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BabyWanted 20, Angels journal.


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  #1  
April 18th, 2007, 06:58 PM
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April 9th - 14th


I'm going to start from when i started spotting brown to the end.


On Monday, the 9th, i started spotting brown. It wasn't alot just little bits, so Buddy and I decided to see what it was like on tuesday because since it was easter monday, the doctor wouldn't be open. On tuesday, it was the same, so we decided to go to the doctors just to be on the safe side and make sure the baby was OK.

The doctor said that he thought that the placenta had tore away from the uterus wall abit, and said that the only way it will heal completely is if, i'm off my feet for two weeks, so i was put on bedrest. He said that he'd send me for an ultrasound to make sure the baby was doing ok. He did some blood draws to check on my hormones and we went home.

On wenesday the 11th, at 4pm we went in for the ultrasound. At first Buddy was told to stay in the waiting room and she'd go get him when she was ready. I was expecting to see a almost 10 week baby and a strong heartbeat. My bladder was too full so i had to empty it, she tried again and still too full, so i empted more. She was able to see the sac, but she just looked and looked and i knew something was wrong because i'm pretty sure she would have said that she found the baby.

She told me to empty my bladder completely because she had to do a transvaginal and she said that while i was doing that she'd go out and get Buddy for me. I knew that something wasn't right because i was a day off 10 weeks pregnant, so a normal abdominal u/s would have been able to see the baby.

Buddy came in and she did the transvaginal, Buddy was able to see the screen and she labelled something "pod" and Buddy said "Whats a pod?" and she didn't say anything, she did have the nerve to mention that i hadn't shaved my legs.


She was finally done, told me to put my jeans back on and come and see her when i was done. She came past the room again and seen me crying and she said that i could stay in here until i was OK to go outside, i was told to wait for the films for my u/s which took like 30 minutes. All i wanted to do was go home. I was finally given the films and we opened the envelope they were in and seen a letter, so we opened it and read the contents. My heart sunk when i read that the sac only measured 7 weeks and that my baby had no heartbeat and there was no fetus. One line in the letter threw me, it said "On small focus, there is echoing from the tissue, not suggesting fetal morpholdgy" i didn't understand, i was thinking "Does that mean my baby has a small heartbeat, and because the baby isn't big enough it can't be seen?" that was what gave me some hope that my baby was ok.

The next day, Thursday, i went back to the doctors to get my results from the first hormonal check, get another blood test done, and so my doctor could have a look at the u/s films. He said that the "pod" was the baby, while its not a fetus, its an embryo. He couldn't tell if the baby was alive or not. My hormones came back at 19,907, perfect range for a 7 week pregnancy. He took more blood and told me to continue with the bedrest because it could be that the baby is the one that tore away from the wall abit and the baby would reattach itself, if it was alive, if not then i would just bleed till i miscarried.

On friday, i started to bleed red on and off, no cramps or anything. So i called my doctor and he told me that if i'm not having any pains then it could be that the baby is fixing itself and that its getting rid of the blood in the tear. He told me to put my feet up and relax.

On saturday, my appointment with the doctor was at 3pm, so we got there at 10 minutes to 3. We finally got in to see the doctor and he found my results, he looked at me and said "Sadly, the results aren't good, they have dropped to 16,000." I went numb, i felt like my heart was shattering. Buddy could tell that i was about to lose it, and so did the doctor. So he said that i would start to miscarry natrually. He said that if i hadn't passed anything or alot by Tuesday, that i would have to come back and he'd scedule an u/s and then i'd have to go in for a D&C. He told me to stop the bedrest and start walking around to loosen up everything.


I got back in the car, numb and heartbroken. I started crying. It was the worst day of my life. I got home and started cramping and i passed the first clot. Buddy had a look and said that he thought it was the baby.


Now 5 days on, i'm still slightly cramping, I've called the doctor and he told me its normal, he said that my uterus is contracting back to his orignal size and that they would quietly go away. I've passed alot. The doctor is happy that i've passed alot and said that its possibly i've lost it all, and that my first period after the miscarriage would help get rid of whatever i didn't.

I'm emotional drained. I cry on and off. Its the worst week of my life. Just two weeks ago, i thought i was having a healthy pregnancy, and a healthy baby and it was ripped away from me. Buddy and I said we'd start TTC again in August or September, it seems so far away. I feel that i want to try sooner, but i'm scared too.

We'll get there sooner or later.
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  #2  
April 20th, 2007, 06:13 PM
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April 21st 2007


So its been a week since i started to miscarry. The cramps have stopped and i'm waiting for the bleeding to subside. Its still emotionally draining, i cry when i see a baby or a pregnant woman (happened the otherday, seen 3 pregnant ladies, in one day). I passed another clot on Thursday, it was a decent size. Buddy had a look, and said that it was probaly the rest of the sac and maybe that was the last of it. I'm hopeing so. Whatever small bits i didn't lose, should come out with the first period.

I feel like changing the month we start trying again. Like maybe July or even June. I don't know. I guess i'm so scared that when i do get pregnant again, that i'll miscarry again and have to go through the emotional grief again, when i'm just barely scraping past it now. I don't think i could handle another miscarriage. This one was heartbreaking enough, i'm scared that my heart will shatter even more and i won't be able to fix it, and it will stay shattered.

Right now, it feels like there is a hole in my heart that i'll never get to replace, like that part of my heart is gone forever. I miss my angel everyday. I've been going through the WHAT IFs. Like what if i did that week differently? Would i still be pregnant? Would my baby be OK?


I want to be pregnant again, its not me wanting to fill the void of my lost angel because i will never want to replace that baby, but i have wanted a baby since i can remember, and the miscarriage makes me realize how much i want to be a mother.
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  #3  
April 24th, 2007, 07:14 PM
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April 25th


I'm finally finished bleeding. So i'm able to grieve without going to the toilet and seeing the blood. I have my good and bad days like everyone. My bad days are when i cry and get into a bad mood. I was thinking about everything and it hit me, after i had lost the baby (before i knew) i had dreams that i miscarried. Before the baby stopped growing and was growing and alive, i had dreams of giving birth to a healthy baby, two dreams of that nature actually. I think i was subconciously getting prepared for the worst when i was having the dreams i miscarried. I just thought of this, yesterday.

I'm now waiting for my first AF since my miscarriage. We've decided to TTC again in June, not August or September. We want to be pregnant again & know we're ready come June.

I will always love and miss my baby. I have folic acid, left over from my pregnancy, so i'm going to start taking them come June. I know they are good to start taking before becoming pregnant & I didn't do that when we concieved our angel.

I really, miss being pregnant.
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  #4  
April 30th, 2007, 05:39 AM
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April 30th

Things are getting a little better, with each day. It still hurts when i recieve the emails that i subscribed to for a week to week newsletter. I got one for the 12th week, i would have been offically in the 2nd trimester this Thursday. Now that is really devestating. I really need to stop them because i just can't handle being remindered of the week i'm meant to be in, when i'm not.

We decided to give our baby a name. I had a strong feeling that the baby was a boy. I have found myself calling the baby "him" or "He" and rather then saying that all the time and also saying "the baby" we decided to name the baby, Noah. That was the name we had picked out and i can't bring myself to use that name for the next baby. So our angel now as a name and that is Noah.

I'm back at work, full force this week. Its a great distraction. I have so much to catch up on since i was away for two weeks and only worked 3 days last week. So i'm going to be busy busy and very tired at the end of the week.

We've decided to defintely TTC in June - instead of August. We're ready come June. I'll be charting again, and that will start in June too. I got pregnant on the first month we started TTC so we will see if we have the same luck this time too.
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