to get back to TTC so we can maybe one day get one that sticks. I am not giving up hope yet. Next time I am not getting betas done. I would rather not know. I would have liked to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy. I feel like I robbed myself of a week of being happy. Live and learn

I am greatful for the time I had being pregnant. At least now I know it can happen. It could be worse. It could be IVF babies we keep losing. I will count my blessings and keep praying for the best.
__________________
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

Reply With Quote
  #33  
March 3rd, 2008, 04:42 PM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
Monday 3-3-08 6w4d

The m/c has begun. I think. Today is the first day the cramping has been so bad it is sometimes hard to breathe. It was really bad all day up until about 4pm. It is now 6:30 and it seems to be gone. I have only had about two medium size clots total. Nothing even as bad as a normal period. I went to the Dr's today at 1:00. I was a little early so I decided to use the 1st floor bathroom. As I was peeing I heard this *plop*. I looked down and saw a small clot. I fished it out of the toilet (EWWWW) cause I just had to see if it was a tiny sack. Nope nothing. It just looked like a small piece of tissue. That is the only thing that I have passed that was out of the ordinary. It's just so weird. I would expect to be bleeding and clotting. My cervix feels open and swollen. I just wish my body would get this over with.

Anyways....so I called this morning to cancel my apt for Wednesday. Instead of cancelling they asked me to come in today for an u/s and apt. The u/s showed the same as last time. Nothing anywhere. They did see a small cyst on my left ovary and some fluid around it. He said it is normal in pregnancy. He is worried that this pregnancy may be in the tube and wants more bloodwork done and took me out of work until Thursday. If my numbers are under 200 he said I can most likely go back to work and can m/c naturally. If the numbers are still up we will have to discuss where to go from here. Anything over 200 and we risk the tube bursting if indeed it is in the tube. I am going to have the lab done tomorrow. I went through enough today. One more *thing* and I think I would have really lost it.

I bought some FRER's today to see if it looks like the HCG is going down. Well the test line is still slightly darker than the control. I am guessing they aren't down as much as I would like. This is so frustrating. Why does it have to take so long?

I am still up in the air as to when to consider my m/c date. As of right now I still feel like it has just begun and isn't really started yet. I even woke up a couple times last night because my bbs were killing me. I still fell like my body is pregnant with no baby. It's weird.

__________________
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

Reply With Quote
  #34  
January 28th, 2010, 08:24 AM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
It's been a while since I updated my journal.


Matthew was born on February 7, 2009 at 8:23am. We did injectable fertiliy drugs and IUI. We conceived the first cycle! He is a true miracle. It has almost been a year and all the heartache and loss while still a part of me, feels like just a bumpy ride to happiness. I am totally in love with my child and am so glad we never gave up on TTC.

Here is my birth story.....

Matthew James came into my life on Feb 7, 2009. He was 8lbs 9oz and 22 inches long. He has all his little fingers and toes. He is a very easy going sweet newborn. We planned on having all the kids in the delivery room but in the end only Stephany(18) stuck around for the long haul. My mom and Dave were also there with me.

The details are a little fuzzy...all days seem to run together now. It's been 2 nights and I have had a total of about 5 hrs of sleep.

We came in on Thursday at 9:30pm to start the induction. They were supposed to use cytotec but after I looked up the drug...there is NO WAY in hedoublehockey sticks that they were putting that in me. It is not FDA approved for use in pregnancy. It baffles me that dr's are so pushy about a drug that is not for use in the way that they push it. After lots of questioning as to why I didn't want it and being made to feel like I am some idiot they gave me the cervidil instead. Cervidil is FDA approved, but costs more money and doesn't react as fast, but can be managed. Cytotec cannot be stopped once started. Anyways....

They put that in around 11pm and gave me Ambien to help me sleep. Well, that was useless. I still didn't sleep. Hospital beds are not comfy and there is just too much going on to sleep. Plus the dumb BP cuff went off every 15 minutes from the time I got here, to the time Tank got here. UGH Good news is my blood pressure stayed normal the entire time with only one exception when it went over 140/90. I did start seeing flashing lights during the induction that scared the heck out of me, but reaffirmed any doubt I had about this induction being necessary. That was scary.

We woke up Friday morning and at 7:30 they announced a fire on the 6th floor. (3 above us) our room smelled like smoke so we had to leave for a while and walked around for a bit and chatted with the nurses on the floor. Turned out to be nothing... probably a ballast(sp?)

After the cervidil they started Pitocin on Friday at 12:00pm. I wanted a natural drug free birth free from any interventions. God laughed at my plans. And I am talking a big belly laugh not chuckles. As soon as the real induction began I was then hooked up to an eternal fetal monitor, contraction monitor, IV and BP cuff. Four things on my body attached at all times that made me feel like a prisoner in my bed and made me miserable. When I came in the dr's exam did not reflect my dr's exam.... so the induction was rough. My body really wasn't ready. Tank wasn't ready either...but I knew I NEEDED to get him out. My body was not handling pregnancy very well any more. I do not regret my decision, but it makes me sad that this was how a pretty good, and definately happy pregnancy had to end. I feel like I cheated my little man out of the birth he could have had.

At 4pm Friday they broke my water. I was 3cm. I have never seen so much water in my life. It was amazing. The nurses were shocked at the amount of fluid. It was actually funny. They kept upping the pitocin. The contractions were mild but consistant. Tanks heart rate kept dropping throughout the induction though.

Friday night around 10pm I felt like I was in transition. I was shaking, crying, and just having a meltdown. I really felt like it was going well and I would be told we were almost there. They checked me and I was only at 4cm. At that point i was on the birthing ball next to my bed. (Amazing thing to labor on.... if your hospital has one, give it a try....amazing!) With the pitocin our hospital requires a nurse to be in the room at all times. My nurse at that point was GREAT. Tanks hb kept getting *lost* on the monitor because every contraction I had made the monitor slip down. So on the print out it looked like he was in distress but in reality it was the dumb monitor in distress, not my little Tank. My nurse knew exactly what was going on and that he was fine. She even called in to the desk to tell them what was happening so no one came running. Well after about an hour my doctor had had enough of thinking he was in distress and came in and ordered the internal fetal monitor. She was really getting scared. UGH...good that she wanted to be sure but bad for me because now I had to have something else done to me that I sooooo didn't want. Getting that darn thing put on his head hurt like you can't believe.

At that point I was still at 4cm and the baby was very high. Basically my labor was really stalled and I was starting to feel real pain. I now had a tube running between my legs and I was super annoyed at how things were going. I was also starting to get emotional because all I could think is once one thing goes wrong it starts the medical waterfall that almost always ends in a c-section for *failure to progress* I lost it. I kicked everyone out of the room (three of our kids and my mom) and I had a melt down. I was crying because everything was going so wrong. This was exactly the opposite of what I envisioned. After my melt down I felt ten times better.

Around midnight I was in serious pain. I felt like I was going to be fully dilated at my next exam. I was crushed to hear I was still at 4cm with no change. During this time Tank was really looking like he was in distress. My dr decided she now wanted an internal contraction monitor too. I lost it. Everything felt like it was going wrong that could. I only wanted to go home and would have if I could. I could not use the tub or shower due to all the crap hooked up to me and I was really upset. I felt so out of control.

Around 2am I was in the worst pain of my life and could not get through it no matter what I did. For the first time in my life I could not deal with the pain. I was begging for a c-section, but got my head together and realized I had to have an epidural if I was going to have this baby. I was STILL at 4cm and the pitocin was cranked way up and they would not back it off. My nurse was a jerk at that point too and did nothing to help me. She was the worst nurse I have ever had. She ignored my questions and was anti natural birth. She would not get the kids extra blankets or pillows and refused to do anything to make them more comfortable. Everyone was miserable.

I asked for an epidural and it was in by 2:30am. Of course now I had to have a catheter too.... just another tube coming out of my body. I really felt like I was going to end up having a c-section by the time this was over. Everything was going sooo wrong. Tanks hb was really showing some distress at that point. I was now scared for my baby too. Somewhere around 4am...Tank and I had a talk. It was then I decided on his name. I think in my mind I was scared to get too close to my baby. I was afraid if I named him he wouldn't be real I guess. I could not stand the thought of losing him....so I guess I kept my self from loving him fully until then. After our little talk I felt at peace with my labor. I was doing what I had to do to get him here. Nothing else really mattered. I wanted a totally natural birth like I have had in the past, but it just wasn't meant to be. I let it go and forgave myself. I then fell asleep and slept for two hours. I woke up feeling like a new person and felt like I was ready to welcome this child.

I was talking to my nurse(she was sooo nice after I asked for the drugs...what a jerk) and found out that she was going off shift at 6:30am but would be there till 7:30am if I got to 10cm and was ready to push by then. I also found out the doctor I am more comfortable with was coming on at 7:30. They did a check and found out I was at 10cm around 7am. I then made a decision to at least have some control over my labor. LOL I told them I had no pressure and felt no urge to push. I was going to keep telling them that until shift change unless I felt like the baby was falling out. A little late to take control.... but it felt good to at least end my labor my way. By 7:30 I was feeling serious pressure. Here they call it passive descent when you just allow your body to push the baby down and just save the pushing for the last couple minutes. There is no reason to waste your energy and risk tearing by forcing the baby down with pushing. By allowing him to come down on his own slowly you usually stretch better and avoid an episotomy.

At 8:00am shifts had changed, I now had a nurse I loved (she was there the day before) and the dr I prefered. I was ready! I told them I felt pressure then...LOL In 23 minutes Matthew James was born.... with no tear and no episitomy! I FINALLY got my way on one thing that meant A LOT to me. I was dreading being cut. I was cut with both my other kids and never wanted to have that done again. My dr was amazing, my nurses were caring and positive. My baby was born healthy and happy. So what if I couldn't get the birth I dreamed of.... actually I did, it's just some of the details that got mixed up

Around 6am my kids had to leave they had stuff to do and I told them it was their choice to stay or leave. They chose to leave. I was really dissapointed but I didn't want to force them to stay. Dave's oldest daughter and my mom stayed. I am so glad Steph decided to tough it out. No one got any sleep that night, everyone was cranky. Steph and Matthew are going to have an amazing bond... I can tell. She is in love with her new little brother. She also has now witnessed the birth of another human being and I am sure it is something she will never forget. Matthew was in awe of his big sister just moments after birth. When he looked at her and turned his head to her voice wide eyed and alert I think he sealed the bond for life. She just can't get enough of him. I think it will make her and I closer too. God knows with step kids any extra bond you can get is a much added bonus. Step parenting is tough...LOL

Durning his birth right before pushing I was running a fever. Because of that Matthew and I are on *watch* for 48 hours. I have been given a couple does of penecillian (sp?) and we both need complete checks every two hours. It's frustrating, but I understand the need to be sure we are both okay.

While pushing I managed to do damage to my IV site and my hand swelled to a size I have never seen. It looked like I was bit by a snake. Iy hurt like heck and I could no longer use my right hand. Shortly after that I got up after delivery to use the bathroom and wash up and almost passed out due to blood loss. I thought for sure I was headed towards a transfusion. Due to the blood loss I was pretty much confined in bed for the day.

They had to take the IV out as soon as my hand swelled up and then I need a new on in my left hand. So now both hands were useless. It is really hard to nurse with useless hands. I was at the mercy of my wonderful nurses. Luckily they are GREAT with breastfeeding and my little man is a nursing pro so far.

Now it's 16 hours after his birth and I am finally feeling almost myself again. I am in love with my little man and so thankful for the help I have had from everyone around me. Luckily the visitors were kept to a minimum today and the ones I did have were just close family.

Now the adventure begins. I so look forward to where my life is going. The doctor who deliver Matthew is the same doctor who did my D&C with the loss of our first angel. I feel like I have come full circle and am so blessed with what I have been given. I finally feel at peace with life.
__________________
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

Reply With Quote
  #35  
January 28th, 2010, 08:31 AM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
In August 2009 when Matthew was 6 months old, I took a pregnancy test and got a BFP! The positive continued for a few days and then went away. I had a chemical pregnancy.

In December 2009. I was pregnant again. Same story as in August.... chemical pregnancy.

On Jan 14, 2010 I once again got a BFP at 8dpo! I am now 5w1d and so far so good. The babies heart should have started beating today. I feel really good about this pregnancy and pray it lasts. The losses have begun to take a toll on me emotionally and I think I am at the end of the TTC road. We found out a few days before the BFP that Stephany is pregnant. Dave will be a grandfather in July. It's so frustrating. I am mad as heck and feel like she took away our TTC plans. Who wants to TTC when a grand child is on the way. <sigh> This baby will probably be my last. I just hope in 35 weeks we are bringing him or her home.
__________________
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

Reply With Quote
  #36  
April 29th, 2012, 03:14 PM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
On 9/20/10 we welcomed Daniel Thomas into our family



At exactly 16 weeks, on 1/31/12, I woke up at 6:30am knowing something was seriously wrong. Then came the heavy bleeding and cramping. We headed to the ER where our worst fears were confirmed. We had lost our perfectly healthy baby boy. We had a CVS test done at 12 weeks after we were told we had high markers for Downs. The baby was healthy and we found out he was a boy. After that everything was going great. I heard his heartbeat on the home doppler every night right up until the night before he passed. I have his heartbeat recorded from that night. We will never know what went wrong that night while I slept. Noah will forever be in our hearts and I feels very blessed to have these pictures to share of our perfect but tiny little boy.

We have our pictures of sweet Noah here:
CaringBridge / Noah Darrohn / Welcome


On 4/25/12 at 9dpo we got another faint positive. I am now 13dpo and the line is just kind of staying put. I am praying this baby stays with me. Going for betas tomorrow
__________________
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

Reply With Quote
  #37  
May 1st, 2012, 03:45 PM
EverydayJoy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 6,669
I just wanted to say I'm sorry about your baby Noah.
I lost a little one just a few days prior to you on 1/24/12.
My condolences. And I did want to say, I took a peek at a couple of Noah's photos, and they were beautiful to see. Very sad, but even so little he was perfect.
__________________




Little Bud: Blooming in Heaven 1.24.12
Reply With Quote
  #38  
May 11th, 2012, 07:27 PM
JennyBaby2013's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,238
Noah was so perfect. I'm so sorry for your loss. *tons of prayers for an uneventful pregnancy*
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:16 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0