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I found out I was pg on March 10, 2007 I was SO excited. I thought I had to be optimistic. I've had previous losses but i HAD to believe it wouldn't happen again. But optimism didn't help. In March I saw my
On 4/5/07 I went in to see my OB. new OB, first time seeing her. She did the u/s and couldn't find a heart beat. Come back in 2 weeks. That was it. Just come back in 2 weeks.
On 4/19/07 I went back for a second u/s. I should have been just over 10 weeks. No heartbeat, baby measured at 6 weeks 5 days. I had tested 6 weeks before and gotten a positive. So I KNEW this was wrong. But she sent me for blood work. My levels came back lower than my first levels (3700 were the first, I didn't ask about how much lower).
I knew before the levels came back my bean was gone. Since I had decided after the first u/s that I wanted to name my baby Faith or Hope if I had a girl, I decided this one was Faith.
Today (4/22/07) I went to church. I told my priest we had lost the baby and were just waiting to schedule the D&C or for me to naturally miscarry. He offered me comfort, took me into the Chapel (a part of the church where people go to mourn) and annointed me with "healing oils" and prayed for physical, emotional, and spiritual healing. I cried during his prayer. But it offered me comfort when i looked up and could see tears on this mans face. The man who came to my grandmas death bed, has done countless memorials and funeral services, and here he was crying for my Faith.
We told my SIL today too. She's pregnant. It was hard seeing her, but thats my neice shes carrying, due any day. It gave me hope. I worked nursery like I do every sunday. That was really tough for me. But I held the Sunday School Directors baby. She had suffered so many losses before her miracle daughter came, and her her little baby was. That in itself gave me more hope, but it didn't take away the pain. Then I went to church for prayer and communion. I almost broke down again, but since I hadn't told my son, I didn't let myself.
After church I sat with my son and told him. He said the most amazing thing to me. He said "mommy, baby Faith is in Heaven now. Theres no pain there, remember? Grammy loves babies, she'll take care of baby Faith."
At nearly 5, he had just the words I needed to hear, words I had said to him over a year and a half ago. "Theres no pain in heaven". I couldn't believe he remebered those words. Most of all I couldn't believe that the most comforting words came from my little boy, who doesn't fully understand yet he knew just what to say.
On Monday my doctor called and had me come into his office. It was time to schedule the D&C. We scheduled it for Tuesday. I went and got my bloodwork done, they put the "blood band" on me. I was told to leave it on until after the procedure. I preregistered at Day Surgery. I went home drained, feeling depressed, empty, alone. DH hadn't really said anything so it even felt like it didn't matter to him.
On Tuesday I went in when I was supposed to. I waited 4 hours before they told me I had been bumped out by another procedure. I am terrified of hospitals so this really bothered me. But everything was rescheduled. My D&C would be Thursday at 11 AM. I had to be there at 9 AM. I went home angry and feeling like the hurt would never start to feel better. DH had taken the day off to be with me but could not get Thursday off no matter what, he had to go in at least until his co-team leader got it at 9:30. I had to find a ride again, find a babysitter again, and didn't think anyone could help me.
My mom decided to take more time off work to spend Thursday and Friday with me. She would take me to the hospital and wait with me till DH got there then she would pick up the kids for me and she said she'd take care of them for me so I could rest Thursday and Friday.
Today, Thursday, came and I woke up early. I had had to take a sleeper just to sleep the night before. I took a bath knowing that I wouldn't be able to take baths afterwards. The kids stayed asleep so I tried to relax, and cry for a while. Then my mom helped me get them ready so I wouldn't be tempted to eat or drink. We dropped them off with my dads neighbor, who found a way to babysit for us. Then we headed to the hospital.
After we got there the registration nurse recognized me and asked me how I was. I was numb. After an hour in the waiting room I started to freak out. Hospitals are my worst nightmares so my mom went and talked to the nurse, one of them took me for a walk and I started hyperventilating. I have spent too much of my life watching family in the hospital that I can't even visit my sister when she's in the hospital, much less be a patient myself. They took me to a bed immediately, gave me a self heating blanket, and gave me some oxygen. I started to calm down and the anastesiologist came and talked to me. He ordred a medicine to relax my nerves immediately once I explained my fears and why I have them. Soon after I had my IV and they gave me the medicine. It relaed me, and DH arrived as I was getting it. My mom left. Dr. S came and talked to me. He explained everything, helped me calm down and told me he's been doing these since 1995 and has only had 1 patient that had subsequent scarring but she had an infection to begin with. Me an DH talked and then they came to take me back. They told me I would spend 1 hour in recovery, no one could visit in there, then I would come back to where I started for 30 minutes to an hour when DH could come back. They gave me another shot to calm my nerves again, and took me back. I don't remember going back. The next thing I know I'm waking up in recovery alone and again scared. But my nurse from the first room came to see how I was and told me DH was waiting for me. She told the recovery nurses of my fear of hospitals and they talked to the doctor who said as soon as I was stable, to transfer me to the first room for observation so DH could be with me. about 20 minutes later I went back out and DH wasn't there. He had stepped outside to call my mom and dad. So my nurse (I love this lady she was great) went and got him, told him I was back out. He came in and about 40 minutes later they were letting me get ready to go home. My doctor came in and talked to me. He said that it looks like my body had absorbed most everything, though there was a little left. This is when it hit me, there was nothing left inside of me. Faith was truly gone. Then we headed home.
I got home and my mom had taken my kids to the florist. She had gotten 1 white rose, with a card "To Fath, though we never met you, we already loved you and we miss you. Gramma." ANd the kids had gotten a bouquet of colorful flower with a fake butterfly. That card said "Faith has wings like a butterfly, to fly up to the heavens." 2 of my co-workers had sent a card with DH. The front said "In Sympathy" and inside it says "Thinking of you in your sorrow and wishing you strength in the days ahead, God bless you." I was shocked. I've only been working with these 2 for 2 weeks, only a few shifts yet they cared enough to send me such a wonderful card. This time I don't have people telling me "its just a miscarraige", instead they're telling me "its okay to cry." WOW. With the family and friends that I have now, I know I will be ok, I will still hurt, but I have friends, family to talk to, cry with, people UNDERSTAND that I am hurting and that I need friends now and later.
I know that in time I'll be OK. I know I will always miss all of my angels, but I also know that I am bleesed. I have my kids, my friends, my family to help me. The kids make me smile even when I want to cry, and my friends an family seem to be there just when I need them most.
Yesterday I did a March of Dimes walk. It was wonderful. They did a dove release and she said "for all the babies who grew thier wings all too soon." The walk was very healing for me and I feel much more stable now. I still hurts but I feel at peace with myself.
Today was trial by fire for me. I went to church and saw my SIL who is due in 2 weeks. I have been angry that she's still pg because her husband is a drug using guy who pays zero attention, other than yelling and harrassing to their 3 yr old daughter and he won't even get a job. It bothered me that she gets to keep her baby when that is happening already to her daughter. But I am happy for her because she doesn't have to go through this pain. Then I saw the newest baby in our church. 2 weeks old. I didn't feel angry or resentful like I thought I would be. Such a sweet little guy and I got to hold him. His dad is my friend but didn't hear the news yet and asked how my pg was going. I told him it was over and he said he felt bad about bringing his baby in the same week I had all this going on but honestly it gave me hope.
But now my big problem is DH. I am so ready to try again for another baby. He wants to wait, for a long time. I know its important for us BOTH to be ready so I know I have to agree but I agreed based on I will NOT go on any hormonal bc and I will not get any IUD or Nuva Ring or anything like that. So we have to figure something out that will owrk for both of us. I know he needs time to grieve, I still am, but I am ready to move on too. Not forget but to try again and hope and pray that the next time everything will be OK. I am ready because I have faith in believing that my Faith, and my other angels, did what they were supposed to do, maybe teach our family about love, grief, and faith itself, I don't know. But now they are in Heaven and what better thing to look forward to in the end than seeing my angels again?
Today I would have been just over 16 weeks. I would have been finding out if I was having a boy or girl any time now. But I'm not. For some reason it just hit really hard today. I think it was the dream. I dreamed of my grandma last night. I haven't dreamed of her since shortly after she died. But I dreamed of her holding a baby. She smiled, my poppy showed up in the dream, he died when I was 5. He was holding 2 more babies. I woke up crying. Its like in my dream I saw my Gramma and poppy with my angels. Wow. Don't even know what to say or think.