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DH and I had been not using protection for 4 years and had been trying for six months without success. We thought we would never have a baby. We took the month of November 2006 off. We went on a much needed vacation (our first since being together) and happen to conceive then. We were so excited about our new baby that we announced it to everyone at Christmas even though it was still so early. We just couldn't hide our joy.
Saturday, January 6, 2006
I was 9 weeks. I woke up the morning and I had a pink discharge after I went to the bathroom and wiped. I called my sister hysterical. She told me that I was fine and it was normal and I was okay. BIG sign of relief. It was DH b-day during the week and we picked this day to celebrate. We went to the movies and I wasn't feeling well. I hadn't eaten dinner yet but we got the restaurant I couldn't eat. I felt so sick to my stomach. We went home right after the restaurant so I could lay down.
Sunday, January 7, 2007 - 5:00 p.m.
I still had the pink discharge but I was doing well. We got ready to go out to the mall. I just had to pee quickly. The blood started coming out and I was at full panic. I called my sister and told she told me to go to the ER. So to the hospital we went. It was a 6 hour wait to see the doctor. The whole time we were waiting I knew the Hannah wasn't okay. The doctor said everything looked okay and to go home, that they had no funding to call in an u/s tech in the evening. He said to come back if the bleeding got worse. He said I could have my u/s tomorrow morning first thing in the morning. He left. The nurse came in and told me my apt was at 3 p.m. I lost it on her. How was I supposed to wait all that time to find out if Hannah was okay? All I can remember is holding DH hand as he takes me through halls and halls and halls. When we finally get out of the hospital I totally break down and cry so hard I can't stand up. DH guides me to the car and drives me home.
Sunday, January 7 - 12:00 a.m.
I was bleeding very hard. Then I passed a huge clot. I was hysterical. I thought it was Hannah. Back to the ER. The triage nurse told me I had to wait 6 hours again to see the doctor. I lost it on her. I told her I was not going to sit for 6 hours with a bunch of ppl that had a god ###### cold while I lost my baby. She started to cry and went to talk to the dr. He told her to tell me that there was no way in hell he was doing an u/s tonight and to go home. The poor nurse tried to move my apt up for the next day but couldn't. She felt really bad. She told me if I was bleeding badly I should stay. I told her all I cared about my baby and left.
Monday, January 8, 2007 - 3:00 a.m.
I was passing huge clots every hour and was not doing well at all. DH was waking me every half hour to pee and change my pad. Everytime I peed I passed a new huge clot. I was lossing way too much blood and I could feel it. Back to the ER. As soon as the nurse saw me she checked us in to an ER bed and hooked me up to IV. Apparently I had no color and looked really bad.
January 8, 2007 - 8:00 a.m.
I am transferred over to the u/s tech. DH comes with me. He hasn't slept yet. I know the u/s tech can't find Hannah when she asked to the vaginal u/s. When we get back to the ER room DH tells me he saw her and he looks so happy. He has never seen an u/s before. I know they couldn't find her and I have to tell DH. He finally breaks down. The nurse comes in quickly and tells us she is gone and leaves so we can cry. She leaves us alone for about an hour while we just cry and cry. The dr comes in. He says I can have a D&C but I will have to wait until there is nothing else in the ER. It could take 24 hrs he tells us. I just want to go home and cry so I decline. He offers pain meds and I decline. We go home. On the way I make DH stop and pick me up some cigrettes (a habit I quit when I was pregnant). I call my sister and tell her Hannah is gone. I don't have the strenght to call anyone else, she will have to do it. My Dad calls right away, he is crying but he tries to hide it.
The next week the pain is unbarable. I can't sit down and spend the next week walking circles around my tiny living room, my foster dog following me the entire time. I never thought the pain would be that bad. I call my dr and tell the secretary I will have those pain meds now that he offered in the ER. She calls me back and tells me he says I can have tylenol. I am mad. The pain is so bad I haven't slept all week. The pain stops around that Friday. I go into shock and feel numb about the loss. I won't feel the actually emotional pain again for two weeks but I didn't know that at the time. I bled for five weeks straight. I wish I stayed for the D&C. Two weeks after I lost Hannah I fall into the deepest depression I have every experienced. I don't leave the house and barely make it in for work. I don't answer my phone, clean my house, eat. All I do is sleep. I slept though three weeks of my life. Now I am just depressed all the time. DH tries to keep me happy and often takes me out to try to make me feel better when I get really bad. He still would like to try again. I still don't know if I can try again. I want my Hannah back. I cry for her everyday. I am scared to be pregnant again. I don't want another baby. I want my Hannah.
I have felt pg all week. It only made me feel more depressed. It made me realize that I don't want to be pg again right now. All I felt was fear. Total fear. I know I can't handle lossing another baby right now. I finally told DH how I felt and he went out and got a pg test. Negative. I thought that would make me feel better but it didn't. I really think it was making me so depressed because I felt like I did when I had Hannah. I am sure everyone that has lost a baby just wishes they could go back to when they had them inside them again. Maybe I was tricking myself into thinking that Hannah was still here. I don't know. I feel like I get worse everyday instead of better. People are starting to get annoyed at me now. I guess they expect that after two months I should feel better now, I mean she wasn't even born. I wish people could understand how it feels for me. DH still wants to try again but he is very understanding to the fact that I just can't right now. I think he also feels that if I lost another baby I would completely lose it. He says when I am feeling better we can try again. What if I am never feeling better? How can you ever be pg again and not worry the entire time? My friends that are pg are worried and I feel bad for them that I have caused them all this worry. Being pg is a time to be enjoyed. All I do is cause pain to all those around me.
June 25, 2007
I have been TTC for three cycles since Hannah left. I know this time I will be pg since I have just taken a new job and will be on probation for three months. And, of course, I am right. DH is excited but I warn him not to get too excited. I remind him of the pain of last time and tell him we need to keep this to ourselves so when we lose this one the pain will only be ours.
July 8, 2007
DH and I BD and there is pink spotting coming out. I start to cry and panick races through me. I know this feeling all too well. DH tells me that it is normal and not to panic. I try to calm myself down but I can't. I wait for DH to fall asleep and then I start crying uncontrolably. All week long the bleeding gets darker and darker. The knot in the pit of my stomach gets worse and worse.
July 12, 2007
We go to see DH's family doc. The apt was originally for a referral to a new OB. My old OB told me I was silly and my next baby will be fine so I don't want to see him again. I want to see someone that will take extra good care of me. Now that the bleeding has started so bad we are here for another reason. We talk with the doctor and he orders me an u/s for the next day. He doesn't sound convinced the baby is okay even though he tells me some bleeding is normal. When I go home I comfort myself by chatting with my JM friends but the cramps get bad and the bleeding gets bad. I am sure the baby is gone.
July 13, 2007
I wake up very late in the day because I was up all night with pain. The bleeding has slowed down so much. I am very hopefull that Dylan (that was the name we picked) will be okay. I pray and pray. I think in my head that if I want him enough or love him enough maybe God will let me keep him this time. I pray with all my heart that he is okay. DH comes home at noon because he can't stop crying at work. We wait and wait and wait until 7 pm for our u/s apt. The u/s tech shows me the screen and shows me where little Dylan should be, where he should be growing, but he is not there. He shows me over and over again life a knife repeatly stabbing me in the heart. I can see the screen. I can see he is gone. I leave the office but it isn't until I get home that I lose control and bawl and bawl. It takes me a couple of hours to call my Dad and tell him. I texted everyone else because I don't want to talk.
The pain I felt when I lost Hannah was unbarable. This time I feel different. I feel utter anger. I don't even know what I am angry at. I can feel the rage inside me though and I hate it. I am angry at so many things. I am angry that I didn't love Dylan enough for him to stay. I am angry it had to happen again. I angry that this time I had no physical pain to go with the emotional pain. Mostly I am angry that I have a little family growing up in heaven that I can't be with. I am just very angry. I don't want to feel this way, not when it is about my beautiful Dylan. I can't wait to get him added to my tattoo. Somehow it made me feel so better to have Hannah's name on me forever. Like she would always be with me. I need to have Dylan there with her. Hopefully I can go soon.